Get Juga-Naut’s EP ‘6 Bricks’ with Micall Parknsun here
And the VVV ‘Apocalypse Trent’ with Cappo and Vandall Savage here
Listen back to the full show here
Rick begins proceedings by addressing his fellow party goers, advising them that the following ditty is going to be something of a new listening experience. He goes on to introduce his associate, the most celebrated Doug E Fresh and then himself Ricky D, known in some circles as The Grand Wizard MC. He proudly proclaims that he is dedicating the following exchanges to the year 1985 and implores the listener to confirm that he is ok to continue.
Rick is fed up of many of his rival rappers and he certainly doesn’t mind letting us know about it, suggesting that their ‘crap’ rhymes are the result of them being out of tune with the modern age and, consequently, he has no problem biting their rhymes.
He advises that he and Doug face little threat from these outdated foes due to the fact that they themselves are undoubtedly the most talented ambassadors of their chosen field of spitting fire over beats. Not only that, Rick confirms that they most certainly don’t rest on their laurels in this knowledge and constantly seek to improve their output so the listener must listen close to gage this for themselves.
He then introduces the main body of the story with a precursory La Di Da Di (which is a loosely assembled form of Jazz scat singing).
Rick and Doug love to attend a party or two but it is important to emphasise that they would never dream of being the purveyors of any form of confrontation when enjoying themselves at a soiree. He suggests that they are simply a couple of chaps who enjoy taking to the microphone to perform and when they do so, they perform with requisite gusto.
Excluding those suffering from ailments, Rick addresses the healthy listener and rather sweetly suggests that he and Doug like nothing more than seeing people smiling and being in good spirits. Rick says that his main motivation is to be the cause of the happiness emanating from the partygoers and listeners, commenting that he finds this kind of atmosphere to be cool.
Like a grandfather regaling stories to the children beside a fireplace, he implores us to be careful to listen intently to the following story because the events within are extremely commonplace in daily life.
Rick’s day begins with a bit of a lay in, until roughly 10am whereby he enjoys a yawn and a good stretch before managing to haul himself out of bed and head for the bathroom to freshen up. Whilst exfoliating his face with soap, Rick addresses the mirror in pantomime fashion by asking his reflection who is the greatest MC in the land. There begins a strange rumbling sound from behind the mirror which lasts for some 5 minutes or so before he receives a rather curt response to his question. The mirror is somewhat nonplussed that Rick has asked who the greatest is, knowing full well that it is he, and it feels that he has been rather arrogant in fishing for such a compliment.
Hardly shaken by the revelation, Rick agrees by noting that he is indeed the greatest and this is the reason why he gets very little trouble going about his business. He continues to wash the soap from his face and brush his expensive gold gnashers. Rick allows us into a little secret of his beautifying process that he uses Oil of Olay moisturiser to counteract any dermatological frailties and to avoid his skin becoming pale.
After a quick file of his nails, Rick runs himself a lovely bath and after a nice soak in the tub, he feels clean, fresh and ready to take on the world.
He begins getting dressed, brand new Gucci briefs straight from the packet and expecting that he may engage in some form of congress with a young lady at some juncture today he ensures to apply some baby powder to his delicate area and splash on some Ralph Lauren aftershave.
Putting the final touches to his sartorial get-up, he puts on some fly green socks and some trendy Basketball boots and he’s ready to roll.
Rick leaves the house and no sooner is he half way down the road when he realises he’s forgotten an integral part of the outfit, his Kangol hat, so back he trundles.
Finally ready he meanders, somewhat aimlessly, down a local alleyway where he encounters a girl he knows from the valley, entertainingly named Sally. Now, Rick briefly eludes to the fact that he and Sally have had some previous.
This time, however, Sally seems extremely upset so Rick asks her what’s wrong to which she replies with a blubbersome tirade that since Rick left her, she’s been struggling to cope emotionally and that he has no idea just how much love she still holds for him even despite the fact he left her.
Forever the gent, Rick consoles poor Sally and out the corner of his (good) eye, he spots Sallys mother approaching with her two children. Her mother says hello to Rick rather abruptly, turns to Sally and without saying a word, punches her to the ground. Once on the ground, Rick watches Sally being repeatedly punched and kicked by her own mother in what is a brutal assault causing the terrified children to run away.
Rick struggles to compute the events taking place before his very eye, but he can’t help but appreciate and acknowledge the unfathomable strength being displayed by Sally’s bitch mother. Finally jumping to action, Rick wades in to break up the conflict and Sally’s mother turns to Rick and explains that she is beating up her daughter because if she can’t have sex with Rick, then Sally certainly can’t either. Seemingly not knowing that Rick had broken up with Sally anyway.
In a fight or flight moment, Rick courageously opts for the latter and makes a break to run away but the mother gives chase and her speed is seemingly as good as her brute strength and she soon catches him.
She rather desperately suggests that they have a nice day out, driving around in his expensive vintage Jaguar before going back to her place to fornicate. She reveals that so impressed by Ricks abilities as a wordsmith she is, that she will love him for the considerable future.
Rather uncomfortable in this revelation, Rick analyses that the lady is probably older than his own mother whilst she continues to confess her undying love.
In an attempt to diffuse the situation, Rick offers her a courtesy kiss but advises that she is simply not his type due to her age. Sally’s mother becomes hysterical and Rick, clutching at straws, tells her that he is only 19, a claim she stubbornly refutes. After failing to placate the woman by offering to get his own mother to confirm his age, Rick loses control of his tact and reveals the real reason that couldn’t possibly make love to her because her elderly vagina must be leathery and wrinkled.
Rick doesn’t go on to explain whether or not this frank admission diffused the situation and rather cryprically closes with..
“To the heart tick tock you don’t stop
To the heart tick tock you don’t quit, hit it!”
The listener is hereby implored to draw their own conclusions.