Letter to Apple Inc – ‘Moves like Jagger’ and Paul Danan

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Dear Apple

I’ll be honest and admit that it took me a while to get into Apple products. The more people tell me I should be doing something the less and less likely I’ll do it. I’d like to portray it as being strong-willed but in reality it’s just misguided adolescent rejection of conformity.

If ‘survival of the fittest’ actually mattered to us any more in the practical and literal sense, I’d be first to go; shunning fire and a club because everyone else had them whilst desperately starving and shivering.

Cut a not very long story short, I’m a dick.

Apple has now joined things like The Wire, Twitter and alike that I initially snubbed and shunned before reluctantly throwing myself  balls-deep into them as soon as the petty pretence could last no longer.

I now have a Mac, iPod and an iPhone. You alluring sods, you.

On to the crux of the matter. I now love Apple stuff and I think this unwavering support should be rewarded and I have something I hope you can help with.

I work for a media agency you see and I know this conjures the mental image of an office like in Nathan Barley; people riding round on tricycles shooting each other with cock-shaped Nerf guns while others lazily sprawl across branded beanbags being fellated by interns.

Unfortunately this is not the case (certainly not the blowjob bit) but we do have a radio which in left on a mainstream station to appease most musical tastes. The problem is that I hate the radio, Apple. I hate the radio because it just pumps catchy pop music into my head that I hate to the very core.

How many times in a day can a man hear Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 before it is reasonable to bludgeon everyone you see into a twitching heap with a lump hammer? (Whilst absent mindedly humming David Guetta’s latest electrobile, no doubt).

So in order to save the minds of myself and my colleague Jonny – and potentially the lives of many others – please can we have a free docking station from you with good quality speakers from our corner of the office?

Cheeky, I know, but don’t just dismiss this until you have seen the schedule of music I intend to use these speakers for –

9am-10am Dub/reggae hour to ease us into the morning

10am-midday – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

Midday-2pm – Blues and/or gabba ballads

2pm – 2.15pm – A short burst of slime house and glibcore techno

2.15pm – 4pm – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

4pm – 4.15pm – A short burst of Crispy Rock n Bass / Minotaur Rave

4.15pm – 5pm  – 80s classics

5pm – close Experimental jazz fusion / Charles & Eddie.

I think you can see from my schedule that we are taking this very seriously and that your docking station would be put to very good use.

Can we have one please?

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Mark Jorgensen


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch. We found your proposed music schedule very interesting.

Unfortunately Apple does not manufacture docking stations so we are unable to help you battle your “Moves Like Jagger” frustration.

I might suggest contacting a chosen manufacturer directly to see if they can help you further with your quest for a more pleasant working environment.

Best of luck with your endeavours.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

PR Assistant, Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom  |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Thanks for coming back to me.

I’m glad you enjoyed my music schedule and I have a suggestion. I’m sure you produce some form of device that we could use as our office radio/music player and overcome any more Maroon 5-based noise trauma. (It’s getting serious, I’ve heard it twice today so far). How about you send me a media player of some description and I’ll put together a couple of mix CDs for you of my schedule as indicated below? I’ll daub something adorable on there like Markz Vibez mix for Apple.

It’ll be like a lovely childhood gesture of romance for ones sweetheart, but obviously under the masquerade of a music-based business transaction. Perhaps we could go skipping through fallen leaves together once this has all passed, sharing an earpiece of my headphones each as we listen to the mixtape together? I think the optimum leaf-frolicking soundtrack would be Compliments On Your Kiss by Red Dragon. Thoughts?

What do you reckon about my proposal anyway? Any help would be much appreciated. If it will help solidify my case, Buggin’ by Dane Bowers is currently blasting out over the other side of the office. On a Monday morning. There is no scenario I can envisage that it would be acceptable to play Buggin’ by Dane Bowers. If I could hand pick the worst, then an office Monday morning  would be third only to a funeral and during romantic coitus.

Many thanks

Mark


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your mixtape proposition and your enthusiasm for Apple products.

As you can imagine, we get a great many requests for assistance, not all of which we are able to support.
Regretfully, at this time, we are unable to assist your request for an iPod.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

I understand your position, thank you for the consideration.

Having reached a bit of an impasse, I sense the opportunity to barter. My tenacity is partially fuelled by the fact that this afternoon I have laboured to concentrate over a UK garage compilation. And not the good kind of UK garage either, like DJ Luck and MC Neat. I’m talking dreadful UK Garage ‘mash ups’ that sound like a drum machine, a keyboard and a peripherally ‘urban’ Eastenders character put through a tumbledryer.

How about a discount voucher to be redeemed in an Apple store? In exchange, I am willing to throw in a limited edition signed copy of Marks Vibez vol 1, and Marks Slow Jamz, completely free. You’ll notice my cunning use of ‘z’ instead of ‘s’ in the naming of my mixtapes. I think you’ll agree this subtle touch denotes the very essence of cool.

Many thanks

M


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch again.

Unfortunately we do not have any discounts available.

Apologies I cannot help you further.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

M


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Ok, I’ll just get one from Cash Converters. Thanks anyway.

I realise I may have been a bit of a nuisance, so please find attached an official (and trademarked) movie poster for a new film I’m writing.  Its a remake of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ starring Paul Danan. I’ve often likened Paul Danan to Christ. You probably can’t tell but I actually did this freehand on Paint.

You can keep this.

However, please keep this under your hat though as I’m yet to contact Paul about it.

Thanks

M


Author: markjorgy

is YOUR name Swedish or something?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s