Complaint to Cadburys – Goldless Wispa and Peter Gabriel

  For reference, you can always find any UK CEO’s email address on this website, helps for being a prick. From: Mark Jorgensen To: Mondelez International Consumer Service Subject: Careless Wispa Gold Hi Cadbury As you can tell from the George Michael reference in the heading, I’m a bit of a ‘muso’. If you asked anyone whoContinue reading “Complaint to Cadburys – Goldless Wispa and Peter Gabriel”

How To Have Fun Alone In A Hospital

Had to fill in a consent form at the hospital today. The conversation with the receptionist when I handed it in was a treat. What does this say under your religion? Tapirs What’s that? They’re like anteater things. What are? Tapirs Is that a religion? It is to me So it’s not a real thing?Continue reading “How To Have Fun Alone In A Hospital”

BT Complaint Round 2 – Come At Me Bro!

*I again copied in the CEO*   Dear BT, Recently, you and I had a bit of a bicker, which you can read here. You did some things (like over charge me for years for a service you weren’t properly providing). I said some things (like you chew with your mouth open and you areContinue reading “BT Complaint Round 2 – Come At Me Bro!”

Complaint to BT: MY Invoice

*It’s important to note that with this email I copied in the personal email of Joe Garner, CEO of BT Openreach/Broadband* Dear BT, Usually when I complain to companies, I have a pretty regimented structure which goes thusly: Intro with a compliment to gain trust Some form of ridiculous whimsy or other Then the cruxContinue reading “Complaint to BT: MY Invoice”

Spiders On A Tram – Letter To Metrolink

From: Mark Jorgensen To: Customer Services Subject: SPIDERS ON A TRAM Hi, I live and work in Manchester city centre so I seldom have a use for the tram network. Nevertheless, I occasionally pop out to the suburbs on a middle class pilgrimage to seek the wonders of Disbury’s dried spice market, haberdasheries, or sometimesContinue reading “Spiders On A Tram – Letter To Metrolink”

Complaint Letter To Betfred

Dear Betfred, In my inimitably childish ‘payday millionaire’ weekend I was recovering from a night of making expensively bad life decisions by watching the FA Cup on a bed that, frankly, could probably do with a Hoover. One of your adverts popped on offering a free £25 bet for opening an account. Why the DickensContinue reading “Complaint Letter To Betfred”

Literally writing to the Oxford English Dictionary

Dear OED I’ve always considered myself a sesquipedalian sort of chap. My aunt once said I was the ‘Nigel Mansell of words’. To be honest I don’t really understand the relation and I think she got her metaphor a bit jumbled but I appreciated the sentiment all the same. Imagine my dismay then, a coupleContinue reading “Literally writing to the Oxford English Dictionary”

Letter To Maoam – “Frisky Kinnock”

I’d firstly like to express how much I enjoy your devilishly delicious chews. They are a childish fruity treat which never fail to make me smile like a hog in a shitbath. I even like the name. I think it’s onomatopoeic in a sense that every time I say it, it coincides with an imaginaryContinue reading “Letter To Maoam – “Frisky Kinnock””

Letter to Lurpak – I’d like to discuss your understanding of the word ‘spreadable’

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website From: Lurpak Consumer Services To: Mark Jorgensen Hi Mark, We are continually monitoring these forms. Feel free to send me your enquiry and I will pass it to the appropriate team. Thanks, Community Manager, Lurpak ************************************************************************************* Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website From: Mark JorgensenContinue reading “Letter to Lurpak – I’d like to discuss your understanding of the word ‘spreadable’”