Next England Footballer Scandal

According to my sources close to his agent, Emile Heskey has reportedly failed in a super-injunction amid claims that he often engaged in the demented masturbatory practise of ‘The Angry Trumpeteer’. During which he frantically smeared his crotch with preserved Dizzy Gillespie  trumpet ‘run-off’ while a prostitue shouted crazed insults about his International scoring record through a trumpet shaped like a cock.

Paddy Power have aleady paid out on the story being headline news in the tabloids by the weekend.

England job application

My current achievements

Dear FA,

I appreciate that this may be a pre-emptive enquiry as Mr Capello still holds the post of England manager, however, I would like to tender both my interest and availability for the post.

3 Lions. This is our national football emblem said to embody the fiery passion and dominance of a Tripartite of regal Moggies. In viewing our exploits in the competitive arena over the last few years I fear Ligers are a more apt symbol of ‘our lads’ and this is exactly the root of the problem.

If you’re not aware, the liger is a hybrid cross between a male lion (Panthera leo) and a tigress (Panthera tigris). On paper, this would seem a formidable duality of 2 of nature’s most dominant and powerful mammals. Right? Wrong. The problem with these lads is that the genetic splicing of these 2 creatures leaves some semblance of each, but at the expense of a multitude of crippling somatic inefficiencies. On paper, they should be an unstoppable force of some of mother nature’s more conquering genus and lineage.

However, ‘on paper’ surmounts to little more than a collection of squiggles of mock squid ejaculate on pulped trees. ‘On paper’ is a wonderful example of the clichéd nomenclature of England fans as a precursory excuse to inevitable underachievement and collectively mourned failure. ‘On paper’ the collection of players we have should place us firmly at the forefront of football brilliance and achievement. In reality, during the latest World Cup debacle, we limply observed these brilliant individual footballers incompetently shuffling around like cumbersome middle-aged pornographers.

This is not the action of a ‘Pride of Lions’, it is the ineffectual splicing of positive attributes together to create a decrepit and bumbling collective. Much like the poor old Liger.

It is time for a change, a change of both regime and ethos. So, here is a brief outline of my plans –

–          Method. I will attempt to infuse the self-effacing plucky ol’ England spirit with mysterious Eastern teaching methods. Imagine, if you will, if Sir Alf Ramsay were to adopt the guise of a Mr Miyagi style sensei to craft these rough diamonds into a sleek footballing necklace of success.

–          Ego. It has been much (over) publicised that the England dressing room is a medieval battle of self-induced powerful erections fencing each other as they jock for position. This ‘culture’ as the news would call it, stems from the constant stream of hot air being blown up the collective golden apertures of our squad based upon their club form and achievements. No more, under my management the players will be treated like detainees. They will stay in Travel Taverns. There will be only 11 beds available and will be attained on reward based upon performance in training. The remaining players will be forced to sleep standing up in the yard. Want a bed do you Wayne? Well pull your non-opposable thumb out in training then.

–          Training. Aside from the usual technical training methods, there will be a number of new initiatives I will bring to the table. i.e. cognitive behavioural therapy to redress maladaptive thought patterns, neutering, squad fishing trips and mild torture.

–          Man Management. Any big cat handler will attest that the dominant/submissive dynamic  is key to the rearing process and I will adopt this method in my management. No team talks, no collective messages; each player will be personally man-managed on a personal and rotational basis to ensure maximum effectiveness of individual respect and quash the irreverent pack mentality currently exhibited. 

I hope this brief overview provides requisite credence to highlight the overhaul in culture I can bring to the role.

This brings me nicely onto my experience and achievements. I accept that I am perhaps a little ill-equipped for the role off first glance, but if there is a lesson to be learnt from World Cup 2010 it is again that we cannot read too much in to idle perception. Off first glance England could have easily won this Trophy, wouldn’t you agree? Besides, Ssshteve Van McLaren was appointed England manager despite his inability to manage a buggery at a barn dance.

–          Attached to this mail is a screen shot of my last management campaign with Blackburn Rovers on Championship manager. As you can see, my record is inconceivably good. 10 points clear, +80 goal difference from 29 games, unbeaten league season; despite the shoestring-budget I was afforded by the Lancashire minnows. I also achieved FA Cup success in the same season and can send you a screen shot to ratify this should you desire.

–          I guided Rainford Rangers under 11’s football team to, again, league and cup gory in my first season in change, even despite the fact that my stalwart captain had a tendency to cry and wet himself during important matches.

–          At Plattfields Park in Manchester one day this very summer, I managed a collection of my friends for a game we were challenged to by some local youths. Despite the appalling fitness and evident hangovers displayed my troops, I presided over a magnificent 23-20 victory. Spritely youthfulness and ability is no match for ruthless tactical nous and unbridled psychobattery.

I believe these facts and statistics speak for themselves and I would be delighted for the opportunity to discuss more at interview. If you do need further persuasion, please find below a couple of references.

There has been much said that we must now revert to having an English manager at the helm and I would like to allay any concerns of my suitability on this front. I know you are no slouches down there at FA HQ so you will have noticed that my surname is Jorgensen and, consequently, am no thoroughbred Englishman. My Danish heritage (along with a dash of Irish, a touch of Scottish and a sprig of Latvian), should not discount me from the running as I can confirm that I was born and bred of these Isles and although I may have a innate propensity to seek bacon or pillage a homeland or two, I am as English as Greg Rusedski ever was.

I look forward to the opportunity restoring national pride and transforming these ‘3 Ligers’ back into the ‘3 Lions’ we long them to be. I am the Madcap Football scientist to reverse the effects of the football centric splicing which has caused so many to shed upsetting water from their faces for so long.

Thank you for considering my application and your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Ambitious regards,

Mark Jorgensen

Manchester Confidential

Advertising, football and sandwich Attaché

“I’ve only known Mark for 4 weeks but in that time I have seen evidence enough to confirm that he would be the ideal candidate to really shake things up”

Jonathan Schofield

Editor. Manchester Confidential

“He doesn’t play by the rules my boy, but he gets results God damn it”

Steve Jorgensen. Father.

Oh Shit-zerland

Swiss enter Administration as Global Crisis Deepens

Report by Freddy terror

With the financial capitulation of Portsmouth FC still disturbingly fresh in the memory, the Global recession was plunged further into chaos last night after it was announced that Switzerland is to enter administration following a period of dramatic financial decline.

Once the millionaire’s playground due to its ‘Tax Haven’ status, it has been revealed that the country has been wracking up monumental debts for decades in order to compete with other opulent European rivals such as San Tropez and Montecarlo. Global Economic specialist for Reuters Barry Manlove guffawed “turns out there are as many holes in their economy as there is in their cheese” in a transparently rehearsed interview.

Administrators were called into parliament in Geneva last night and began the process of selling assets to address the payment of overdue debts. The Swiss Armed Forces were immediately sold to Belgium for a cut price of €1.5m. In addition, the Intellectual property to many of Switzerland’s most revered assets, including Cuckoo Clocks and novelty ‘combat’ knives have been referenced on the administrators asset register for sale to appease creditors.

“Catastrophic Blow”

To further compound the nation’s woes, the process of administration leaves the Swiss facing a 9 point deduction in 2010 Eurovision Song Contest, a spokeswoman for Terry Wogan confirmed. Swiss Culture Secretary Manfred Fringl said of the decision “It’s a catastrophic blow. It’s one thing to strip a country of their financial assets and armed forces but to place our Eurovision entries success in jeopardy before they’ve even stepped on stage is an inconceivably inhumane ruling and we shall be appealing to the European Court of Human Rights immediately.”

Following the announcement, riot police were drafted in to Geneva as a precautionary measure after thousands of protesters gathered in the city displaying placards and melting waxwork effigies of Wogan with industrial strength acid.

The true extent of the debts are yet to be revealed but it is being widely reported that the leaders of the Swiss economy have been using funds held in high interest accounts of many high profile names to plug the gaps over their overspending. Saviour of the Universe Bob Geldoff has already appeared live on Jonathan Ross’ talk show and directed a piece to camera addressing the Swiss authorities demanding “give me the fuckin’ money!! I er..need it for all the hungry children and that.”

The administrators are due to release a statement early next week to reveal the true extent of the crisis.

Louis Theroux, Noah and the Great Animal Crusade

When he done all His creating and that..

Perhaps the most glaring example of God’s reverence for all creatures was where a mass flood resulted in poor old Noah having to round up two of every single species on the planet and whisk them to safety from an impending flood. I do question the validity of this as I can’t help but labour over the point that surely God must have presided over the formation and presence of this flood in the first place, so to then scamper around for emergency contingency plans seems, to my irrelevant brain, to be a little out of order.

That aside, it would be easy to be blasé about this incident but upon more penetrating research, this really is not only an astonishing feat by Noah, but also an unbelievably unreasonable request from God to bestow upon just one man. I’ve always envisaged Noah to be an amiable and resourceful chap, much in the mould of Ray Mears but perhaps with a bit more social presence and charm, ala Brian Blessed. As a skilled carpenter (Gods most popularly focused trade), whose previous job may have been to erect a primitive bureau of some sort, Noah is suddenly required not only to craft a goliath ship large enough to house a duo of every single creature in the world, but also to also take charge of all operations in this cross species philanthropic crusade. (Duties include shepherding, geology, interior design, navigation, boat operation, animal handling – map reading/orienteering and nautical experience are desirable but not mandatory. The ideal candidate will be committed, motivated, and good under pressure – the rugged strike-a-match-on-his-face-type superhero with an unfathomable heart of gold).

Had Noah have seen this job advertised in his local smutty rag, I would imagine all the trinkets in Bethlehem would still not have enticed him to take on such a thankless task. However, being personally asked by our lord and creator of all the universe, Noah must acquiesce. I’d imagine Noah’s poor wife was subjected to tirade of work bemoaning abuse reminiscent of Michael Palin as the tortured football fan in ‘Ripping Yarns’. Although undoubtedly spurious, there are approximately 60,000 vertebrate and 1.2m invertebrate land-dwelling creatures that would be at risk of such a flood. I must include all sub species of every kind, the religious renunciation of evolution would indicate that each single creed of every species group was a niche design and, thus, required on the ark.

An important point which cannot be ignored at this juncture is that there are an endless list of creatures which are indigenous to specific continents, regions and even islands. In order to be complicit with God’s orders, Noah must have travelled to every corner of the globe (including the Antarctic) before the flood struck. No easy feat. Perhaps the most startling aspect of this is that in order to achieve the specifications, Noah’s knowledge of animals must have been colossal to correctly identify (and not forget) all creatures great and small. Even the legendary David Attenborough is not aware of every species of creature, particularly with new variations found all the time. Even if Noah was a keen animal enthusiast prior to this project, God himself as creator of all must have either provided personal tutelage befitting of a Hollywood montage, or published a comprehensive and illustrated almanac of all.

The reason for my heavy focus upon this one tiny modicum of Religious scripture is because it is a pivotal example of how all of God’s creatures were duly created and, thus, equal. This caused me great concern. One of the central premises behind most mainstream religions is the ethos of ‘believe or die’ as Bill Hicks once observed. Each individual must abide by a strict list of specifications and offer full partisan reciprocation of God’s unrequited love in order to gain entry to eternal equilibrium, but perhaps more importantly, to avoid burning in Hell for the rest of time, being perpetually jabbed in the temples with a hot trident. I can only assume from God’s equality policies and species diplomacy that this must also be the case for all of our animal brethren.

This led me to wonder-how on earth is, say, a wasp (nature’s abominable super-bastards) able to sculpt its daily conduct in accordance with these expectations without being privy to all of the information? I have personally made what I believe to be an informed choice to be atheist and if, as a consequence, I perish in Satan’s seedy basement for all of eternity, then I will have to shoulder the blame for this myself. Obviously there are mitigating factors such as upbringing, both of my parents are atheist and I have therefore developed in much the same mould. Although, I would say that, in accordance with the prophecy, being indoctrinated into His family through the guise of a Christening is a pre-requisite for entry to God’s ‘life after party’. The fact that I have not been Christened infers that even if I were to abide implicitly with all Biblical expectations, the very best I could hope for is to be a floating soul-nomad in the abyss of purgatory like an unwanted step child forced to live in the garden.

I have made my own heathen bed and I must lie in it, however, I am hugely perturbed that animals are not being given a level playing field to save their souls. I mentioned earlier that we have the most gilded attribute in the form of critical thinking and we therefore have the opportunity to have the Bible – the exact word of God translated via human conduit according to evangelists – and therefore have the sources and capabilities to understand and adjust ourselves. I therefore believe that we are solely responsible to educate every single creature on this earth, from the lowly plankton right up to the gargantuan blue whale. From what I can ascertain, God has offered unfair favouritism to our side and I even suggest that this may be part of a larger scale test of our loving nature.

Time has come, ladies and gentlemen, to step up to the plate and ensure that all of earth’s living creatures are at least given the opportunity to make an informed decision on their beliefs and, consequently, their path after death. We, as a species, have brutally sequestered the whole globe through brain-powered tyranny leaving a limitless trail of animal carcasses and botched ecosystems in our wake. The very least we owe is to offer to lead them to a potentially blissful afterlife as scant recompense for our barbarous conduct pre (and probably during) death.

My opinions are probably as welcome as a severed tramps toe in your hangover breakfast, but may I be so bold as to make some suggestions for who should assume ownership and spearhead this onerous yet honourable mandate. After toiling for some time, Attenborough Himself (pro’s: animal/world knowledge, voice like a cloud whispering into a sleeping ear to calm the beasts, empathetic. Con’s: Age. Schmoozing is no use if Dave pops a quintuple hernia trying to erect sub-aquatic housing for a pair of Terrapins). PJ and Duncan? (Pro’s: Loveable cheeky scamps, popular, there are two of them, they are self-styled go-getters who are Ready to Rumble should circumstance dictate to coin verbatim claim. Con’s: Silly. Have a blighted history of feeding live animals to blithering fame-whores for the televised amusement of the asinine masses. Is PJ still blind? I’m a supporter of equal opportunities but that’s just not going to work). Finally I settled upon Louis Theroux. Love or be annoyed by his wet blanket approach (I like him), I believe Louis would be the man for the job. His wily inquisitive manner, softened by his non-threatening and almost childlike demeanour, I believe that I have seen enough of his work to be assured that the mandrills and komodo dragons of this world would have their souls in safe, reliable and Fairy Liquid-motherly  soft hands. Perhaps with David Attenborough holding a consultative ‘Technical Director’ position, Louis as ARSE. (Attaché for Repentant Soul Emancipation)

Ok, so I now have assembled my crack team, there is still a veritable Everest ahead but thankfully, like God before me, I have set the ball rolling so may now step back and edge away from the cloud of responsibility. However, assuming Dave and Louis complete the unthinkable with consummate finesse – which I know they will – there would have to be a number of considerations to the process and impact of this project.

Firstly, there may be an initial backlash from the animal world that we have been keeping this information from them up to this point. Consider that if we found out all of a sudden that, for example, hedgehogs had been withholding key illuminati -style information from us all of this time, such as the meaning of life or the existence of higher powers that we have no comprehension of. I would imagine that if this were ever to come to light, humans would demand answers and perhaps even pursue unthinkable retribution upon the spiny little traitors. I don’t want to speculate and babble unchartered hyperbole, but I fear that animals may demand explanation as to why we haven’t advised them of this before. A wolf who had just lost its mother the day before it was briefed on this, may feel a little aggrieved as its mother would never have been given the opportunity to gain entry to God’s celestial Shangri La, and Louis may be subjected to a deep feeling of ignominy during such a conversation.

I must, at this stage, cover the set up of Heaven and the make- up of how this would work. Would all animals and humans live together in Heaven or Hell? Personally, I would find it soothing to imagine that we could all live in harmony with one another in Heaven and cast aside all of the silly bother which had occurred on earth. Imagine the glee of being reunited with the family dog Pierre which you were so devastated to lose at a damagingly young age? Or even to inveigle your sister’s hamster which you sat on whilst drunk and then covered this heinous act by placing the furry cadaver on the living room floor with an apparent ‘fallen’ ornament on top of it as a shameful alibi. This idea brings me upon a potential capricious bananaskin which God may be presented with;

The 10 commandments. If we are all to attend the same Heaven, then the 10 commandments must be applicable across all species in order to be in line with its own teachings. Cross species murder? It would be harsh to apply such a rule to any carnivorous species which much kill in order to survive. It would be a bizarre world if suddenly the lions all had to resort to herbivorous diets to purge their murderous souls and ended up looking like gaunt alley cat zombies trying to get by eating plums and rocket leaves.

This would also have cataclysmic effects upon life within the oceans, whereby food chain hierarchy is pivotal to the continuation of all life. If Louis Theroux has popped on his Kevlar wetsuit and NASA submarine breathing/megaphone technology to educate all of our slippery chums, Sharks or even the unfortunately-faced Marlin do not have the resources to be able to shun killing their respective smaller prey and opt for a hummus and couscous salad, unless Louis takes it with him, but this is unfeasible to expect this of him.

Manslaughter. Where would this fit in to the schedule? I have always had a relatively Buddhist approach to all creatures and would prefer to embark upon an epic 2-day battle with a fly trying to get it in a glass and safely out of the window, rather than smash its wings through its face with a slipper or gas it to death with an insect spray.  I have been mocked by this a lot in the past and there is no spiritual element to this other than a severe dislike of gratuitous killing. However even I will have killed countless creatures. i.e. Driving in a car at 80mph recklessly smashing an array of poor little flying berks to a soft paste with my big genocidal autothug, or that woeful ‘follow-through’ style body freeze when you realise you have just stood on a snail. Make no mistake though, that if a creature makes the first unwarranted aggressive move and I was, say, bitten by a spider (my personal nemesis and natures MEGA bastards), I would not think twice than to kick it right in the spiracles.

Inadvertently, this mantra would have given me access to the cross species heaven had only I been christened, oh, and I hadn’t done all of the other sinful things which blight my grubby little existence. In any case, I wonder how harshly God could judge a rhinoceros trundling along, perhaps even to kindly deliver an apple to a zebra, but crushing a succession of insects and other runts with its unsuspecting lumbering hooves. This also hinges upon the assumption that God would use our human-created judicial term of ‘manslaughter’ itself, he may not consider accidental killing being an offence under his rulings so I am again working on conjecture.

I seem to have digressed somewhat from all original points. I think that in retrospect the cross-species heaven concept is a non starter due to the reasons cited above. I think that the only answer is that there must be an individual afterlife for each creature, or perchance, every utterance or notion of any form of God and/or afterlife is archaic hogwash?

However, there are only 2 things I can be sure of from all this, which are as follows –

– Louis Theroux and David Attenborough are the only 2 people on earth with the capabilities to save the collective bloodthirsty souls of our fledgling existence.

– Wasps and spiders can fuck off. Really, just fuck off. In some ways I wish there is a Hell, because I could then be content in the knowledge that every single one of the heinous bastards will scorch for eternity in spike-laden dungeons hanging precariously from the fourth ring of Hell.

Leo

With your moon now precariously nestled within the Anteaters Proboscis Nebula; today you will be brimming with a wistfully critical self-knowledge.  This may only worsen after unwittingly swallowing a cubic pint of a stranger’s rectal gas whilst on crammed public transport en route to an unrewarding job. 

You may eat a nostalgic snack, such as Popping Candy, and regress to a horrific childhood event; you must try to conceal this weakness from foes.

Love   – Try not to covertly browse a loved-ones social networking profile as the information contained within can only result in raised voices and upsetting nausea.

Single? A drunken browse through classified ads in a local rag may yield saucy results.

Work – Resonating suspicions regarding a ‘shady’ employee will today reach a terrifying crescendo, including flashing lights and a Daily Mail Flash mob.

Beware of Earwigs moving quickly!!

Dear Beryl

Problem page

Dear Beryl,

My amazing wife and I have been together for nearly ten years and up until recently have been blissfully in love. I would choose death before accepting that I could never see the beautifully innocent perfection of her crimson lipped smile for the rest of my life. Since the first moment we met, our relationship has been a perpetually illuminating Aurora Borealis light display of emotional bliss, I felt complete. Now, I feel a complete dickhead.

 Over the past 6 months, I fear we have begun to drift apart following her new job. She has been spending an awful lot of time outside of her work with a handsome new colleague named Ben and suspect that they may be having affair. I have found condom wrappers in our bed on 8 separate occasions and when confronted about it, my wife called me a ‘paranoid twat’ and struck me. I began to think that perhaps I’d overreacted until she cancelled our annual Pony-trekking holiday claiming she had the sniffles, only to go down the Quasar with Ben and some other colleagues, not returning until 4am smelling of deep musk and anger.

I really love my wife and I‘d do anything to save our marriage. Every time I look at her, my heart is suddenly alight and even after a decade together, the quivering butterflies I get every time I see her face embodies the unremitting and indescribable adoration I have. I have to win her back, even for the sake of our sex life and our dog Benji alone…he’d be crushed. And the six children.

Please help me Beryl.

Ralph from Tittingham.

Beryl says… Ralph, I know exactly what has happened here and I hate to be the bearer of hurtful news but this soulless harpy is rightfully taking you for a bit of a cunt. She is most certainly being pummelled senseless by this ‘Ben’, and I suspect there are a string of other cum-padres sodding your smutty bride all over the neighbourhood.

Allow me to offer my educated conjecture; you were childhood sweethearts, completely enraptured by the very mention of each others name. A prolonged ‘Honeymoon’ period of insatiable carnal rutting lead, typically, towards good Sex’s hangover; Love. She was the one! You were the one! The one beautifully sculpted sentient being on this horrid Earthy doom-sphere perfectly created for a rose tinted, ditty-whistling saunter through life together. Soon Ralph, and correct me if I’m wrong, these rose tinted designer spectacles soon began to deteriorate until they resembled NHS-issued bin-lids with a worryingly shitty hue. The sex waned, the laughter muted, the previously un-awkward silences soon ring true with the loathsome Tinnitus soundtrack of fledgling hope. Her new job was not the catalyst, dear boy, time is the catalyst. Love is a subjective and unquantifiable investment of time and soul, which can offer only depreciation to the brainwashed feckless investor in question.

Despite the mutual culpability of your futile delusions of long-term unity; my opinion on your quandary in unfortunately divided. And I shall tell you for why;

  1. Firstly, I am tempted to call you a snivelling waste of testicles. Maybe your wife has simply come to the correct conclusion that the laughable husk you call your ‘marriage’ is slippery slope to assisted suicide. And has taken affirmative action by treating you in an increasingly heartless manner, she avoids the unenviable task of having to deal with a crying man as she tells you it’s over.  By treating you in this inhumane manner of serial infidelity, you are surely bound to snap and take ownership of the severance, leaving you a sitting duck for an expensive divorce.
  2. I concede that my responses have been somewhat scathing thus far and the last thing I need is another overdose on my CV so….. PERHAPS, she should respect you as the mutual owner of Benji and father of her children by being honest with you and voicing her feelings rather than getting pooned by any schmuck with a spare seven minutes. Perhaps.

 

At this point I can only imagine you sobbing like a fallen toddler so I will offer my suggestions for how to deal with this, Ralph.

Why not fight fire with fire? Assuming this scenario has not rendered you a sexless incompetent, the one sure method of alleviating your current plight is by offering her a taste of her own sticky medicine. Drag your friends to the nearest Lloyds Bar, sink 10 shots of Jaegermeister and shamelessly pursue any or all of the bulging harlots on offer. Seriously…escorts, prostitutes, single mums at your children’s school, local shopkeepers, Avon ladies, homeless women, all of them. Try. And. Fuck. Each. And. Every. One. Of. Them. At worst, she’ll find out and the marriage will be annulled anyway.

Secondly you could seek mirthful revenge by drive her into a damaging spiral of insanity.

–          Wake her up every morning my screaming obscenities directly into her face then denying all knowledge of the incident. Say she’s ‘being dramatic’.

–          Bombard her life with a myriad of the most upsetting images possible i.e. cute dead animals, graphic colour photographs of frenzied and disturbing sexual practices emblazoned en-masse over typical everyday places she will certainly encounter. (You could try posting them on the roof above her side of the bed so that when she is awoken by your screaming alarm clock, the first thing she is greeted with is a close up digitally enhanced image of an aggressive scat fetish jamboree)

–          Constantly move her belongings and leave them in strange places to instil a fear that she may be losing her mind, then berate her for it. “Jesus, I’ve found your handbag in the oven again. What is the matter with you? I’m serious, this really can’t go on, sort your life out or you’re going the way of old Yeller”.

–          Secretly and subtly stash fetid, rotten foodstuffs about her person to make people begin to question her personal hygiene and undermine her self-worth immeasurably. This would also detract any potential suitors for extra-marital coitus.

Note Ralph, that these are just my suggestions and you must truly plunge the depths of your soul to decipher the most effective and personally damage-limiting methods to address this colossal mess you’ve got yourself in.

Good Luck Ralph!!!

Prickipedia Bill Oddie

 

Bill Oddie is a British presenter, musician, ‘comedian’, ornithologist and interminable excremental smear, most famous for his TV shows ‘The Goodies’ and ‘Spring/Autumn Watch‘, but is perhaps best known for having a face and voice which could infuriate a drugged shaman.

Bilious Herod Oddiowski OBE (Ornithologist Bellend Extraordinaire) was born on 29th February 1940 in Stonehenge in a standard ritualistic Pagan birth. Attending witnesses and well-wishers cite that Oddie began ‘crowning’ at the exact point the sermon master began chanting a medley of racist limericks and demonic incantations.

Parents

He was born to Romany Gypsy parents, Eugene Oddiowski; a well respected Cockfight referee and his reluctant wife and housemaid Tabatha. Tabatha suffered aggravated Bells Palsy but never allowed her affliction hinder a busy and exploited life, single handedly raising 14 children and 7 prized Llama on a budget afforded by collecting change from wishing wells. Oddie has since revealed that his father would  distastefully mock his ailed spouse, regularly referring to her as ‘Hindenburg Head’ in what was an upsetting home life for young Bilious.

Childhood

Oddie was a strange and reclusive child and spent much of his early years studying his reflection in puddles for hours on end whilst gurning incessantly. He had very few friends even within the close-knitted nomadic community in which he resided and his one friend and confidante was a dead, rotting duckling named Ivor which Bilious is said to have killed himself with his  catapult during a typical bout of spasmodic rage.

He was renowned for his animal cruelty amongst the community and there are accounts varying from gassing wasps to throttling a ferret unconscious at a family wedding when aged just 9.

In his early teens, Bill revealed that he had an epiphany which would change the course of his life forever. “It was fucking barmy mate, like a moth in a sun bed” he later told Michael Parkinson during an infamous television appearance. In the incident, during one of his prolonged puddle-staring days, he lost balance, fell face-first into the puddle and began to drown. He claims he would have perished were it not for the intervention of a local heron who nudged him aside to have a drink.

Bill said that his whole life flashed before his eyes and a bearded apparition foretold him that the Final Judgement would call upon his sins and that birds were his messianic saviours, his figurative winged angel-on-earth. “Quite why soppy bollocks didn’t just lift himself out of the puddle, or roll over, or just turn his head is fucking beyond me. Then again, he’s always had the brains of a dog’s bollock, that one” reported the attending Village Practitioner, Dr Grantham Fox.

The incident left Oddie with a profound fear of the afterlife and this newfound benevolence manifested itself in strange affectations. At the age of 16, he threw his bed out of the window and proclaimed from that day forth, he would live from a self-built nest in the corner of his bedroom. Unfortunately, his bold vow was not supported by the requisite cognitive aptitude to build a proficient, nor even a recognisable nest. Often his attempts culminated in Bill stubbornly sleeping atop a pile of broken sticks; and does so to this day. (citation needed).

Dr Fox suggested that this acted only to exacerbate his already bubbling mental decline, “Well just imagine it? Sleeping on a load of sticks all poking into your organs and that. How are you supposed to sleep and keep a level head if you spend 50% of your life with a crooked branch lancing your spleen?”

Early Career

After finally graduating from Orkney Islands University with a BA in Comedic Tomfoolery after 10 years of failed exams and repeated terms, Oddie’s first break in television came after a reported letter to Jimmy Saville in which he bribed the star to use his influence and stature at the BBC to get him his own show. The letter claimed that Oddie would contact to police to inform them that he had been brutally abused by Saville, or as he came to know him, ‘Uncle Stop it’, following an appearance on his ’Jim’ll Fix it’ show aged 31.

Oddie had appeared on the show after asking for Jim to ‘fix it’ for him to do a peregrine falcon handling course and had used his childhood near-death experience as a mewing sob-story. Saville had empathised with Bill and despite his age, agreed to allow him to appear on the show.

This incident only came to light in 1999 when Saville wrote in his autobiography  – Sit on my knee and your dreams will come true‘;

I was fucking livid. I had put my reputation on the line for that bearded tit when I allowed him on the show and how did he repay me? When we met for the show he immediately stripped naked and forced my hand on to his crotch while an accomplice took a picture. He then proceeded to bribe me to get him a show claiming that no-one would believe me as I certainly looked like a rabid sex offender. Against mine, and my lawyer’s better judgement, we agreed he had a point and reluctantly yielded to the pressure arranging for him to have a show commissioned called ‘The Goodies’. I did insist it was on the proviso that we draft in 2 capable co-presenters who could at least make the show vaguely fucking watchable. If I ever see that manipulative little shit ever again I’ll kick him in the liver

Upon release of the book in 1999, Bill Oddie claimed that Saville was ‘a decrepit, moccasin-faced liar who probably can’t remember that he’s still alive, never mind event’s 25 years previous’. Oddie sued Saville for the claims and, in a landmark case, won £142,000 damages with Saville’s book being immediately withdrawn.

With the addition of 2 co-presenters, ‘The Goodies’ became a baffling success and even resulted in a hit single ‘The Funky Gibbon’; believed to be a coded reference to Saville.

Women

The onset of puberty and testosterone surges at the age of 19 added a further dimension to his fragile character; an irksome and dangerous dimension.  His suppressed anger and rage towards animals had found a new outlet through his newfound interest in (human) females. Friends and family have reported that he swiftly became a staunchly misogynist, lustful ogre; later dubbing women as “titted grief receptacles” in an infamous interview with Cosmopolitan Magazine.

These sentiments towards women began mildly in his early twenties, usually resulting in him spending time alone in his bedroom, drawing increasingly demented drawings of naked women with snarling panther’s mouths instead of vaginas.

By his mid-thirties, these quirks had escalated to appalling behaviour towards women. A known womaniser, Oddie has been repeatedly subject to ‘Kiss and Tell’ stories, throughout his life. One conquest, a dyspraxic Zimbabwean Paralympic female wrestler Ekundu Olawe, told The Sun that Oddie would habitually recite Ted Bundy’s prison memoirs during sordid intercourse.

In undoubtedly the most overt example of his chauvinistic persuasion, Oddie is reported to have met his wife during a stag party in Swansea where he lassoed his future spouse with a VIP velvet rope and dragged her back to his Travel Lodge without saying a single word.

Controversy

Never a stranger to controversy, Bill hit the headlines in 1984 for a bizarre incident involving Terry Nutkins. Nutkins was hosting one of his legendary Really Wild Show after-parties when an ambulance was mysteriously called to his Surrey mansion due to an incident quickly shrouded from the swarming press.

After a week of unexplained hermitry, Nutkins finally appeared before the press with a bandaged hand and released a statement announcing that he had lost the tip of his finger in a seemingly implausible story of otter hi jinx. The same day, reports surfacing in the tabloids contained an emerging scandal; a topless waiter serving at the party, known only as Renoir, claimed in the News Of The World that it was in fact Bill Oddie who had been responsible for Nutkins severed digit. The allegation suggested that Oddie and Nutkins had become embroiled in an argument after Oddie had drunkenly defaced a priceless decorative stoat before calling Michaela Strachan a ‘venomous, prehistoric frill-necked  lizard’. Nutkins snapped and lunged at Oddie who – during the ensuing scuffle – removed the stars finger with a fish slice.

Oddie’s management company Oddie Representz Plc quickly moved to deny the allegations and within days, the NOTW had published an apology for ‘inaccuracies’ and Oddie was paid £113,000 damages. Just one week later Renoir committed suicide; asphyxiating himself by lodging a large golf umbrella down his own oesophagus and opened it during his sleep, accordingly to his autopsy report.

Art Attack star Neil Buchanan – a dignitary at Nutkins’ soiree – described in a TV Interview for Newsnight that the media reports on the incident were “fanciful and salacious dredge guffed from the collective bruised riggot of a gaggle of media fauntleroy’s”. A police inquiry was filed on the incident when, during his TV appearance, Buchanan seemed to display  visible trauma to his lips, wrists and temples, cried throughout and was found with a crumpled note reading the exact quote he had provided to reporters, written in Oddies unmistakably mangled handwriting.

Buchanan refused to press charges or admit to any of the claims and was soon admitted to Styal Prison for female offenders after stealing a police car and crashing in to a grit bin, following a period of boozy decline.

Gangster Years

Rumours were rife at this stage of Oddies underworld might. He is alleged to have affiliated himself to a notorious gypsy-catching gang in Kings Lynn known as The Peoples Fist of Norfolk (PFN), being photographed with gang leader known locally as The Ham Dagger (Real name Colin Snodberry) after they met at a dog shooting range in Gaywood, Norfolk.

In an infamous interview with the Observer, Oddie’s now time-ravaged mother furiously lambasted her son for renouncing his traveller roots and associating with vicious gypsy catchers. “If that treacherous little gizoid’s father was still alive he’d turn in his grave. He wouldn’t be in a grave would he? Well, if he was dead he’d turn in his grave..hang on,  he is dead…Look, lets not get bogged down on semantics, I hope the little Judas, chaffinch-fingering, hairy hessian sack of gelatinous disappointment shares solitary confinement in Hell with Liberace. Hang on, it wouldn’t be solitary would it? Oh just get off my fucking doorstep.

It became widely known amongst executive circles at the BBC that Oddie was using his nature programmes as a front to undertake reconnaissance missions for the PFN, strolling around arable countryside under ornithological masquerade ,while in fact hunting and observing travelling gypsies. Despite these fears, no action was taken by the BBC against Oddie amid claims that an influential shareholder in the Beeb was a coveted Gypsy Catcher and known affiliate of the PFN.

Depression and Dependency

In 1997, to allay concerns over increasingly erratic behaviour, Oddies publicist Max Clifford announced that his client had been long been suffering from bi-polar depression and lived on a cocktail of MOAI’s (Monoamine Oxidaze Inhibitors) or as Bill called them, Shouty-Stoppers. However, as with all of his brushes with the press, rumours of a cover up were spreading like wildfire.

The Ipswich Gazette published a story that his depression was being drastically understated as a PR ruse to cover the truth that Oddie, now unappeased by standard mood stabilisers, had become hooked on sucking the potent chemicals from urinal cakes. Within hours the story had spread across the world, reaching headline infamy as far as Tokyo and The Gabon; the scandal becoming irreverently known in the media as ‘Troffgate’.

This was soon followed by pictures in the Sheffield Guardian appearing  to show Oddie, trouserless, rifling though a pub store room in the frantic hunt for more urinal cubes after gorging on them for hours.An onlooker said he was shouting that he was ‘rooting for truffles’  and was ‘giggling like a giddy tit’ before being tenaciously ejected by several regular patrons of the drinking hole. Oddie’s management company released an official statement explaining;

On behalf of Bill Oddie and all of his fans, I would like to condemn both the smutty local rag for printing this bile horrifically out of context, and the braying blue-collar stooge who tried to oink a quick buck from peddling rubberneckers hogwash. The photograph taken of Bill in the cupboard illustrates nothing more than his innate care and almost paternal altruism for birds. When passing to use the restroom, Bill heard the unmistakable cry of an adolescent thrush in peril coming from said cupboard, and was trying desperately to rescue the stricken bird. The other pictures show Bill simply enjoying a large packet of a particular brand of rectangular Gobstopper of which he is extremely partial. “

Just three months later, Oddie was again wracked in controversy after a surreal incident at Bruges airport after a boozy European weekend break. He arrived at the airport for his return flight visibly inebriated, dressed only in a neon Dashiki and carrying what transpired to be a leopards head in a duty free carrier bag. Upon being accosted by airport security Oddie became furious, proclaiming that he was the King of Tiffin and could have each of them beheaded with one phone call (citation needed).  The origins and relevance of the Leopards head was never uncovered despite extensive investigation. Under PFN-lead government pressure, Oddie was swiftly extradited back to the UK where he was immediately released without charge.

Shitting

Oddies career reached an all-time disaster chasm in 1992 when he ‘shat’ himself on stage during a televised live Goodies performance of ‘Funky Gibbon’ on a Top of the Pops special. Half way through the cult number, almost as though unaware of the microphones presence, Oddie squirmed before the startled audience “oh my bastard Christ, batten the hatches, code Brown…no…it’s. ..it’s…yes, its too late” before throwing down the microphone and jogging off stage. He later attributed the episode to an under-poached quail he’d had for breakfast; while tabloid prattle used the mishap to further dramatise his substance dependency.

In similarly recurring theme of circumstance, Oddie launched a lucratively successful defamation of character and libel lawsuit against Heat Magazine, who reported the widely-rumoured claim that Bill had again ‘shat’ himself while presenting a lifetime comedy award to Bradley Walsh at the 2001 BAFTA Awards. Walsh said of the incident “we all fackin’ ‘eard it din’t we? There was a fackin’ roar like a walrus bein’ disembowelled and then a tiddly wink that stripped the enamel off me fackin’ coral reef.”

Personal life

Since 1979 Bill has been ‘happily’ married to El Salavador native Paulina, an extravagant cabaret singer who was born with Kleinfelter’s Syndrome. The couple were embroiled in bitter clashes with the British Psychology Society over their right to marriage after the BPS argued that Paulina’s Syndrome rendered her with an additional xx Chromosome and consequently could not be considered genetically female.

Under this ruling, their relationship was technically defined as ‘gay’ and with homosexuality still considered a mental illness in the psychological diagnostic manual DSM 4, attempts to marry should be vetoed. However, under somewhat acrimonious circumstance, Oddie married his man-darling in an impromptu ceremony in Gretna Green amid claims that a well-respected member of the BPS was a coveted gypsy catcher and known affiliate of the PFN.

They have 2 adopted children; Jose (aged 9); a Nicaraguan albino believed to have been orphaned when both of his parents were murdered by having large golf umbrellas lodged down their respective oesophagus and opened during their sleep, accordingly to autopsy reports. Allegations that Bill was holidaying in the area at the time of the murders have been furiously denied by the Oddie camp.

Their second adopted child, Eugene, named after Oddies father, is a 7 year old Chechnyan feral girl who is believed to been raised by Puffins; brought to Britain after being found by PFN leader Colin Snodberry following a meeting with a Chechnyan faction of the Gypsy Catching fraternity.

The family currently live in a converted former army facility Truro, Devon.