An SOS from Barclays Bank

Listen, I don’t want to brag, but none other than Barclays Plc reached out to little ol’ Jorgy asking for advice on how to run their business.

They called it a ‘customer survey’, clearly to save face, but we all know what this was. After The Panther’s dealings with them, I think we’ve earned a mutual respect, and that’s evidently caught the attention of their board, who came crawling for help.

Not to give away all of our collaborative growth strategy, I’ll share some of my insight as a thought starter if you too are a fledgling bank seeking help.

You’re welcome.

Barclays 1

Barclays 3Barclays 2Barclays 4Barclays 5Barclays 6

Complaint to Cadburys – Goldless Wispa and Peter Gabriel



For reference, you can always find any UK CEO’s email address on this website, helps for being a prick.

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold

Hi Cadbury

As you can tell from the George Michael reference in the heading, I’m a bit of a ‘muso’.
If you asked anyone who knows me what I like most in the world, they’d likely be torn between picking eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, or listening to a cracking tune.

Not Kevin, actually. He’d probably say powdering my vagina while watching Twilight or something equally puerile but he’s a cretin, don’t listen to a word.

When I’m not eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I spend the rest of my waking life with a song stuck in my head. Sometimes this is great, and I can gently bogal about my day.

Unfortunately, the rest of the time is like being in a mental disco prison with a cretin like fucking Kevin in control of the jukebox in your thinker.

For example, I spent three days with the theme tune of Men Behaving Badly on perpetual loop. It’s like Guantanamo I’d have thought, but more Martin Clunesy.

Luckily, when I’m not enjoying a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I’ve come up with a system.

If you sing Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel in your head, it immediately replaces any clingy mind stinkers. And who doesn’t like Sledgehammer? You’re welcome.

I digress, the other day, I bought a delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar at work, then eagerly scampered back to my desk mentally singing “I’ve got a Wispa Gold bar” along to the tune of I’ve Got A Golden Ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I didn’t even want to revert to the Sledgehammer Protocol (trademark pending) due to my excitement about the imminent delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar.

Charlie got a golden ticket befitting of the beaming ditty, I got a hollow Wispa Gold bar which made my version an ironic jarring jingle. On a Monday too. That one event made my Monday about 9 times Mondayer.

As I say, I love a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar as much as the next man, but this has made my brand loyalty take a significant wobble, bordering on a bellyflop into a piss drenched canyon.

How do we fix this?

I can’t imagine life without being able to enjoy a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, but I am petty enough to revert to Galaxy on principle, the “is Pepsi Ok?” of chocolate.

I’ve sent a copy of this to your CEO Mary Barnard via her publicly available email as you will only accept contact via online form.

I look forward to a resolution,

Mark x

From: Mondelez International Consumer Service
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold


Dear Mark

Thank you for contacting us regarding the problem you had with Cadbury Wispa Gold.

In order that we can correctly process your complaint, we require a little more information about the product. If you still have the packaging, could you please provide the following information: the full product description and weight of the product, the best before date and the batch/lot code (located near the best before date, beginning with three letters).

Also if you could please provide your full name, postal address and contact telephone number.

I am sorry you have cause to complain; as soon as we receive this information we can investigate this matter further for you.

Thank you for your patience and co-operation and we apologise for any inconvenience.


Consumer Conversations Consultant


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold


My address is:



OBO0E63272 is that weird number

Best before: 16.05.17

I haven’t weighed the product as I lack the requisite chocolate weighing equipment, and it would also be weird, bordering on psychopathic if I had happened to weigh a chocolate bar before eating it, but I trust this is enough info.

Consumer Conversations Consultant

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
CC: Irene Rosenfeld
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold
It’s been two weeks with no contact or correspondence. Did you ask for my address to send me something or was it just really, really poorly timed data collection?
Just looping in Mondelez CEO Irene Rosenfeld to see if that helps.
Ta la


From: Mondelez International Consumer Service
To: Mark Jorgensen
CC: Irene Rosenfeld
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold

Dear Mark,

We are extremely sorry It has taking so long to get back to you. We have now issued you an apology letter for the original issue and for the delay in getting this response to you. This letter includes a voucher to put towards any of our products and should be with you in the next 7-10 working days.

Again we are sorry this process has taking so long.

Kind regards,



BT Complaint Round 2 – Come At Me Bro!

*I again copied in the CEO*


Dear BT,

Recently, you and I had a bit of a bicker, which you can read here. You did some things (like over charge me for years for a service you weren’t properly providing). I said some things (like you chew with your mouth open and you are worse than environMENTALIST pelican botherers BP). Then we cleared the air. It was all left behind us and we could move on, linking hands and skipping merrily across a meadow together.

Or so I thought. Since the technical issues at your side were fixed, and the billing issues at your side were apparently addressed, it transpires you have been charging me nearly 300% our agreed amount for absolutely no reason at all. In a series of complaints, I have been told 3 completely separate baffling technical reasons why this has happened, 3 different baffling technical ways to resolve it.

The one thing not one person has said is “Sorry about that sir, what a cock up. It’s some technical issue on our side I won’t bore you with the details, we’ll fix it and refund you immediately!”

I’m going to outline a hypothetical customer journey with BT.

Imagine you suddenly discover that your internet provider has, out of nowhere, changed you £100 per month instead of the £40 flat fee you’ve agreed in writing following a relatively high level complaint.

I’m going to skip the initial automated answering merry-go-round in the interests of brevity.

Call 1

So what seems to be the problem sir?

You have randomly taken £100 out of my account instead of the agreed £40 for the last two months?

I see. Let’s have a look. Ah yes, I can see this relates to a glitch about the billing cycle you use. It’s not a problem.

Well it is a problem.

No, you see, what’s happened is, your type of account can sometimes be subject to something we call a MOSW, which is a Money Out Snatch Whim, it relates to estimates on how you hold the hand set when you make phone calls.

I’ve told you as an organisation approximately 50 times that I don’t make phone calls. The phone line is for the broadband

That’s why we estimate, you see.

That doesn’t make any sense. Please change my bill and refund the error.

Hmmmm, I’m not sure we can do that on this bill method.

I don’t care what bill method you use, that’s your problem. You are charging more than we agreed.

I will have to call you back tomorrow if that’s ok sir?



Call 2 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling in relation to your complaint about the error with your phone connection?


That is not what our notes say, sir.


*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

Oh that is a pickle sir, let’s have a look. I think I’ve spotted the problem. The reason you’ve been charged extra is due to a billing estimation based on heavy broadband.

Heavy broadband?

Yes it’s not a problem, it’s quite common.

It is a problem.

No, you see sir, what happens is, sometimes the internet we provide is subject to surges in electromagnetic fields around the globe. This can make some of the internet that we provide you extremely heavy and therefore costs a little extra. As you can imagine, there is little way for us to tell which of the internet is heavy, so this is estimated based on the weight of your previous usage.

I don’t know what any of that means. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I have a flat fee, for unlimited broadband with no usage-based charges.  

Hmmm, that is strange. Are you a Leo?


Sometimes there can be astrological issues which can cause billing glitches.

I don’t care about the reasons. I pay £40, not £100. Fix it, and refund me.

Hmmm, I’ll have to look into it and call you back. Call I call you tomorrow?


Call 3 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling about the replacement broadband hub you’ve requested?


There’s no need to be quite so angry sir.

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

That is not what our notes say sir, but I know what the problem is. I’ve seen this before. You see, the billing cycle you are on can sometimes be subject to anomaly known as ‘the ghost of broadband past’. This is basically a semi-fictional gelatinous blob of unpaid bills from around the world which have banded together and erroneously travel around our customer records searching for their rightful home. It can cause billing fluctuations. It’s not a problem.


Hmmm, are you left handed sir?


You see, on the billing cycle you use, you can….


I have exaggerated for illustrative purposes, but genuinely it’s not that far off.

Thought I’d give you feedback. There is a very helpful guy called Carl XXXX who has been assisting with this hopefully it will be resolved today with a full refund. Gary XXXX was as helpful as an erection in church FYI.

If the issue is not rectified and monies refunded within a day or two, I will cancel my account and all future payments with my bank, as you clearly cannot be trusted with billing me.  You could feel free to send me future paper bills through the post, but *SPOILER ALERT*……………I will not be paying them. You’d be more than welcome to pursue this in a small claims court as any objective analysis of this situation would side with me.

In summary:

come at me bro

I hope it doesn’t come to that.


M x


From: Carl XXX
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: VOL012-101408173010

Hello Mr Jorgensen

Just to tie up the loose ends following our conversation yesterday. I’ve actioned the ex gratia £60.00 credit to your account and it’s now on its way to your bank account. This should be with you within 5 working days.

Just to break the figures down. £51.41 was the original overpayment shown on your account. £50.00 was refunded yesterday – my fiscal limit and the remaining discussed £10.00 earlier today.

The total refund is £111.41.

You’ll get a text confirmation of a date change shortly to ensure that effective from the April bill, we take payment purely for your rental charges each month on or after the 26th of each month.

Thank you for the opportunity to resolve matters to your satisfaction.


BT Customer Resolutions


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Carl XXX
Subject: Re: VOL012-101408173010

Fabulous. Thanks Carl.

Appreciate your help on this.



Letter To Maoam – “Frisky Kinnock”

I’d firstly like to express how much I enjoy your devilishly delicious chews. They are a childish fruity treat which never fail to make me smile like a hog in a shitbath.

I even like the name. I think it’s onomatopoeic in a sense that every time I say it, it coincides with an imaginary vision of me, an Edwardian Duke, pranging my braces with bended knee in the sheer revelry of this new exoitic treat brought to me by a returning explorer.  It’s even sort of a palindrome if you have a mirror and use capitals. It’s got everything.

That being said, it is disheartening that I must contact you in this manner. This week in work, whilst tackling the aching post-Christmas malaise, my colleagues and I bought some Maoam as a sugary reprieve to spur us on to the hallowed finish line of 5.30.

My beaming smile of anticipation soon turned into the squawking grimace of outrage when we opened the packet to reveal each chew adorned with a, quite frankly horrific, pornographic image.

The little fruity characters you seem to be innocently portraying as frolicking are clearly engaged in a significantly mucky pursuit. It fills me with about a gallon of pre-evolutionary chimp rage that you could market this brazen filth to adults, much less children.

And before you claim that these are merely innocent drawings that I am taking out of context, I’d like to assure you I am certainly no fool. Prior to meeting my wife, I may have occasionally watched the odd grumble film, usually for research of self loathing purposes, but certainly enough to be able to differentiate innocent hopscotch from dry, right-angled, speed bumming.

After doing my research, I have identified each packet as blatantly displaying the following sex acts (from top to bottom (not like that)):


  1.  “Frisky Kinnock”
  2. “The Clay Exchange”
  3. “Angler’s Distress”
  4. “Dean Gaffney’s Jungle Knapsack”

If you would like any further damning evidence , I have hand-sketched some these acts being performed by humans which I have created a digitally superimposed overlay on your packaging. It’s devastating. I am happy to Instagram a picture of this to prove I am not bluffing.

I demand from you an explanation on this disgusting display of contempt to the customer, and their morals. Some Maoam. And a mirror.

Nauseated regards

Mark Jorgensen