Ad reply – John The Muggy Whip Thief

Bored and hungover I replied to an ad…

Johns Alfa

 

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From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Are you trying to mug me off or are you just stupid?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Excuse me?


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

You know exactly what I’m talking about


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Stop wasting my time.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Let me ask you something John, and try not to be a snivelling little mug about it, where and when did you get that car exactly?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏What business is that of yours?

 


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Don’t get lemon sunshine, it don’t suit you.

I’ll tell you why it’s my business John, that’s my car which was stolen from me and now you’re mysteriously selling it on fucking Gumtree? Mug.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

What? I bought this at car auction in Birmingham over a year ago! How do you know it’s yours?

Lemon? What are you talking about?


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

I recognise the car and the licence plate, smart dick.

Is that a pub?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Is what a pub?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Jesus. You’re a pub, John. You are.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!!!!


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

The Auction. Where is it? Is that where you drink? I need to come down there and have a word with you and them. Nobody steals my car and mugs me off like this.


 

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

A CAR AUCTION, THAT’S NOT A PUB. AN AUCTION WHERE THEY SELL CARS.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

YEA EVIDENTLY WHERE THEY SELL MY FUCKING CAR JOHN!

Are you mugging me off? I’ve Googled it and there is not a single pub called The Car Auction in the UK.

Hang on I’ll try Bing….


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

WHAT??????


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

YOU AND YOUR MUGGY LITTLE MATES SELLING MY WHIP AT YOUR MUGGY LITTLE PUB.

Nothing on Bing either.  How convenient eh?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Oh my God, you are incredibly stupid. A whip? I don’t know what you mean.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

A whip is slang for a car, do you not listen to hip hop?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

No I don’t listen to bloody hip hop and I don’t know what that has got to do with anything.

This is getting ridiculous. If you’ve got a problem, you need to report it to Gumtree or the Police.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Yea you wish John. I’m not a Police kind of geezer, understand?

 


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

No I don’t understand. Are you threatening me?

 


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Don’t start acting like a melt now sugartits, you and your muggy little pals robbed my fucking Audi, now you’re trying to sell it.

Nobody mugs me off like that.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Audi? This is an Alfa!!!!!!

 


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Fuck off is it. I’m not a prick John. I know an Audi when I see one. Especially my fucking Audi


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

What? This is an Alfa Romeo 147….. LOOK AT THE PICTURE YOU RETARD.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Oh yea. Actually, my Audi was blue as well, not red. Sorry about that.

That’s not a bad looking whip you got there though, how much you want for it?

Does it have a log book? I’ve had some bad experiences with stolen cars in the past.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Fuck you.

Ad reply – Gay Keith and ‘The Fight Bastard’

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Bored and hungover I replied to a Gumtree ad…

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Have you ever eaten grouse?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Sorry, wrong person. I was emailing someone else at the same time and mixed them up.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Lol, ok. Are you interested in the room?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m such a bellend. If it’s any consolation, I asked the girl I was supposed to be emailing about cooking for her how many toilets she had. I think she thought I was referring to her defecation activity, but using childish language. I’ve tried to explain that I would never think that as girls don’t defecate. Well, certainly not the pretty ones.

Yes I’m interested in the flat. Can you let me know some more details?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m not sure what so say back to that really.

The room is £535 per month which includes bills, internet and sky. It is a shared bathroom and I am a 30 year old professional guy, I work as an accountant, I have 2 cats, I enjoy socialising but not too crazy these days.

Can you tell me about yourself and we can arrange a viewing.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Baby I’ve TOLD you, I meant to email someone else. I would never ask you anything like that. My only concerns about the activities of your bottom would most certainly be those including me!! (Like my birthday J ) xxxx


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Errrr, I think you emailed the wrong person again mate


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Really? Why, what did it say?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t really want to repeat it to be honest, just check your sent items.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Oh, wow, Christ. Sorry about that Keith. That was meant for her eyes only. Sorry.

If I sent that to you, that means I’ve just sent my ‘about me’ bit to her. That’s going to cause problems. Shit.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Right, Ok. Well that’s nothing to do with me. Can you send it on to me anyway.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

It said  –

“I’m a 28 year old masseur, I enjoy playing the clarinet, socialising with friends and I am a semi professional wrestler. You can come and watch!! I’m called ‘The Fight Bastard’. It’s a bit like low budget WWE, but it’s really good fun. I currently have a girlfriend but don’t know how long that’s going to last, she’s a bit like a Tasmanian Devil in a wig these days”

You see my concerns? I did send it to her.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Oh dear. Yes, I can’t imagine she’ll be pleased with that.  You’re a masseur and wrestler? Sounds interesting…..

Do you want to arrange a viewing?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You don’t know the half of it mate, she doesn’t know I’m a masseur, or that I’m a wrestler. She’s fine with the clarinet.

Can you help me out….I need to make up an excuse to cover for this. Can I tell her you’re my new flatmate and what I sent her was a profile I was helping you write for a gay dating site?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t want to get involved with this, you’re not my flatmate and all of this is putting me off the chance of that happening. Why would it be a gay site?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I just figured, you know, because of the cats. And you lol’d earlier.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s gay about cats?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

No, nothing, sorry, I’m sure the cats are really tough.

Can you help me out with Jenny?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s your problem? Do you think that insulting me is going to make me help you OR let you move in?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you? I will bring round a bottle of wine when I come for the viewing to say sorry. You’re a ‘rose man’ right?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

A ‘rose man’? You can piss off I’m not interested.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s the problem?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Well you were obviously calling me gay


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t care that you’re gay at all? I’m not homophobic in the slightest and I have quite a lot of gay friends. It’s not an issue.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’M NOT FUCKING GAY!!!!


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Wow, evidently not. You’re either a homophobe or a closet, why are you getting so angry?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Fuck off and stop wasting my time. You’re the one who wrestles around in lycra with men.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Been thinking about that a lot have you? Tell you what, I’ll get you front row seats at the next event if you call Jenny for me and back me up?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You are an absolute prick. Fuck you, your gay wrestling, and your probably ugly girlfriend.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Jenny I’m so sorry, I’ve been trying to help out this gay guy I know with a dating profile. He really needed my help, he’s not really got anyone except for these two little cats and I think he’s in need of a man, I was just trying to help him out but turns out he’s an ungrateful wang anyway so I’m not getting involved anymore.

Can I come round and see you tonight? xxx


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You are fucking unbelievable. Don’t ever email me again.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Did you ever answer if you’d eaten grouse?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Fuck off.

Ad reply – Carry On Gumtree and Darren’s Console

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Bored and hungover I replied to a Gumtree ad…

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Please can you advise the current state of your console?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Sorry I realised after reading that back it sounded as though I was using a euphemism for the well-being of your genitals.

I did not mean this.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Er, ok. I didn’t think thats what you meant but whatever.

It’s in good condition, only had it for a few months.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Oh right. Well that’s awkward that I brought it up then.

Sorry.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Like I said, whatever. Are you interested in the PS3?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I am genuinely a little humiliated but thanks for your understanding. Are you not familiar with the term ‘console’ as a euphemism for a gentleman’s destroyer? Perhaps this is restricted to my region.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Shit, sorry, by ‘my region’, I wasn’t referring to my console (i.e. penis and testicles). I’m not having much luck with this am I?

It’s like Carry On Gumtree!


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Again, I didn’t think that’s what you meant, I think it’s in your own head mate.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I think it may have just been a Freudian slit.

I am interested yes. What games does it have?

Would it be possible for me to inspect the machine before committing to buy? I am a little bit OCD about hygiene and stuff so I just need to check a couple of things.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

*slip. Sorry.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

The games with it are GTA 4, Call Of Duty, and FIFA 12.

You can have a look at if you want but you can see all you need to see from the picture. What hygiene stuff?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Well I read a story about hand bacteria a couple of years back and it’s made me a bit paranoid about cleanliness. So I’d just like to check the pads over.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Check them over for what?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I’m not pointing any fingers, I just need to check something.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Check what?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I recall when a friend of mine split up with his girlfriend and went a bit insular. He used to play on a Master League on Pro Evo pretty much 18 hours a day.

He said the only breaks he would have were to masturbate during each transfer window of each season, then continue playing. I’m assuming he didn’t wash his hands in between either.

Like I say, I’m not pointing any fingers, but I’m just a bit of a stickler for hand cleanliness on stuff like pads and door handles.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

What the fuck? So you want to check the pads to see if I’ve been wanking before using them?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Well sort of, but it sounds weirder than it is when you say it like that.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

It is fucking weird. And how do you tell that from looking at them?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

It’s not a big deal, honestly. Just a couple of swabs from the pads then if it’s all good I’ll take the PS3 off your hands.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

You want to swab the controllers? Are you mad?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Honestly, it’s not a big deal. Just a couple of swabs from you and the controllers would take about 3 minutes, if that checks out, we’re all good.

We’ll probably be mates afterwards.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Are you fucking mental? Me and the controllers? You’re not swabbing anywhere near me you freak.

There’s no chance of us being mates either.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

‘swabbing’? Are you referring to masturbating? I can assure you that wasn’t my intention.

I think we probably will be mates if you’d open up a bit.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Sorry, just re-read, I know what you mean now. Ignore my previous email. And by open up, I meant your mind, not your buttocks or anything.

Are you free for me to come over tonight? I just need to know so I can get the cash ready etc.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about but I’m not interested. I’m going to sell to someone else.

Someone who isn’t talking about wanking and DNA swabs for buying a fucking playstation.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Ok, I think there is a little mix up here. I have mentioned swabs but I am not intending any wanking – I thought we’d clarified that?


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Whatever mate, you’re not coming anywhere near my house


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Sorry I didn’t mean for this to turn out like this. I really want that PS3. Can I just come round to talk it over, I’ll bring money.

No gay stuff, I just really want to get my hands on that console of yours and I’m willing to pay whatever.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

You want to pay to get your hands on my console? Sounds pretty gay to me.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Oh for fuck sake, grow up Darren.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

ME GROW UP? You’re the one who started all of this you freak. I’m not letting you anywhere near my house.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Are you referring to your penis?


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Go fuck yourself


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers