Dear Daily Mail,
I wanted to get in touch with you regarding a matter that has been nagging me for a little while. I have only ever passively read the Mail due to my liberal, leftie stance on most issues which tends to be in conflict with the neo-conservative and pitchfork-waving position you hold. I have actually only really read your paper when visiting family members or in waiting rooms.
Nevertheless, I know there are many things for which your big racist flag is stabbed well and truly in the ground and leaves no opportunity for conjecture or wrongful interpretation.
These generally seem to be things that you are in staunch opposition to such as immigrants, gays, students, foreigners, travellers, rap music, poor people, the 10 billion nonces living in MY neighbourhood, rock music, drugs (even the fun ones), liberals, teenagers, mobile phones, war-protesting cowards, vegans, foxes, Belgium, to be honest the list could go on until my fingers bleed weary tears of tedium.
I must clarify that I agree about being in opposition to nonces if nothing else, but I think you go a little over board. Better safe than nonce-buggered I hear you cry. Perhaps so, but I’d argue its better to be rational than ridiculous.
There is one issue that I really can’t seem to get my head around where you stand. Assuming that a large proportion of the populace may sculpt their opinions, actions and lifestyle in accordance with whatever their daily rag of choice spoon feeds into their mushy, impressionable brains; I wondered if you could clarify your position once and for all.
The issue in question is the big C word. Not that one, you mucky minded Tories, you. No, not what Jan Moir would chant while performing her bigoted, celebratory dances on the graves of gay people, the other C. Cancer.
Cancer is just a grim reality of modern life that will unfortunately probably touch each of us in one way or another. However, I don’t think that your current approach to covering such an important and emotive topic provides any insight, guidance, information or any form of reality whatsoever to be even considered horseshit let alone news.
Here are some of the things the Daily Mail has thus far warned – on separate occasions – contribute to the development of cancer:
Till receipts, sausages, Pringles, pizza, soup, water, pickles, fish, Hoola Hoops, Diet Coke, well cooked meat, under cooked meat, being a man, pork, being a woman, coffee, deodorant, chicken, bread, bubble bath, sex, Worcestershire sauce, being from the south, biscuits, being tall…..and so on.
(I am happy to provide URL’s to any of these articles if you think I am being facetious).
And here is a list of things that The Daily Mail has in separate articles suggested can both cause and prevent cancer:
Tomatoes, fibre, eggs, fish, grapefruit, being a man, being a woman, mouthwash, vitamin pills, sex, milk, well, to save my typing again, you get the picture don’t you?
Perhaps if you could come back to me and suggest your stance on the following which I am concerned about, by writing next to each, either –
a) Causes cancer
b) Prevents cancer
c) Possibly both in one way or another dependent on a multitude of different genetic, chemical, biological and environmental factors. Truth is, there’s probably evidence to support either answer depending on which way you choose to interpret vague information, data, studies and ‘rent an expert’ interviews. So its advisable to just know how to try and live a healthy lifestyle as best you can and we’ll just keep quiet about the whole thing until we get some form of resounding proof that what we’re saying holds any tangible or reasonable health advice whatsoever. To be honest, we’re not a health journal and we have very little knowledge of the onset of most if not all diseases, so literally anybody could actually tell us anything and if it sounds vaguely sensational or scary enough we’ll print the bastard.
So that’s a, b or c for…
Snails, unicycles, hp sauce, oxygen, Eastenders, doors, juggling, badgers, urination, custard creams, chimneys, wasps, grass, pate, dogs, masturbation, corned beef, ice pops, wham bars, erotic dancing, Tippex, carpets, penny whistles, the music of Brian Adams, desk fans, jelly, wolves, pepper, the wind, the moon, the sky, Monster Munch, Earth, Wind & Fire (the band), the Swiss, toboggans, Soda Streams and newspaper ink.
I suspect that bar obvious things such as smoking (for which there is unquestionable scientific evidence) the answer is generally going to be C for most things. So it’s probably best just keep out of it and stick to what you do best; trying to insight unreasonable prejudice from rar rar’s and bastards toward minority groups and poor people.
Let’s face it you have the creative control and aversion to reason which seemingly allows you to print pretty much anything you like. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to read an article warning that polish immigrants will mercilessly bugger my unborn children and house pets with dildo’s made from pulped taxpayers banknotes unless I eat more organic cucumbers. Or that waving at trains almost definitely leads to the onset of amoebic dysentery. (At the time of writing you have not yet printed any articles to this effect but I will be checking after I have sent this letter for signs of plagiarism).
To thank you with your cooperation with the above request, I have the address of a guy who looks suspiciously like a paedophile to me and would be happy to send across for you to print. He wears unfathomably large glasses, seems like a bit of a loner and always carries a bulky looking rucksack. That’s generally good enough for me.