Letter to Walkers Crisps – battered by a crisp-daft Frenchman


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: consumer@walkers.co.uk
Subject: Walkers Crinkles

Dear Walkers,

Firstly I’d like to offer my congratulations on your longstanding excellence in the crisp game. Your salt and vinegar flavour has been my crisp of choice for as long as I can remember. They have added a sumptuous sandwich-enhancing crunch to many a lunchtime throughout the years.

However, I would like to raise an issue of immense concern. I’m not talking about the continued use of jug-eared smug merchant Linekar in your condescending television adverts (that meerkat makes Gary look like fucking Shaft so you’re excused by proxy), nor am I talking about the ‘zany’ Cajun squirrel farrago.

My issue concerns the attached photograph of a packet of your recent ‘crinkles’ range.

The keen-eyed amongst you may be able to just about make out the tiny island of crinkled crisps bashfully nestled amongst a vast expanse of foil wrapper.

I have long been interested in some of the more colourful collective nouns for various things, notably a romp of otters, a business of ferrets, a glob of Austrians, a git of bishops or a funk of vegans. This is, however, what I can only describe as a fuck you of crisps.

Please excuse my rather coarse language but that is earnestly the impression I got from this purchase. An insult. I’m a passionate man particularly when it comes to crisps. I remember once a French exchange student tried to tell me the puerile Pom Bear is a vastly superior crisp to Walkers. I defended your honour with what I can only describe as a devastatingly executed ‘bitchslap’. I’m not proud of my actions, my mother was furious and being about 4 years older than me, the crisp-daft Frenchman gave me a beating of unforgettable magnitude. But on principle, I stand by my convictions.

Despite my foolhardy defense of our fine British crispmaking heritage, the night I received the above it felt like the vast Walkers Corporation were some ghoulish Fagan-like character, flinging a thimble full of gruel in my general direction for having the audacity to pay 70p for a beloved snack. (Before retiring to his private chambers with a gaggle of impressionably young cockney pickpockets).

Thankfully, this was in a bar where my motive for the crisps was simply to mop up alcohol, but next time I may not be so lucky. If this was a lunchtime treat, I very much doubt whether this meagre amount of crisps would have been sufficient to fill even the most conservatively sized sandwich.

This isn’t to detract from their quality -the crisps themselves were delicious. The crinkled crisp has often been a huge favourite of mine due to the explosive pockets of flavour encased within the grooves of each crisp. McCoys have typically dominated this market since the demise of the once-loved Frisp, but yours are up there.

Quality is usually better than quantity in most walks of life but in crisps, a carefully observed balance is pivotal.

Take Discos for example. Their salt and vinegar range are delicious, but they might as well just put a small photograph of one crisp lazily dusted with flavouring. (Don’t even get me started on their so-called larger ‘Grab Bags’).

Again, it is with great regret that I contact you in this manner, as I am a staunch advocate of your brand, but I feel I must vent my crispy disgust at this atrocity.

I would therefore like to request the following –

–       An explanation of the quality control policies of your crinkle range.

–       Remuneration of the 70p I paid for the crisps.

–       A personalised apology from one of your brand ambassadors. i.e. Linekar, Lionel Ritchie or, preferably, a signed photograph of Charlotte Church nakedly frolicking in a bath of crisps like a sexy Scrooge     McDuck.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Mark Jorgensen


From: thurmaston.consumer@pepsico.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Dear Mark

Thank you for your recent emails regarding your purchase of Walkers Crinkles. I am really sorry that it has taken so long for us to get back to you.

It’s really disappointing for us to learn that your Crinkles packet contained few crisps – all of our packets are filled to weight, and hence this packet should have topped 32g.

Sadly, without the pack coding, it is very difficult to fully investigate the nature of this complaint but we do appreciate that your purchase was not of the quality you’d expect from us. We have therefore, noted your feedback on this particular pack for our Plant Teams to review as part of their ongoing quality evaluations.

I do hope that you have no further concerns with any of our products, however, should this not be the case, we would appreciate your help in sending the unsatisfactory product back to us at the following Freepost address or please do not hesitate to call us on our freephone number 0800 274777.

WALKERS SNACK FOODS LIMITED
CUSTOMER SERVICES DEPARTMENT
FREEPOST LE4918
LEICESTER
LE4 5ZY

In the meantime, if you would like to let me have your full postal address I will be more than happy to send you out some Walkers vouchers, with my compliments (unfortunately the photograph of the lovely Charlotte Church isn’t so easy for me to arrange)

I look forward to hearing from you

Regards

Sue
Customer Services


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: consumer@walkers.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Hi Sue,
Thank you for the email and I accept your sincere apologies for the delay. I apologise for sending a secondary email, I can be a little impatient at times and I am trying to make sure I address this. But as my brother once said as a child impishly awaiting Christmas morning “if I’m patient I can’t have it NOW”.

I’m pleased that you will take on my feedback, I would be loathed to think that collectively we couldn’t use this tragedy which has befallen me to ensure that no one else will suffer a palty crisp fiasco in the future. If your Plant Team do require any feedback/input regarding the quality procedures then I would be happy to offer this on a consultancy basis in exchange for either Charlotte Church, or a nominal fee of a pre-agreed quantity of crisps. Let me know anyway.

Thank you for your very kind offer of some vouchers (and your compliments, naturally), my address is –

Flat 3
XXXX

XXXX

XXX

Is there any room for negotiation on the Charlotte Church thing? I could contact her and request the picture and say that you said it was ok?

Crispy wishes,

Mark Jorgensen


From: thurmaston.consumer@pepsico.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Dear Mark

Thank you for your recent email reply and for providing me with your address details.

I will be popping some Walkers vouchers into the post for you this evening – the amount of these will lend themselves more to be spent in a supermarket (maybe for a few multipacks of Crinkles?)

Spend them as you see fit and enjoy 🙂

Regards

Sue

Customer Services

P.s Incidentally the dictionary definition of impatience reads ‘intolerance of anything that thwarts, delays, or hinders’ – so not always a bad trait.

And still no luck with Charlotte.

Author: markjorgy

is YOUR name Swedish or something?

5 thoughts on “Letter to Walkers Crisps – battered by a crisp-daft Frenchman”

  1. once again ripped off big bags of crisps were one pound now gone up to one pound twenty nine so we get less and pay more most be to pay ludicrous wages to make payments to the likes of gary liniker obviously they just want to rip people off by trying to make it look like a good deal but in reality its another con so to my favourite crisp makers goodbye sick of been taken for a mug they will have to find garys wages from somewhere else because my seven pound a week will be getting spent on something else

  2. Not being funny got s massive bag of walkers MAX, wasn’t even half way full… Might aswell got a smaller pack!!! Something you need to improve , how shit.

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