Letter to Madam Tussauds – “I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark”

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Guest Enquiries
Subject: Enquiry

Hi,

I run a youth group for troubled teens in Stockport and I am looking for events to keep the kids engaged and out of trouble.

We are planning a coach trip and one of the kids, Chazmar, has mentioned that she would like to go to Madame Tussauds. She’s quite ‘strong willed’ that one so I want to ensure I placate her.

What is the situation for group bookings?

Also, am I right in thinking you have a Jeremy Kyle model? (are they called models or statues, or what?)

Thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

To take advantage of our group booking rate, please contact our Call Centre who will be only too pleased to assist. The number is on our website.

Yes you are quite right – we do have a model of Jeremy Kyle.

Enjoy your visit!

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Guest Enquiries
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Thanks for the email.

Regarding the Jeremy Kyle model, do you think it would be possible to have him covered up with a sheet or a cloth during our visit? Given the age and ‘social demographic’ of our children, Jeremy Kyle is like the physical embodiment of evil to them. Many of their siblings/family have suffered at the business end of his wrathful treatment on his show.

I just don’t want this to impact on their enjoyment of the day if they unexpectedly see a snarling Kyle while posing for a picture with a playful effigy of David Hasselhoff. Is the Kyle model snarling? Do you have a link to an image of the model by any chance?

Thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

Our model of Jeremy Kyle is in no way ‘snarling’ and if you visit our website you could probably see this is true.

Unfortunately, we could not cover up the model because, as I am sure you can appreciate, there would be many other guests visiting at the same time as your party who would no doubt love to see this model.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Thanks for the email and confirmation of your non-snarling Kyle and I understand your position.

Would there be any room for negotiation that it be possible – for the duration of our visit only – to put an umbrella and a copy of the Racing Post in Jeremy’s hand so I can reassure the children that the model is Claire Balding?

I can then go ahead and confirm the booking and let the children know.

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

I cannot alter the model but you can tell the children whatever you like.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi

How would one mistake Kyle for Balding without a copy of the Racing Post or some well-ironed dungarees?

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

I’m not sure Mark. But I’m afraid I can’t help you.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Ok, there’s no kids group. I just want to come and visit and I’m absolutely petrified of Jeremy Kyle. I believe him to be a shape shifting ghoul.

I’ll give you a tenner if you let me melt it and drink the wax. That way I’ll take on his powers.

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

I don’t think so Mark.


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

But imagine if only we could harness his powers for good?

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

I’m not really sure what you mean, but I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark.


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Fair enough. It does sound odd when you say it like that.

Sorry for the messing around.

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

No problem.

Author: markjorgy

is YOUR name Swedish or something?

One thought on “Letter to Madam Tussauds – “I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark””

  1. I’m incredibly relieved that someone else shares my belief that Jeremy “I will dissolve you with my laser eyes” Kyle is in-fact not human at all and I truly believe that if we join powers we can tackle this hideous being thereby making the world a better place, a place where disaffected youths can happily roam the streets with over-sized bottles of cider whilst dragging their illegitimate children behind them

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