Letter to Madam Tussauds – “I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark”

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Guest Enquiries
Subject: Enquiry

Hi,

I run a youth group for troubled teens in Stockport and I am looking for events to keep the kids engaged and out of trouble.

We are planning a coach trip and one of the kids, Chazmar, has mentioned that she would like to go to Madame Tussauds. She’s quite ‘strong willed’ that one so I want to ensure I placate her.

What is the situation for group bookings?

Also, am I right in thinking you have a Jeremy Kyle model? (are they called models or statues, or what?)

Thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

To take advantage of our group booking rate, please contact our Call Centre who will be only too pleased to assist. The number is on our website.

Yes you are quite right – we do have a model of Jeremy Kyle.

Enjoy your visit!

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Guest Enquiries
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Thanks for the email.

Regarding the Jeremy Kyle model, do you think it would be possible to have him covered up with a sheet or a cloth during our visit? Given the age and ‘social demographic’ of our children, Jeremy Kyle is like the physical embodiment of evil to them. Many of their siblings/family have suffered at the business end of his wrathful treatment on his show.

I just don’t want this to impact on their enjoyment of the day if they unexpectedly see a snarling Kyle while posing for a picture with a playful effigy of David Hasselhoff. Is the Kyle model snarling? Do you have a link to an image of the model by any chance?

Thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

Our model of Jeremy Kyle is in no way ‘snarling’ and if you visit our website you could probably see this is true.

Unfortunately, we could not cover up the model because, as I am sure you can appreciate, there would be many other guests visiting at the same time as your party who would no doubt love to see this model.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Thanks for the email and confirmation of your non-snarling Kyle and I understand your position.

Would there be any room for negotiation that it be possible – for the duration of our visit only – to put an umbrella and a copy of the Racing Post in Jeremy’s hand so I can reassure the children that the model is Claire Balding?

I can then go ahead and confirm the booking and let the children know.

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

I cannot alter the model but you can tell the children whatever you like.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi

How would one mistake Kyle for Balding without a copy of the Racing Post or some well-ironed dungarees?

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

I’m not sure Mark. But I’m afraid I can’t help you.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Ok, there’s no kids group. I just want to come and visit and I’m absolutely petrified of Jeremy Kyle. I believe him to be a shape shifting ghoul.

I’ll give you a tenner if you let me melt it and drink the wax. That way I’ll take on his powers.

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

I don’t think so Mark.


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

But imagine if only we could harness his powers for good?

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

I’m not really sure what you mean, but I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark.


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Fair enough. It does sound odd when you say it like that.

Sorry for the messing around.

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

No problem.

Letter to Apple Inc – ‘Moves like Jagger’ and Paul Danan

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Dear Apple

I’ll be honest and admit that it took me a while to get into Apple products. The more people tell me I should be doing something the less and less likely I’ll do it. I’d like to portray it as being strong-willed but in reality it’s just misguided adolescent rejection of conformity.

If ‘survival of the fittest’ actually mattered to us any more in the practical and literal sense, I’d be first to go; shunning fire and a club because everyone else had them whilst desperately starving and shivering.

Cut a not very long story short, I’m a dick.

Apple has now joined things like The Wire, Twitter and alike that I initially snubbed and shunned before reluctantly throwing myself  balls-deep into them as soon as the petty pretence could last no longer.

I now have a Mac, iPod and an iPhone. You alluring sods, you.

On to the crux of the matter. I now love Apple stuff and I think this unwavering support should be rewarded and I have something I hope you can help with.

I work for a media agency you see and I know this conjures the mental image of an office like in Nathan Barley; people riding round on tricycles shooting each other with cock-shaped Nerf guns while others lazily sprawl across branded beanbags being fellated by interns.

Unfortunately this is not the case (certainly not the blowjob bit) but we do have a radio which in left on a mainstream station to appease most musical tastes. The problem is that I hate the radio, Apple. I hate the radio because it just pumps catchy pop music into my head that I hate to the very core.

How many times in a day can a man hear Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 before it is reasonable to bludgeon everyone you see into a twitching heap with a lump hammer? (Whilst absent mindedly humming David Guetta’s latest electrobile, no doubt).

So in order to save the minds of myself and my colleague Jonny – and potentially the lives of many others – please can we have a free docking station from you with good quality speakers from our corner of the office?

Cheeky, I know, but don’t just dismiss this until you have seen the schedule of music I intend to use these speakers for –

9am-10am Dub/reggae hour to ease us into the morning

10am-midday – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

Midday-2pm – Blues and/or gabba ballads

2pm – 2.15pm – A short burst of slime house and glibcore techno

2.15pm – 4pm – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

4pm – 4.15pm – A short burst of Crispy Rock n Bass / Minotaur Rave

4.15pm – 5pm  – 80s classics

5pm – close Experimental jazz fusion / Charles & Eddie.

I think you can see from my schedule that we are taking this very seriously and that your docking station would be put to very good use.

Can we have one please?

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Mark Jorgensen


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch. We found your proposed music schedule very interesting.

Unfortunately Apple does not manufacture docking stations so we are unable to help you battle your “Moves Like Jagger” frustration.

I might suggest contacting a chosen manufacturer directly to see if they can help you further with your quest for a more pleasant working environment.

Best of luck with your endeavours.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

PR Assistant, Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom  |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Thanks for coming back to me.

I’m glad you enjoyed my music schedule and I have a suggestion. I’m sure you produce some form of device that we could use as our office radio/music player and overcome any more Maroon 5-based noise trauma. (It’s getting serious, I’ve heard it twice today so far). How about you send me a media player of some description and I’ll put together a couple of mix CDs for you of my schedule as indicated below? I’ll daub something adorable on there like Markz Vibez mix for Apple.

It’ll be like a lovely childhood gesture of romance for ones sweetheart, but obviously under the masquerade of a music-based business transaction. Perhaps we could go skipping through fallen leaves together once this has all passed, sharing an earpiece of my headphones each as we listen to the mixtape together? I think the optimum leaf-frolicking soundtrack would be Compliments On Your Kiss by Red Dragon. Thoughts?

What do you reckon about my proposal anyway? Any help would be much appreciated. If it will help solidify my case, Buggin’ by Dane Bowers is currently blasting out over the other side of the office. On a Monday morning. There is no scenario I can envisage that it would be acceptable to play Buggin’ by Dane Bowers. If I could hand pick the worst, then an office Monday morning  would be third only to a funeral and during romantic coitus.

Many thanks

Mark


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your mixtape proposition and your enthusiasm for Apple products.

As you can imagine, we get a great many requests for assistance, not all of which we are able to support.
Regretfully, at this time, we are unable to assist your request for an iPod.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

I understand your position, thank you for the consideration.

Having reached a bit of an impasse, I sense the opportunity to barter. My tenacity is partially fuelled by the fact that this afternoon I have laboured to concentrate over a UK garage compilation. And not the good kind of UK garage either, like DJ Luck and MC Neat. I’m talking dreadful UK Garage ‘mash ups’ that sound like a drum machine, a keyboard and a peripherally ‘urban’ Eastenders character put through a tumbledryer.

How about a discount voucher to be redeemed in an Apple store? In exchange, I am willing to throw in a limited edition signed copy of Marks Vibez vol 1, and Marks Slow Jamz, completely free. You’ll notice my cunning use of ‘z’ instead of ‘s’ in the naming of my mixtapes. I think you’ll agree this subtle touch denotes the very essence of cool.

Many thanks

M


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch again.

Unfortunately we do not have any discounts available.

Apologies I cannot help you further.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

M


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Ok, I’ll just get one from Cash Converters. Thanks anyway.

I realise I may have been a bit of a nuisance, so please find attached an official (and trademarked) movie poster for a new film I’m writing.  Its a remake of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ starring Paul Danan. I’ve often likened Paul Danan to Christ. You probably can’t tell but I actually did this freehand on Paint.

You can keep this.

However, please keep this under your hat though as I’m yet to contact Paul about it.

Thanks

M


Letter to Walkers Crisps – battered by a crisp-daft Frenchman


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: consumer@walkers.co.uk
Subject: Walkers Crinkles

Dear Walkers,

Firstly I’d like to offer my congratulations on your longstanding excellence in the crisp game. Your salt and vinegar flavour has been my crisp of choice for as long as I can remember. They have added a sumptuous sandwich-enhancing crunch to many a lunchtime throughout the years.

However, I would like to raise an issue of immense concern. I’m not talking about the continued use of jug-eared smug merchant Linekar in your condescending television adverts (that meerkat makes Gary look like fucking Shaft so you’re excused by proxy), nor am I talking about the ‘zany’ Cajun squirrel farrago.

My issue concerns the attached photograph of a packet of your recent ‘crinkles’ range.

The keen-eyed amongst you may be able to just about make out the tiny island of crinkled crisps bashfully nestled amongst a vast expanse of foil wrapper.

I have long been interested in some of the more colourful collective nouns for various things, notably a romp of otters, a business of ferrets, a glob of Austrians, a git of bishops or a funk of vegans. This is, however, what I can only describe as a fuck you of crisps.

Please excuse my rather coarse language but that is earnestly the impression I got from this purchase. An insult. I’m a passionate man particularly when it comes to crisps. I remember once a French exchange student tried to tell me the puerile Pom Bear is a vastly superior crisp to Walkers. I defended your honour with what I can only describe as a devastatingly executed ‘bitchslap’. I’m not proud of my actions, my mother was furious and being about 4 years older than me, the crisp-daft Frenchman gave me a beating of unforgettable magnitude. But on principle, I stand by my convictions.

Despite my foolhardy defense of our fine British crispmaking heritage, the night I received the above it felt like the vast Walkers Corporation were some ghoulish Fagan-like character, flinging a thimble full of gruel in my general direction for having the audacity to pay 70p for a beloved snack. (Before retiring to his private chambers with a gaggle of impressionably young cockney pickpockets).

Thankfully, this was in a bar where my motive for the crisps was simply to mop up alcohol, but next time I may not be so lucky. If this was a lunchtime treat, I very much doubt whether this meagre amount of crisps would have been sufficient to fill even the most conservatively sized sandwich.

This isn’t to detract from their quality -the crisps themselves were delicious. The crinkled crisp has often been a huge favourite of mine due to the explosive pockets of flavour encased within the grooves of each crisp. McCoys have typically dominated this market since the demise of the once-loved Frisp, but yours are up there.

Quality is usually better than quantity in most walks of life but in crisps, a carefully observed balance is pivotal.

Take Discos for example. Their salt and vinegar range are delicious, but they might as well just put a small photograph of one crisp lazily dusted with flavouring. (Don’t even get me started on their so-called larger ‘Grab Bags’).

Again, it is with great regret that I contact you in this manner, as I am a staunch advocate of your brand, but I feel I must vent my crispy disgust at this atrocity.

I would therefore like to request the following –

–       An explanation of the quality control policies of your crinkle range.

–       Remuneration of the 70p I paid for the crisps.

–       A personalised apology from one of your brand ambassadors. i.e. Linekar, Lionel Ritchie or, preferably, a signed photograph of Charlotte Church nakedly frolicking in a bath of crisps like a sexy Scrooge     McDuck.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Mark Jorgensen


From: thurmaston.consumer@pepsico.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Dear Mark

Thank you for your recent emails regarding your purchase of Walkers Crinkles. I am really sorry that it has taken so long for us to get back to you.

It’s really disappointing for us to learn that your Crinkles packet contained few crisps – all of our packets are filled to weight, and hence this packet should have topped 32g.

Sadly, without the pack coding, it is very difficult to fully investigate the nature of this complaint but we do appreciate that your purchase was not of the quality you’d expect from us. We have therefore, noted your feedback on this particular pack for our Plant Teams to review as part of their ongoing quality evaluations.

I do hope that you have no further concerns with any of our products, however, should this not be the case, we would appreciate your help in sending the unsatisfactory product back to us at the following Freepost address or please do not hesitate to call us on our freephone number 0800 274777.

WALKERS SNACK FOODS LIMITED
CUSTOMER SERVICES DEPARTMENT
FREEPOST LE4918
LEICESTER
LE4 5ZY

In the meantime, if you would like to let me have your full postal address I will be more than happy to send you out some Walkers vouchers, with my compliments (unfortunately the photograph of the lovely Charlotte Church isn’t so easy for me to arrange)

I look forward to hearing from you

Regards

Sue
Customer Services


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: consumer@walkers.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Hi Sue,
Thank you for the email and I accept your sincere apologies for the delay. I apologise for sending a secondary email, I can be a little impatient at times and I am trying to make sure I address this. But as my brother once said as a child impishly awaiting Christmas morning “if I’m patient I can’t have it NOW”.

I’m pleased that you will take on my feedback, I would be loathed to think that collectively we couldn’t use this tragedy which has befallen me to ensure that no one else will suffer a palty crisp fiasco in the future. If your Plant Team do require any feedback/input regarding the quality procedures then I would be happy to offer this on a consultancy basis in exchange for either Charlotte Church, or a nominal fee of a pre-agreed quantity of crisps. Let me know anyway.

Thank you for your very kind offer of some vouchers (and your compliments, naturally), my address is –

Flat 3
XXXX

XXXX

XXX

Is there any room for negotiation on the Charlotte Church thing? I could contact her and request the picture and say that you said it was ok?

Crispy wishes,

Mark Jorgensen


From: thurmaston.consumer@pepsico.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Dear Mark

Thank you for your recent email reply and for providing me with your address details.

I will be popping some Walkers vouchers into the post for you this evening – the amount of these will lend themselves more to be spent in a supermarket (maybe for a few multipacks of Crinkles?)

Spend them as you see fit and enjoy 🙂

Regards

Sue

Customer Services

P.s Incidentally the dictionary definition of impatience reads ‘intolerance of anything that thwarts, delays, or hinders’ – so not always a bad trait.

And still no luck with Charlotte.

Manchester City Council – Oversight of the Twelfth Night

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: contact@manchester.gov.uk
Subject: A concerned citizen

Dear Manchester City Council,

I hope you’re all doing well at the council and may I take the time to wish you all a (belated) happy new year. I think all in all 2011 was a testing year not just yourselves but for the public sector in general so I’m sure you’re not too sad to see the back of it.

Unfortunately I have noticed a glaring oversight which I think could be the catalyst to a less than auspicious start to 2012; you have left the Christmas decorations up all over the city. Beyond the 6th of January!!!! Are you MAD? At the time of writing it is the 16th January and they are still there. 10 DAYS!!!

I was wandering around the city the other day and I couldn’t help but notice that on every lamp post the Christmas decorations still hang lonely and unilluminated, like drunken ‘trophy steals’ from a garden centre displayed proudly around a student flat. I am staggered that you would jeopardise the fortune, and consequently the safety, of the patrons of this city.

I’m not exactly a superstitious person. I do have a couple of quirks that I will only ever walk down-wind and habitually recite the nine times table aloud during coitus (but that’s more of a rhythm thing really). However, it’s well documented – far beyond preposterous pagan hokem – that failure to remove Christmas decorations on the 6th January (The Twelfth night) can yield catastrophic bad luck. Bad luck you have now seemingly consigned the whole city to.

I think even an idle glance at the facts would suggest so…

– The Howling Hilton. If that is not a harbinger of impending doom of some sort then I don’t know what is.

–  The complete lack of snow. An offshoot of global warming, normal weather cycles or something altogether more sinister? The latter, I would assume.

–  Look at the news….stabbing this, storms that, financial meltdown the other…coincidence?

– The ghost of Paul Scholes brazenly haunting Old Trafford.

–   I tripped on a curb and hit my head on the rear flank of a Ford Mondeo on Monday.

…what next?

I would like to know the council’s official stance on this matter. I think at the very least there should be a public apology and immediate withdrawal of all decorations before we all end up going feral and smashing each other’s craniums apart with sticks and dog bones.

Yours concerned,

Mark Jorgensen


To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Fw: A concerned citizen
From: contact@manchester.gov.uk

Thank you for your email and your enquiry regarding the festive lighting.

Following Christmas, we aim to have all the decorations switched off by 6th
January, and then the contractors start to remove them following that date.
Given the geographic extent of the scheme and the requirement to minimise
disruption to existing city centre operations – this process normally takes
between 7 and 10 days – and has never been achieved in a single night, so
I’m confident that we are not invoking bad luck upon the city despite the
worrying omens that you cite.

They are taken down from the core area – Albert Square – and outwards. The
periods of high winds in the past weeks hasn’t helped this process this
year, as the equipment used to take down the decorations cannot be operated
in these conditions and it has put the contractors back, however all
decorations should be removed by the end of this week.

I hope this helps with your enquiry.

Kind regards.

> Karen Connell
> Events Unit
> Chief Executive’s Dept
> Manchester City Council
> Desk 012, 5th Floor, Number One First Street
> Manchester
> M15 4FN (for satellite navigation use M1 5DE)
> Please note postal address remains:
> PO Box 532, Town Hall, Manchester, M60 2LA
> for directions to First Street go to:
> http://www.manchester.gov.uk/firststreet
>

> email: k.connell@manchester.gov.uk
> website address: http://www.manchester.gov.uk