I hope this letter finds you well. I would like to pre-empt the availability of the post of manager of Blackburn Rovers and formally offer my services.
I’m not going to waste time repeating echoes of Steve Kean being a clown, this has been done. I’m not going to accuse you of being just poultry merchants from a distant land whose knowledge of football is on par with my mothers (she once said “there’s a lot of kicking in this game isn’t there?” about a FOOTball match)
Under Big Sam’s guidance we were a quirky little northern club who may have, on occasion, centred unlikely success on the pitch by kicking people in their knees and faces and livers. For years this was an accusation chucked at Rovers which, personally, I loved.
Seeing Arsene Wenger’s post match whining after a brutal 1-0 thrashing at Ewood (in a biblical rather than footballing sense) was a joy to behold. All his pathetic ‘they didn’t play fair’ or ‘knee dropping a fallen opponent in the spine has no place on a football pitch boo hoo’ diatribe simply served to provide the supporters of the ‘little men’ with the kudos of knowing that in the face of great adversity, violence usually wins.
If I were to liken premier league clubs to animals, which I often do, I would probably have once considered us the honey badger – small and unassuming creature with a fearsome bite foolishly viewed as a pushover for larger foes. I don’t know whether you have seen any footage of the honey badger but there’s one of these lads eating a massive cobra.
Unfortunately, I fear we are now plankton, simply there to serve a purpose as bottom of the pile in the football food chain. There are no youtube videos of plankton other than them being eaten by whales.
Where has the violence gone? We are still comfortably near the bottom of the fair play table, yet are bottom of the league after a string of woeful performances. Consider that when we were under the tutelage of Big Sam, we were still magnificently bottom of the fair play league but comfortably mid table and reaching cup semi finals.
Big Sam brought in people like Michel ‘Mad Dog’ Salgado and Gael ‘The Bastard’ Givet to kick the leagues so-called cultured footballers into writhing little shitheaps on the ground. All the while their management ‘tacticians’ with sand in their vaginas screeching hysterical accusations of foul play and complain to a camera in the safety of a television studio.
We need our players to be angry, fire-breathing wankers who may not be technically the most gifted footballers in the league, but how many step-overs do you think opponents will be able to do with dislocated hips or a perforated ribcage?
Therefore I have devised a management plan, which I have under trademark to avoid Steve Kean using as his own. It’s called the Mame And Destroy Complete Unbridled Nightmare Terror System, or to use the acronym MAD CUNTS.
The system is separated into three main areas; combat, mind control, and conditioning.
Here I will attempt to utilise techniques pioneered by the Korean People’s Army. Despite often being diminutive in stature, their soldiers are hard as nails by using a campaign of good old fashioned battering. I have provisionally contacted Kim Jong-il for a ‘Director of Football and Oppression’ position now that he’s currently unemployed.
There is a quite famous clip of a series of Korean soldiers being ‘evaluated’ by illustrating who can best withstand being smashed over the head and limbs with massive logs. Seems extreme but if I were to come face to face with a man who has prepared by being smacked repeatedly with a ‘two be four’, I reckon he’s got the edge from the off.
After each training session, the players will have to participate in a ‘log off’. I’m aware this sounds like a defecating competition, but I can assure you it isn’t – that’s in phase two which I will introduce in due course.
The players’ weekly wages will be halved, with the remaining 50% earned on a commission basis for how long they can withstand me and my coaching staff smashing them with sticks whilst repeating insulting limericks about their loved ones.
Here I will implement brainwashing and acute psychological goading, as used in British Espionage film The Ipcress File.
IPCRESS stands for “Induction of Psycho-neuroses by Conditioned Reflex under Stress” and is a process of systematic brain-draining and subliminal mind programming through carefully controlled and intrusive stimulus. I won’t so much use careful control and opt for my own revolutionary approach of brutal torture and mindless hectoring. Let’s see how many good chances Jason Roberts spurns after a couple of sessions of waterboarding while watching warped looped videos of someone dressed as a mutilated clown smashing rabbits under a hammer.
Michael Caine admirably got the better of this process in the film, by using distractive pain with a needle. Luckily, I can’t imagine many of the Rovers players having had any ‘in the event of capture’ training.
As part of this, I will also ensure that each of the players undergoes regression therapy to try and understand their deepest fears and anxieties in order for me to use these memories as bait for aggressive riposte. For example, I’d get one of the YTS lads dressed as an apparition of Paul Robinsons grandmother to visit him during the night and repeatedly belt him with a slipper shouting “you worthless little prick, you know why Jesus died? Do you? It’s because you touched your winkie. And the dog, think of poor fluffy – he died because you humiliated the family by crying at school.”
Ivan Pavlov, as I’m sure you’re aware was a Russian Physiologist best known for classical conditioning and famously used dogs to demonstrate associative learning in which a stimulus acquires the capacity to evoke a response that was originally evoked by another stimulus. This may sound complicated but in lamens terms, I will reward the players for displays of aggressive acts. So if N’zonzi kicks an opponent in the throat, he will receive a biscuit.
In the training ground I will implement automated kicking posts, whereby the players will have to perform the most aggressive foul possible, whereby a treat will be release automatically if the correct force is used. Like in the Crystal Maze.
To retain the right balance of learned behaviour and unbridled fear, there will be a random surprise or two, whereby instead of a treat, a swarm of antagonised hornets will be released at the player.
If they do not deliver the correct force onto the kicking post twice during any one nine-hour session, they will spend 45 minutes encased in a Perspex chamber filled with spiders and a violently diarrheal honey badger, with each of their team mates forced to watch every upsetting second.
I don’t really know an awful lot about tactics or any of that mumbo jumbo, but considering you wrongfully identified Steve Kean’s ‘tactical knowledge’ as the right direction for the club, I’m thinking a fresh approach might be just the ticket.
I realise much of this may sound harsh, arguably bordering on psychotic, but I think once Stockholm Syndrome kicks in a la Josef Fritzl and they begin to respect and even admire their mistreatment, the aggression will kick back in and we can once again turn Ewood Park into the fortress it used to be. Watch the videos of those Korean soldiers and tell me cruel oppressive punishment doesn’t get results.
My initial basic wage will be £25,000 per week and unlimited access to chicken, if Yakubu hasn’t eaten your stocks dry.