Complaint letter to Chuppa Chups

Dear Sir,

Before get to the main crux of my point, I was bemused when I recently discovered that the Chuppa Chups logo was designed by none other than Salvador Dali?!! I’ve never before thought to combine surrealist art with lollipops but I guess the renegade decision to impale what is ostensibly a boiled sweet on a stick is perhaps, in itself, comparative to Dali’s bizarre genius.

Saying which, Dali once said “No masterpiece was ever created by a lazy artist” and while I agree with him I’d argue that it’s a touch hypocritical considering the efforts he put into your logo design were half-arsed at best. No melting clocks, no conceptual imagery, just your name in a pretty rosette. He could have at least done some ghoulish giant head made out of lollipops, crying liquid pianos in some sort of dystopian desert landscape with the shadowy severed limbs of the recently deceased scattered around spelling Chuppa Chups in deranged font on a marzipan skyline. I’m not sure if that would be particularly ‘on brand’ but that’s the problem with Dali; no imagination.

If all you wanted was a rosette you could have got Neil Buchanan from Art Attack to do that and he could have made the image of an American footballer out of towels on your staff car park in the process. I’ll keep out of it though, that’s your call.

Until recently I actually wasn’t sure how socially acceptable it is for a grown man to eat lollipops. Perhaps I’m being dramatic or just a worrier but I thought it may be construed as childish, or even buying them may rouse suspicion that I may be sourcing them as bait for noncery.

On the other hand, the reward by far outweighs this undoubtedly irrational concern. The immensely enjoyable taste of the sweet itself aside, I often enjoy lollipops largely due to the fact that I can rattle the stick around in my teeth and practise a ‘thousand yard stare’ while pretending to be John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. I think they actually just used little sticks in cowboy times, but I’m confident that if they had the option of a fruity boiled sweet on the end of it they’d have snapped your hand off before saving your village from some nefarious Mexican banditos and romancing the village sweetheart in one fell swoop.

So far, so good. However..

Having suffered at the negligent hands of a defective sweet maker recently myself – who I will definitely not name as serial human rights offenders and caramel crooks Nestle – my friend Kelly confided in me about a grievous incident at the hands of you; Salvador Dali’s favourite lollipop merchants. I was distraught – is nothing sacred?

Kelly, like so many stressed and busy London professionals, had treated herself to an afternoon lollipop; no doubt on a similar train of thought to I where she was going to use the stick to pretend to be some sort of femme fatale from a western, but not before enjoying the sweet itself.

I’m sure you’ll agree you can divide the people in the world strictly down the middle into two camps based around how they would tackle a lollipop; suckers and crunchers.

Now, like me, Kelly is a cruncher and thankfully so in this instance as her impatience to gradually savour the lollipop in question allowed her to identify that it was hollow. Hollow!

I’m not sure whether this is the latest in your surrealist marketing agenda, using the sweet as some form of metaphor satirising a notion that the earth has become a hollow orb of wanton misery. But if it was then I would suggest it belongs in a gallery rather than on a stick and retailed to people looking for a lollipop to enjoy.

I know Kelly has been in touch with you and you have offered some form of lollipop-based olive branch for this grave injustice and I respect you for this, but I am suspicious that this may be simply an automated and arbitrary response as hollow as your lollipops. This is typified largely by the fact that you have referred to someone called Kelly as ‘sir’, suggesting this is just a template email churned out to anyone to suffer the same misfortune.

I think you’d agree that Dali would turn in his grave if he knew about all this, so I wanted to raise the alarm bells before this whole wretched affair could go any further.

I welcome your input/feedback on this.

Hollow regards

Mark Jorgensen

p.s. According to Wikipedia your company’s ‘current anti-smoking slogan is “Stop smoking, start sucking” with their packages parodying cigarette pack designs’

I appreciate the sentiment of trying to discourage smokers but I hardly think widespread fellatio is the answer to the problem. How about we also encourage rim jobs as an alternative to heroin abuse? Frankly, you’re a disgrace.

Author: markjorgy

is YOUR name Swedish or something?

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