Letter to Madam Tussauds – “I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark”

From: Mark Jorgensen To: Guest Enquiries Subject: Enquiry Hi, I run a youth group for troubled teens in Stockport and I am looking for events to keep the kids engaged and out of trouble. We are planning a coach trip and one of the kids, Chazmar, has mentioned that she would like to go to Madame Tussauds. She’s quite ‘strongContinue reading “Letter to Madam Tussauds – “I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark””

Letter to Apple Inc – ‘Moves like Jagger’ and Paul Danan

From: Mark Jorgensen To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’ Subject: Docking station Dear Apple I’ll be honest and admit that it took me a while to get into Apple products. The more people tell me I should be doing something the less and less likely I’ll do it. I’d like to portray it as being strong-willed butContinue reading “Letter to Apple Inc – ‘Moves like Jagger’ and Paul Danan”

Letter to Walkers Crisps – battered by a crisp-daft Frenchman

From: Mark Jorgensen To: consumer@walkers.co.uk Subject: Walkers Crinkles Dear Walkers, Firstly I’d like to offer my congratulations on your longstanding excellence in the crisp game. Your salt and vinegar flavour has been my crisp of choice for as long as I can remember. They have added a sumptuous sandwich-enhancing crunch to many a lunchtime throughoutContinue reading “Letter to Walkers Crisps – battered by a crisp-daft Frenchman”

Manchester City Council – Oversight of the Twelfth Night

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk To: contact@manchester.gov.uk Subject: A concerned citizen Dear Manchester City Council, I hope you’re all doing well at the council and may I take the time to wish you all a (belated) happy new year. I think all in all 2011 was a testing year not just yourselves but for the public sector inContinue reading “Manchester City Council – Oversight of the Twelfth Night”

Complaint letter to Chuppa Chups

Dear Sir, Before get to the main crux of my point, I was bemused when I recently discovered that the Chuppa Chups logo was designed by none other than Salvador Dali?!! I’ve never before thought to combine surrealist art with lollipops but I guess the renegade decision to impale what is ostensibly a boiled sweetContinue reading “Complaint letter to Chuppa Chups”

Letter to Orange – MY survey

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk To: customer.services@orange.co.uk Subject: Account feedback request – Mobile Pay Monthly Dear Orange Ref mobile number – 07XXXXXXXX I recently received notification that you are increasing my monthly charge by around 4% in January. Negligible amount perhaps, but being inside contracted terms and without any changes to product or service and I find thisContinue reading “Letter to Orange – MY survey”

Up grit creek without a paddle

Manchester City Council have announced that they are setting up a Twitter account named @MCCGritters1 to keep the public abreast with their gritting schedule as we approach the peak of winter. For a country susceptible to the odd cold snap, Britain – or should I say Britons – cope spectacularly poorly each and every timeContinue reading “Up grit creek without a paddle”

Phonecall with Barclays – The Panther

Google+ Transcribed from vague memory…. Hello Mr Jorgensen, its Jenny from Barclays Premier. Are you free to speak? Briefly Jenny. Ok fantastic, thank you. Before we start I’d like to ask if it would it be ok if I call you Mark? No, I don’t think so. No? No. Ok then, Mr Jorgensen I don’tContinue reading “Phonecall with Barclays – The Panther”

Attacked By a Swan: My Story

Originally published by Manchester Confidential A couple of weeks back, I’d been at a friend’s house drinking budget Caribbean rum and bogaling to some mild commercial reggae and had reluctantly embarked upon the arduous trudge home. I decided to take a short cut due to the rain, opting to brave the cottagers and weirdos alongContinue reading “Attacked By a Swan: My Story”