BT Complaint Round 2 – Come At Me Bro!

*I again copied in the CEO*


Dear BT,

Recently, you and I had a bit of a bicker, which you can read here. You did some things (like over charge me for years for a service you weren’t properly providing). I said some things (like you chew with your mouth open and you are worse than environMENTALIST pelican botherers BP). Then we cleared the air. It was all left behind us and we could move on, linking hands and skipping merrily across a meadow together.

Or so I thought. Since the technical issues at your side were fixed, and the billing issues at your side were apparently addressed, it transpires you have been charging me nearly 300% our agreed amount for absolutely no reason at all. In a series of complaints, I have been told 3 completely separate baffling technical reasons why this has happened, 3 different baffling technical ways to resolve it.

The one thing not one person has said is “Sorry about that sir, what a cock up. It’s some technical issue on our side I won’t bore you with the details, we’ll fix it and refund you immediately!”

I’m going to outline a hypothetical customer journey with BT.

Imagine you suddenly discover that your internet provider has, out of nowhere, changed you £100 per month instead of the £40 flat fee you’ve agreed in writing following a relatively high level complaint.

I’m going to skip the initial automated answering merry-go-round in the interests of brevity.

Call 1

So what seems to be the problem sir?

You have randomly taken £100 out of my account instead of the agreed £40 for the last two months?

I see. Let’s have a look. Ah yes, I can see this relates to a glitch about the billing cycle you use. It’s not a problem.

Well it is a problem.

No, you see, what’s happened is, your type of account can sometimes be subject to something we call a MOSW, which is a Money Out Snatch Whim, it relates to estimates on how you hold the hand set when you make phone calls.

I’ve told you as an organisation approximately 50 times that I don’t make phone calls. The phone line is for the broadband

That’s why we estimate, you see.

That doesn’t make any sense. Please change my bill and refund the error.

Hmmmm, I’m not sure we can do that on this bill method.

I don’t care what bill method you use, that’s your problem. You are charging more than we agreed.

I will have to call you back tomorrow if that’s ok sir?



Call 2 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling in relation to your complaint about the error with your phone connection?


That is not what our notes say, sir.


*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

Oh that is a pickle sir, let’s have a look. I think I’ve spotted the problem. The reason you’ve been charged extra is due to a billing estimation based on heavy broadband.

Heavy broadband?

Yes it’s not a problem, it’s quite common.

It is a problem.

No, you see sir, what happens is, sometimes the internet we provide is subject to surges in electromagnetic fields around the globe. This can make some of the internet that we provide you extremely heavy and therefore costs a little extra. As you can imagine, there is little way for us to tell which of the internet is heavy, so this is estimated based on the weight of your previous usage.

I don’t know what any of that means. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I have a flat fee, for unlimited broadband with no usage-based charges.  

Hmmm, that is strange. Are you a Leo?


Sometimes there can be astrological issues which can cause billing glitches.

I don’t care about the reasons. I pay £40, not £100. Fix it, and refund me.

Hmmm, I’ll have to look into it and call you back. Call I call you tomorrow?


Call 3 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling about the replacement broadband hub you’ve requested?


There’s no need to be quite so angry sir.

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

That is not what our notes say sir, but I know what the problem is. I’ve seen this before. You see, the billing cycle you are on can sometimes be subject to anomaly known as ‘the ghost of broadband past’. This is basically a semi-fictional gelatinous blob of unpaid bills from around the world which have banded together and erroneously travel around our customer records searching for their rightful home. It can cause billing fluctuations. It’s not a problem.


Hmmm, are you left handed sir?


You see, on the billing cycle you use, you can….


I have exaggerated for illustrative purposes, but genuinely it’s not that far off.

Thought I’d give you feedback. There is a very helpful guy called Carl XXXX who has been assisting with this hopefully it will be resolved today with a full refund. Gary XXXX was as helpful as an erection in church FYI.

If the issue is not rectified and monies refunded within a day or two, I will cancel my account and all future payments with my bank, as you clearly cannot be trusted with billing me.  You could feel free to send me future paper bills through the post, but *SPOILER ALERT*……………I will not be paying them. You’d be more than welcome to pursue this in a small claims court as any objective analysis of this situation would side with me.

In summary:

come at me bro

I hope it doesn’t come to that.


M x


From: Carl XXX
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: VOL012-101408173010

Hello Mr Jorgensen

Just to tie up the loose ends following our conversation yesterday. I’ve actioned the ex gratia £60.00 credit to your account and it’s now on its way to your bank account. This should be with you within 5 working days.

Just to break the figures down. £51.41 was the original overpayment shown on your account. £50.00 was refunded yesterday – my fiscal limit and the remaining discussed £10.00 earlier today.

The total refund is £111.41.

You’ll get a text confirmation of a date change shortly to ensure that effective from the April bill, we take payment purely for your rental charges each month on or after the 26th of each month.

Thank you for the opportunity to resolve matters to your satisfaction.


BT Customer Resolutions


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Carl XXX
Subject: Re: VOL012-101408173010

Fabulous. Thanks Carl.

Appreciate your help on this.



Complaint to BT: MY Invoice

*It’s important to note that with this email I copied in the personal email of Joe Garner, CEO of BT Openreach/Broadband*

Dear BT,

Usually when I complain to companies, I have a pretty regimented structure which goes thusly:

  1. Intro with a compliment to gain trust
  2. Some form of ridiculous whimsy or other
  3. Then the crux of my issue, interspersed with whimsy
  4. Some more (underhand) compliments
  5. Some more whimsy
  6. A mad cap demand

Not necessarily a blue print for a complaint letter, but it works for me.

The problem is that every time I sit to write to BT, you aggravate me so much that I get overcome with dormant APE RAGE and can barely type three words before mashing the keypad and screeching like a baboon with a fire ant in its anus.

So rather than being disingenuous and trying to keep to this format, I’m simply going to list my grievances, with the odd generic insult thrown in to lighten the mood:

  1. My internet doesn’t work properly and, in a way, never really has.
  2. My internet cuts off intermittently
  3. You voted for UKIP
  4. BT can’t fix any technical problems
  5. You don’t have bilateral symmetry
  6. BT seem relatively disinterested in technical faults
  7. BT cannot follow very, very simple billing instructions
  8. The ultrasound of your baby looks like an electric frog
  9. Nobody at BT has any comprehension that as a customer, I have no knowledge or interest in the organisational structure of your company
  10. Your overseas call centres – which generally I have no problem with whatsoever – seem to be full of people who can only speak the English words on the script in front of them. Phonetically.
  11. You don’t pronounce the word cavalry correctly
  12. Upon querying my billing amount, you have been over-billing me by approximately £15 per month for the last year. Maybe two. The rate I’ve been on is overpriced and particularly for services I don’t need and the ones I do don’t work.
  13. You are the worst company prefixed with ‘British’, and BP killed all those swans with petrol or whatever.
  14. Any query results in being passed to several departments and having to re-explain the issue to several different people who don’t give a solitary shit.
  15. You attract spiders
  16. The additions include several telephone-oriented ‘bolt on’ services you have added despite me repeatedly telling you I don’t use a home phone. The line is for the internet only.
  17. You are delighted by the plight of endangered animals.
  18. I never get a call back when I request one
  19. In relation to point 7, I asked for my billing date to be changed, anticipating some moving around of money in accounts, you assured me this was done.
  20. In relation to the above, you didn’t change and I was cut off immediately
  21. You chew with your mouth open.

Paying particular attention to points 1, 2, 4, 5, 12, 14, 21 and an addendum of the fact that I’ve been paying for high speed internet, yet your engineers tell me I’ve been getting roughly a quarter of the speed I pay for, I am at the end of a very long shit-smeared tether of incompetence.

Back to a list, here is what we’re going to do

  1. I have attached an invoice for the overbilling, which if we do the math(s):

A conservative guess on timescales of this would be around 12 months.

So 12 x £15 =£180* 

*Please note that this is extremely conservative as it does not include the additional charges I have incurred from my mobile phone provider for overusing 4G when my wireless regularly doesn’t work.

This invoice must be paid into the bank account details on the invoice within 30 days with a payment reference of WEPROBABLYKILLEDJESUSTOO.

I will consider a counter offer.

  1. An engineer must unequivocally repair my internet within 7 days.

(This is attempt number 6 to get this so, for reference

RE-PAIR, verb

restore (something damaged, faulty, or worn) to a good condition.

“faulty electrical appliances should be repaired by an electrician”)

  1. An apology in the form of a limerick.

Failure to adhere to these points will result in the immediate cancellation of all BT services and the passing of owed monies to a collections team.





*A phone call followed*


To: MarkJorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your time today.

As we discussed I have refunded the incorrect charges on your bills over the last 12 months.

I have removed the caller display service, Broadband Talk and arranged for the BT Sports to be free for another 12 months. Please see the below breakdown of these charges refunded

·         April 2014 -Broadband Talk=  £17.95

·         July 2014 -Broadband talk = £10.50

·         October 2014 -Broadband talk= £10.50

·         October 2013- Caller display =£6.00

·         April 2014 -Caller display = £5.25

·         July 2014-  Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014-Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014- BT SPORTS- £2.00

Total refund= £61.95

Due to the excess usage charges you received when you first joined BT for broadband I have agreed to refund £38.05 towards this cost, the total refund calculated is £100.00 this will be sent you via cheque in the next 10 working days.

In relation to your broadband issues this has been passed to BT’s high level escalation team, as soon I receive any further knows I will keep you informed.

If BT are able to resolve the broadband speed and drop in service I will look at adding a new broadband contract to your account which will result in a cheaper package. I don’t want to make any changes to your account though until you are happy with the level of service you are receiving.

I will check the progress of your broadband on Friday and give you a call, but if you need anything in the meantime please give me a call or drop me an email.

Best Wishes


Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist

Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ
Registered in England no. 1800000

From: Mark Jorgy

Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

This is great Nicola, thanks a lot for your help.

Any chance of that limerick?




To: Mark Jorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

You are very welcome,

Hahaha I am not sure my limerick skills are up much Mark, especially with the last essay.  J

Best Wishes


Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist


Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ

From: Mark Jorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

There was a young lady called Nicol-
-a girl who helped Mark in a pickle
She gave him some cash,
They still had a laugh,
But she respectfully bowed out of a riddle


Complaint email to BT

To whom it may concern at BT,

I trust this email finds you well. Unfortunately, this is where my pleasantries must cease. I am not usually a confrontational person so it is with regret that I contact you in such a manner. Last night whilst contacting BT trying to solve a quandary with my BT homehub broadband service I was reduced to angrily pacing around my flat shouting and swearing like a Milwall supporter with tourettes syndrome.

To provide a bit of background as to how out of character this is, I’d like to regale a short story to you. A couple of years back, in the height of a particularly clement British summertime, I was unexpectedly stung by a bee whilst dancing around my room to some mild commercial reggae. Chaka Demus and Pliers, if memory serves.

After the initial shock, I was hit with surge of anger which left me wanting to smash the offending bee into a sticky twitching clump with a nearby copy of the metro, but having picked up the paper, I was suddenly hit with a pang of conscience. I recalled the fact that once a bee has administered its sting, its entrails and vital organs are torn away from their housing and the bee is left to die. Despite the pain I was suffering, I didn’t want to deprive the bee of a respectful death and consequently guided it out of the window with a glass and a piece of cardboard to afford this sentient creature the chance of a peaceful death in its chosen surroundings.

I’ve since discovered via the quiz show QI that only one species of the several indigenous to the UK actually die after administering the sting. It probably wasn’t dying and so perhaps I should have killed it. But, even so, I’m still quietly glad that I didn’t. I don’t know if insects bleed, as such, but there is no bee plasma on my hands.

The only reason I told you that story is to explain that I am not the kind of person to lose my temper at the drop of a hat. So for BT to reduce me to an obscene screeching gargoyle, the circumstances must have been rather severe.

I’ll give you some background. After idle research into broadband providers, my flatmate ordered the BT homehub service on somewhat of an arbitrary whim. Of all broadband providers, BT’s name, arguably alongside Sky and perhaps Virgin (i’ve no time for Murdoch or Branson), seemed the standout provider so she felt in the heat of the moment that it would be a safe bet.

And thus our hub arrived. Having spent the previous few months desperately trying to beg, steal or borrow any form of connectivity in an age so dependent on the internet, I was delighted to have finally cast our flat free of our Luddite existence and into the 21st century.

The dizzy world of the internet was suddenly at my excited fingertips. Whether my desire was to view videos of a fat Korean boy breakdancing on YouTube, or the rather more murky worlds of Brazilian cake-farting or Japanese Bukkake porn, I could finally surf the net as I pleased.

Suddenly, I received a bill for my first month’s usage; £42. For one month. As it transpires, the tariff we’d been placed upon meant that we had a download limit of 20GB, and were charged £1 for every GB thereafter. I’ve discussed this with my flatmate and I’m not going to debate whether the BT sales department had communicated this at the point of sale, but I suspect not.

I looked online and realised for just over half of what I was paying with you, I could have unlimited broadband with a faster speed complete with Sky TV. Nevertheless, I thought, it may cost a lot, but at least I have the internet. Plus we were contracted anyway.

A few months elapsed without incident. Costly, but without incident.

Then, I was unfortunate enough to be the subject of debit card fraud, with some pilfering scoundrel snaffling every penny from my account the day after pay day before any of my direct debits were due to come out. Naturally, all payments bounced yet I solved the problem with my rent, utility bills and mobile phone without any problem as they all empathised with my situation. BT disconnected my line and demanded I paid a reconnection fee once the outstanding fees were settled.

I finally managed to get this fee quashed after a series of heated and expensive phonecalls. Yet I seem to recall the tone of the supervisor I’d spoken to being very much that they had afforded me a philanthropic olive branch of such magnitude, that any future payment indiscretions would result in me being brought before an omnipotent panel of BT directors to explain why I’d had the gall to treat British Telecom in such a manner.

Additionally, I must also point out that the process of both disconnecting my line, and contacting me to demand monies was extremely efficiently and quickly administered.

Fast forward to 17th January 2011. ‘Blue Monday’, as it was dubbed by the British media as the most depressing day on the calendar. I’d had rather a frustrating day at work, not to mention the raging hangover I was suffering from a weekend of drinking cheap supermarket cider, I arrived home looking forward to laying in bed and browsing internet pornography at my leisure.

It’s important to note that for the month preceding, the performance of my homehub had begun to resemble a wheezing, emphasemic child with rickets competing in the 110m hurdles, cutting out every fifteen minutes.

But this night, on Blue Monday, it finally collapsed.

Frustrated, I contacted BT and after 15 minutes of holding, I was put through to the contact centre in where I suspect to be India. Now, I have been party to several arguments about overseas call centres in the past as I’ve always seen it as an excuse for people to vent snobbery and casual racism. I’m pleased to say that your counterparts in India were charming and, unfortunately, shackled by the ineptitude and bureaucracy of British Telecom. Their dealing with my complaint, obsequious as it was, showed genuine altruism and I could sense the embarrassment that they were as pissed off with BT as I was.

I got extremely angered during the call, not through the dealings of the operator, but through BT’s casual stance of ‘there may be some sort of problem with the line so we’ll probably have to have a look into it and come back to you’. I explained that due to a number of commitments for which I am bound (not porn, this time), I desperately need internet access every evening. He said they would call me back at 12.30 the next day once remote diagnostics had been done. I was called at 1.30 saying that the problem had been fixed and they’d call me at a convenient time when I was at home to confirm so we agreed 6pm.

At 7pm, with the broadband still not working I called and, after being on hold for 25 minutes, (I’d also suggest a more uplifting hold music to be interspersed with hollow apologies and assurances of my importance, maybe ‘No Letting Go by Wayne Wonder. It’s a shit song but its the one I feel best incorporates the scenario in hand), I was given assurances that BT will endeavour to perhaps get an engineer out to me tomorrow, if it’s convenient. Which it isn’t as, surprisingly, I’ll be at work. I asked if we could predetermine a time so I can ensure that I could come back on my lunch hour to let the engineer in. “(sigh), I’m sorry sir, but the best we can offer is some time between 1pm-6pm” replied your Indian counterpart.

Deciding to seize the ‘bull by the horns’, I respectfully requested to speak to the supervisor. In a surreal turn of circumstance, the operator informed me that there is a strict BT protocol for which someone can be put through to a line manager, and my situation was “not severe enough to warrant a manager” as I’d only reported the problem 24 hours earlier.

This was the point that I suffered a flashback like that lad from the Bourne trilogy, albeit less dramatic, and was cast back to the moment that stripy-arsed bastard stung me those years before and with a surge of adrenaline, I unleashed a tirade of fury befitting of Gordon Ramsey trying to manage the kitchen at your average Little Chef. And for this, I am not proud, but I found it interesting that my circumstance suddenly transformed to being severe enough for a supervisor to issue me the divine honour of His presence.

Perhaps, my unabated and deep-seeded subconscious vengeance of letting that bee, masquerading as a kamikaze attacker, out of my window manifested in my angry outburst toward your operator and emotion got the better of me.

Still, despite our 20 minute conversation reiterating my discontent, an engineer may be here tomorrow, perhaps between 1pm-6pm, probably GMT.

I don’t know what I’m expecting by writing this correspondence to you, but I look forward to receiving the thoughts of BT, should my circumstance be deemed ‘severe’ enough to warrant a response of course.

Please bear in mind that my contract is shortly up for renewal, so it would take a gesture of astounding proportion for me to renew with BT for the next year, so I implore you to consider your response diligently.

Hysterical regards,

Mark Jorgensen