For reference, you can always find any UK CEO’s email address on this website, helps for being a prick. http://www.ceoemail.com/

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold

Hi Cadbury

As you can tell from the George Michael reference in the heading, I’m a bit of a ‘muso’.
If you asked anyone who knows me what I like most in the world, they’d likely be torn between picking eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, or listening to a cracking tune.

Not Kevin, actually. He’d probably say powdering my vagina while watching Twilight or something equally puerile but he’s a cretin, don’t listen to a word.

When I’m not eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I spend the rest of my waking life with a song stuck in my head. Sometimes this is great, and I can gently bogal about my day.

Unfortunately, the rest of the time is like being in a mental disco prison with a cretin like fucking Kevin in control of the jukebox in your thinker.

For example, I spent three days with the theme tune of Men Behaving Badly on perpetual loop. It’s like Guantanamo I’d have thought, but more Martin Clunesy.

Luckily, when I’m not enjoying a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I’ve come up with a system.

If you sing Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel in your head, it immediately replaces any clingy mind stinkers. And who doesn’t like Sledgehammer? You’re welcome.

I digress, the other day, I bought a delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar at work, then eagerly scampered back to my desk mentally singing “I’ve got a Wispa Gold bar” along to the tune of I’ve Got A Golden Ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I didn’t even want to revert to the Sledgehammer Protocol (trademark pending) due to my excitement about the imminent delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar.

Charlie got a golden ticket befitting of the beaming ditty, I got a hollow Wispa Gold bar which made my version an ironic jarring jingle. On a Monday too. That one event made my Monday about 9 times Mondayer.

As I say, I love a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar as much as the next man, but this has made my brand loyalty take a significant wobble, bordering on a bellyflop into a piss drenched canyon.

How do we fix this?

I can’t imagine life without being able to enjoy a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, but I am petty enough to revert to Galaxy on principle, the “is Pepsi Ok?” of chocolate.

I’ve sent a copy of this to your CEO Mary Barnard via her publicly available email as you will only accept contact via online form.

I look forward to a resolution,

Mark x

Dear Mark

Thank you for contacting us regarding the problem you had with Cadbury Wispa Gold.

In order that we can correctly process your complaint, we require a little more information about the product. If you still have the packaging, could you please provide the following information: the full product description and weight of the product, the best before date and the batch/lot code (located near the best before date, beginning with three letters).

Also if you could please provide your full name, postal address and contact telephone number.

I am sorry you have cause to complain; as soon as we receive this information we can investigate this matter further for you.

Thank you for your patience and co-operation and we apologise for any inconvenience.

Amanda

Consumer Conversations Consultant