Complaint to Cadburys – Goldless Wispa and Peter Gabriel

Wispa

 

For reference, you can always find any UK CEO’s email address on this website, helps for being a prick. http://www.ceoemail.com/

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold

Hi Cadbury

As you can tell from the George Michael reference in the heading, I’m a bit of a ‘muso’.
If you asked anyone who knows me what I like most in the world, they’d likely be torn between picking eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, or listening to a cracking tune.

Not Kevin, actually. He’d probably say powdering my vagina while watching Twilight or something equally puerile but he’s a cretin, don’t listen to a word.

When I’m not eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I spend the rest of my waking life with a song stuck in my head. Sometimes this is great, and I can gently bogal about my day.

Unfortunately, the rest of the time is like being in a mental disco prison with a cretin like fucking Kevin in control of the jukebox in your thinker.

For example, I spent three days with the theme tune of Men Behaving Badly on perpetual loop. It’s like Guantanamo I’d have thought, but more Martin Clunesy.

Luckily, when I’m not enjoying a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I’ve come up with a system.

If you sing Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel in your head, it immediately replaces any clingy mind stinkers. And who doesn’t like Sledgehammer? You’re welcome.

I digress, the other day, I bought a delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar at work, then eagerly scampered back to my desk mentally singing “I’ve got a Wispa Gold bar” along to the tune of I’ve Got A Golden Ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I didn’t even want to revert to the Sledgehammer Protocol (trademark pending) due to my excitement about the imminent delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar.

Charlie got a golden ticket befitting of the beaming ditty, I got a hollow Wispa Gold bar which made my version an ironic jarring jingle. On a Monday too. That one event made my Monday about 9 times Mondayer.

As I say, I love a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar as much as the next man, but this has made my brand loyalty take a significant wobble, bordering on a bellyflop into a piss drenched canyon.

How do we fix this?

I can’t imagine life without being able to enjoy a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, but I am petty enough to revert to Galaxy on principle, the “is Pepsi Ok?” of chocolate.

I’ve sent a copy of this to your CEO Mary Barnard via her publicly available email as you will only accept contact via online form.

I look forward to a resolution,

Mark x


From: Mondelez International Consumer Service
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold

 

Dear Mark

Thank you for contacting us regarding the problem you had with Cadbury Wispa Gold.

In order that we can correctly process your complaint, we require a little more information about the product. If you still have the packaging, could you please provide the following information: the full product description and weight of the product, the best before date and the batch/lot code (located near the best before date, beginning with three letters).

Also if you could please provide your full name, postal address and contact telephone number.

I am sorry you have cause to complain; as soon as we receive this information we can investigate this matter further for you.

Thank you for your patience and co-operation and we apologise for any inconvenience.

Amanda

Consumer Conversations Consultant

 


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold
Hi

 

My address is:

 

XXXXXX

OBO0E63272 is that weird number

Best before: 16.05.17

I haven’t weighed the product as I lack the requisite chocolate weighing equipment, and it would also be weird, bordering on psychopathic if I had happened to weigh a chocolate bar before eating it, but I trust this is enough info.

Consumer Conversations Consultant


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
CC: Irene Rosenfeld
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold
Hi
It’s been two weeks with no contact or correspondence. Did you ask for my address to send me something or was it just really, really poorly timed data collection?
Just looping in Mondelez CEO Irene Rosenfeld to see if that helps.
Ta la

 


From: Mondelez International Consumer Service
To: Mark Jorgensen
CC: Irene Rosenfeld
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold

Dear Mark,

We are extremely sorry It has taking so long to get back to you. We have now issued you an apology letter for the original issue and for the delay in getting this response to you. This letter includes a voucher to put towards any of our products and should be with you in the next 7-10 working days.

Again we are sorry this process has taking so long.

Kind regards,
Stephen

 

cadburys

Complaint to BT: MY Invoice

*It’s important to note that with this email I copied in the personal email of Joe Garner, CEO of BT Openreach/Broadband*

Dear BT,

Usually when I complain to companies, I have a pretty regimented structure which goes thusly:

  1. Intro with a compliment to gain trust
  2. Some form of ridiculous whimsy or other
  3. Then the crux of my issue, interspersed with whimsy
  4. Some more (underhand) compliments
  5. Some more whimsy
  6. A mad cap demand

Not necessarily a blue print for a complaint letter, but it works for me.

The problem is that every time I sit to write to BT, you aggravate me so much that I get overcome with dormant APE RAGE and can barely type three words before mashing the keypad and screeching like a baboon with a fire ant in its anus.

So rather than being disingenuous and trying to keep to this format, I’m simply going to list my grievances, with the odd generic insult thrown in to lighten the mood:

  1. My internet doesn’t work properly and, in a way, never really has.
  2. My internet cuts off intermittently
  3. You voted for UKIP
  4. BT can’t fix any technical problems
  5. You don’t have bilateral symmetry
  6. BT seem relatively disinterested in technical faults
  7. BT cannot follow very, very simple billing instructions
  8. The ultrasound of your baby looks like an electric frog
  9. Nobody at BT has any comprehension that as a customer, I have no knowledge or interest in the organisational structure of your company
  10. Your overseas call centres – which generally I have no problem with whatsoever – seem to be full of people who can only speak the English words on the script in front of them. Phonetically.
  11. You don’t pronounce the word cavalry correctly
  12. Upon querying my billing amount, you have been over-billing me by approximately £15 per month for the last year. Maybe two. The rate I’ve been on is overpriced and particularly for services I don’t need and the ones I do don’t work.
  13. You are the worst company prefixed with ‘British’, and BP killed all those swans with petrol or whatever.
  14. Any query results in being passed to several departments and having to re-explain the issue to several different people who don’t give a solitary shit.
  15. You attract spiders
  16. The additions include several telephone-oriented ‘bolt on’ services you have added despite me repeatedly telling you I don’t use a home phone. The line is for the internet only.
  17. You are delighted by the plight of endangered animals.
  18. I never get a call back when I request one
  19. In relation to point 7, I asked for my billing date to be changed, anticipating some moving around of money in accounts, you assured me this was done.
  20. In relation to the above, you didn’t change and I was cut off immediately
  21. You chew with your mouth open.

Paying particular attention to points 1, 2, 4, 5, 12, 14, 21 and an addendum of the fact that I’ve been paying for high speed internet, yet your engineers tell me I’ve been getting roughly a quarter of the speed I pay for, I am at the end of a very long shit-smeared tether of incompetence.

Back to a list, here is what we’re going to do

  1. I have attached an invoice for the overbilling, which if we do the math(s):

A conservative guess on timescales of this would be around 12 months.

So 12 x £15 =£180* 

*Please note that this is extremely conservative as it does not include the additional charges I have incurred from my mobile phone provider for overusing 4G when my wireless regularly doesn’t work.

This invoice must be paid into the bank account details on the invoice within 30 days with a payment reference of WEPROBABLYKILLEDJESUSTOO.

I will consider a counter offer.

  1. An engineer must unequivocally repair my internet within 7 days.

(This is attempt number 6 to get this so, for reference

RE-PAIR, verb

restore (something damaged, faulty, or worn) to a good condition.

“faulty electrical appliances should be repaired by an electrician”)

  1. An apology in the form of a limerick.

Failure to adhere to these points will result in the immediate cancellation of all BT services and the passing of owed monies to a collections team.

Ta,

Mark

Invoice01

 

*A phone call followed*

 


From: nicola.xxxxxxx@bt.com
To: MarkJorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your time today.

As we discussed I have refunded the incorrect charges on your bills over the last 12 months.

I have removed the caller display service, Broadband Talk and arranged for the BT Sports to be free for another 12 months. Please see the below breakdown of these charges refunded

·         April 2014 -Broadband Talk=  £17.95

·         July 2014 -Broadband talk = £10.50

·         October 2014 -Broadband talk= £10.50

·         October 2013- Caller display =£6.00

·         April 2014 -Caller display = £5.25

·         July 2014-  Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014-Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014- BT SPORTS- £2.00

Total refund= £61.95

Due to the excess usage charges you received when you first joined BT for broadband I have agreed to refund £38.05 towards this cost, the total refund calculated is £100.00 this will be sent you via cheque in the next 10 working days.

In relation to your broadband issues this has been passed to BT’s high level escalation team, as soon I receive any further knows I will keep you informed.

If BT are able to resolve the broadband speed and drop in service I will look at adding a new broadband contract to your account which will result in a cheaper package. I don’t want to make any changes to your account though until you are happy with the level of service you are receiving.

I will check the progress of your broadband on Friday and give you a call, but if you need anything in the meantime please give me a call or drop me an email.

Best Wishes

Nicola

Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist

Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ
Registered in England no. 1800000


From: Mark Jorgy

To: nicola.xxxxxxxx@bt.com
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

This is great Nicola, thanks a lot for your help.

Any chance of that limerick?

Thanks

M

 


From: nicola.xxxxxxxx@bt.com
To: Mark Jorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

You are very welcome,

Hahaha I am not sure my limerick skills are up much Mark, especially with the last essay.  J

Best Wishes

Nicola 

Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist

cid:image006.jpg@01CED237.34CF05E0

Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ


From: Mark Jorgy
To: nicola.xxxxxx@bt.com
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

There was a young lady called Nicol-
-a girl who helped Mark in a pickle
She gave him some cash,
They still had a laugh,
But she respectfully bowed out of a riddle
🙂

*SORTED!!*

Spiders On A Tram – Letter To Metrolink

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Customer Services
Subject: SPIDERS ON A TRAM

Hi,

I live and work in Manchester city centre so I seldom have a use for the tram network. Nevertheless, I occasionally pop out to the suburbs on a middle class pilgrimage to seek the wonders of Disbury’s dried spice market, haberdasheries, or sometimes to just drink a lot and mindlessly hector passing students.

On such occasions, I always take the tram rather than buses, for the following reasons:

– They feel a little more futuristic and I like gadgets
– There are roughly 43% less twats
– I can gaze out of the window and imagine it’s a film montage of me undergoing some sort of intense introspection. It seems more authentic than being on a vomit and/or semen-drenched magic bus seat.

On Wednesday 8th July I travelled to Disdbury on one of your trams. Not for a wicker basket of kale, nor a steamed-dried filet of free range water bison, but to have a curry and watch football. Having been just in time snag the last remaining inches of space on the rush hour tram, I was hugely uncomfortable, but happy to be on board. I’m not being dramatic, they were quite literally the last inches; the door trapped my jacket behind me, my loin was too close to several fellow passengers and a curious man with a body odour I can only liken to sort of an ammonia-based underpants disaster had the nook of his armpit nestled roughly 0.7 inches from the receptor cells inside my nose.

I appreciate that running only 3 carriages at this time might cause consternation to many of the people who missed the tram that day, and they are probably right. But thankfully, I made the tram, so I don’t care. This is about me.

What I DO take umbrage with, is the presence of a huge cobweb. Just above my head. With offending spider present. See attached photograph.

Tram

I am a man, and as a consequence feel duty-bound to be macho where possible. I recently went fishing in Cyprus and conquered a giant crab. I emerged bloodied and victorious from the battle, with my Alpha male gland (metaphorically speaking, please don’t confuse with my glans), buoyed and blooming. So I am, technically speaking, not a quivering coward by nature.

Unfortunately, spiders are my kryptonite. I would happily sit in a giant wooden box filled with a variety of snakes, than have a little house spider anywhere near me. It’s a foible, not a phobia.

People who are terrified of spiders often get dubbed arachnophobes, but this is a little harsh. Being scared of buttons (Koumpounophobia) is a phobia. There are not tens of thousands of species of venomous buttons. Being afraid of spiders is a perfectly rational, limbic response to threat, harking back to millions of years of evolution.

So, to cut a long story short, I am disgusted, and admittedly scared, to discover you allow our multi-million pound tram system in Manchester to be riddled with spiders. This was an intricately built and vast web, it was not a throw-up temporary one for an idle-minded commuting spider (not a species). This guy was living there. I managed to not scream like a kicked weasel throughout my journey, but at the expense of my comfort and dignity.

Therefore, please can you provide me with the following information:

– Metrolink’s policy on spiders
– An explanation as to how/why this wasn’t cleaned, and the spider thrashed into a twitching clump by a Metrolink employee prior to the tram leaving that day.
– Your assurances that I will not be subjected to any arachnid-based trauma on future journeys

Thanks in advance,

Mark Jorgensen


From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

 

Thank you for contacting the Metrolink Customer Experience team.

 

We appreciate you taking the time to share your comments with us.  Our Customer Experience team will respond to your comments as soon as possible, but please be aware that this can take up to 15 working days if further investigation is required.  If we are unable to provide you with a full response in this time, we will contact you to explain why.

 

If you wish to speak to us in relation to your comments or if your enquiry is urgent, please call a member of our Customer Experience team on 0161 205 2000; the team will be available between 06.00 and 23.00 Monday to Friday, 08.00 and 20.00 Saturday and Sunday.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to contact Metrolink; we value your feedback.

 


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘SEdwards@metrolink.co.uk’; ‘customerservices@metrolink.co.uk’
Subject: RE: SPIDERS ON A TRAM
Importance: High

I must say, even with spider issues left aside, your rate of response is pretty appalling. I was going to make some snarky comment about your trams being equally late and infrequent but seems too obvious. Although I kind of just indirectly said it anyway. Soz.

FYI – Popping an out of office warning you take up to 15 days (which is a ludicrous amount of time), doesn’t automatically excuse it. If I popped an out of office on my work email saying “sorry, it takes me two weeks to reply to emails”, I can imagine it would be received as well as me popping “thanks for your email, I’m busy servicing other clients. As is YOUR mum”.

Just some additional feedback.

As a customer.

You aren’t currently servicing.

As customer services.

Thank you again for taking the time not to contact Mark Jorgensen; we value your ignorance.


From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

 

Please find attached a letter of response.

Regards
METLETTER

 

 

Letter to Lurpak – I’d like to discuss your understanding of the word ‘spreadable’

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Lurpak Consumer Services
To: Mark Jorgensen

Hi Mark,

We are continually monitoring these forms. Feel free to send me your enquiry and I will pass it to the appropriate team.
Thanks,

Community Manager, Lurpak

*************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Lurpak Consumer Services

Hello there,

Thank you for such a swift response. Apologies for the curt message on the contact form, I’m a bit of a technophobe when it comes to that sort of business – I prefer a good old fashioned email.

Firstly, I’d just like to say I really like your salted butter products. I must admit though, that little trumpet-playing fellow who was made from butter caused me to have a slight wobble with brand appreciation. I hated him. Not sure why, but I hated him. However, generally, if I’m having a piece of toast – which I often do – then Lurpak is my topping of choice.

I do have a fairly major issue though I’m afraid.

I’d like to delve, if I may, a little more into your understanding of the word ‘spreadable’. If we break this down into a composite word of ‘spread’ and ‘able’, to my mind it would infer that it is ‘able’ to be ‘spread’.

Seems fairly simple.

I may be missing something glaring but when I try and spread this ‘spreadable’ spread, it tears the bread to wretched pieces like cheap kitchen roll under a power washer. Therefore having the word ‘spreadable’ brazenly daubed on your packaging seems misleading at best.

The only exception to this is with piping hot toast. Under these circumstances, if I can quickly get a glob of Lurpak on the toast (preferably Warbutons Toastie but I’m experimenting with brown bread as a consolatory olive branch to my innards), there is just about enough melting to allow a clean spread.
But I’d argue that this is more down to physics than the ‘spreadability’ of Lurpak.

To me, calling Lurpak spreadable is like calling a bottle of whisky ‘liver cleansing’.

Please could you explain your understanding of the word ‘spreadable’ and the context of it’s use on your packaging?

Buttery wishes,

M

*****************************************************************************************
Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Lurpak Consumer Services
To: Mark Jorgensen

Hi Mark,

My apologies for not getting back to you earlier.

Thank you for your feedback, we always love to hear what consumers have to say – especially when it’s witty!

I’m not in a position to comment on the use of the word ‘Spreadable’ and as such, have forwarded your email to the consumer services team.
Hopefully they will have a satisfactory (if not technical) answer for you!

Many thanks,

Community Manager, Lurpak

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Lurpak Consumer Services

Lovely stuff,  thank you.

Sorry to chase, but I tried to make a sandwich earlier with soft bread and Lurpak but the bread ended up looking like a yeasty , crumpled horseshoe.

Help me before it’s too late.

Thanks

M

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Lurpak Consumer Services
To: Mark Jorgensen

Good Morning

Thank you for your email.If the product is not spreadable straight from the fridge, this would normally suggest that the product has been exposed to some form of temperature abuse. This may have occurred in transportation, distribution or the store.Alternatively if the product becomes spreadable after a few minutes out of the fridge this could be that the fridge is to cold for the product or if the product is left out of refrigeration for too long and becomes quite soft this can also cause the product to become difficult to spread.I hope this helps answer your question.

Kind Regards

Consumer Relations

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Lurpak Consumer Services

Hello you,

Thank you for your response.

I’d just like to understand – from a corporate perspective – your interpretation of the word spreadable as used on your packaging. I feel that, delicious though it is, Lurpak contravenes the very nature of the spreadable game.

However, you did touch on an interesting point. I wondered if you could elaborate further on the temperature fluctuations in which butter(or butter like ‘spread’) can be subjected to before it constitutes abuse?

Thanks in advance.

M

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Lurpak Consumer Services
To: Mark Jorgensen

Good Afternoon

Would you like to forward a contact telephone number to discuss this further.

Kind Regards

Consumer Relations Coordinator

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Lurpak Consumer Services

Hi

Sorry I am currently trying to remove a precious butter knife from some Lurpak like Excalibur. I think I may be here for most of the afternoon so email would be preferable.

Thank you.

M

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Lurpak Consumer Services
To: Mark Jorgensen

Good AfternoonGood Afternoon

Please may I ask you to confirm your fridge setting.We produce over 1 million units of Lurpak Spreadable’s a week, although this is not the first comment regarding this issue, it is however unusual.

Kind Regards

Consumer Relations Coordinator

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Lurpak Consumer Services

Good afternoon,

I can confirm that my fridge setting is “on”. It’s a Siemens model if that helps. It’s like a big white rectangle with a door. Opens out.

That is an awful lot of butter. It’s also reassurance that there are people who have had the same concern. Do you use the product yourself? In which case, how do you find it’s spreadability on, say, Warbutons Toastie, room temperature?

Thanks

M

*******************************************************************************************

From: ConsumerRelations@arlafoods.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Lurpak Enquiry

Good Afternoon

Yes I only ever use Lurpak Spreadable, I do not find the spreadablity an issue unless, I have inadvertently left the product out of refrigeration and the product has become soft.

The room temperature is irrelevant as it all depends on how warm or how cold the room is and how long the product is left out, even in a cold room the product will eventually go soft.

The product is designed to be spread straight from the fridge, if it is subjected to any abuse it can eventually become difficult to spread.

I hope this now brings the matter to an end.

Kind Regards

Consumer Relations Coordinator

*******************************************************************************************

Subject: Re: A message from the Lurpak website
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Lurpak Consumer Services

Ok thanks. I’m surprised that you don’t suffer the same problem but I guess I will have to speak to my fridge manufacturer as the temperature abuse must be at their side.

Might I suggest that you offer some form of Butter Temperature Control Workshops? It could be an added revenue stream and could help hapless butter victims such as I control the horrific levels of domestic temperature abuse they subject their butter to.

I won’t request any % of the proceedings, consider it free consultancy. Something to think about.

Thanks for your help.

M

*******************************************************************************************

From: ConsumerRelations@arlafoods.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Lurpak Enquiry

Yes we’ll have a look in to that Mark, thank you.

Kind Regards

Consumer Relations Coordinator


Letter to Walkers Crisps – battered by a crisp-daft Frenchman


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: consumer@walkers.co.uk
Subject: Walkers Crinkles

Dear Walkers,

Firstly I’d like to offer my congratulations on your longstanding excellence in the crisp game. Your salt and vinegar flavour has been my crisp of choice for as long as I can remember. They have added a sumptuous sandwich-enhancing crunch to many a lunchtime throughout the years.

However, I would like to raise an issue of immense concern. I’m not talking about the continued use of jug-eared smug merchant Linekar in your condescending television adverts (that meerkat makes Gary look like fucking Shaft so you’re excused by proxy), nor am I talking about the ‘zany’ Cajun squirrel farrago.

My issue concerns the attached photograph of a packet of your recent ‘crinkles’ range.

The keen-eyed amongst you may be able to just about make out the tiny island of crinkled crisps bashfully nestled amongst a vast expanse of foil wrapper.

I have long been interested in some of the more colourful collective nouns for various things, notably a romp of otters, a business of ferrets, a glob of Austrians, a git of bishops or a funk of vegans. This is, however, what I can only describe as a fuck you of crisps.

Please excuse my rather coarse language but that is earnestly the impression I got from this purchase. An insult. I’m a passionate man particularly when it comes to crisps. I remember once a French exchange student tried to tell me the puerile Pom Bear is a vastly superior crisp to Walkers. I defended your honour with what I can only describe as a devastatingly executed ‘bitchslap’. I’m not proud of my actions, my mother was furious and being about 4 years older than me, the crisp-daft Frenchman gave me a beating of unforgettable magnitude. But on principle, I stand by my convictions.

Despite my foolhardy defense of our fine British crispmaking heritage, the night I received the above it felt like the vast Walkers Corporation were some ghoulish Fagan-like character, flinging a thimble full of gruel in my general direction for having the audacity to pay 70p for a beloved snack. (Before retiring to his private chambers with a gaggle of impressionably young cockney pickpockets).

Thankfully, this was in a bar where my motive for the crisps was simply to mop up alcohol, but next time I may not be so lucky. If this was a lunchtime treat, I very much doubt whether this meagre amount of crisps would have been sufficient to fill even the most conservatively sized sandwich.

This isn’t to detract from their quality -the crisps themselves were delicious. The crinkled crisp has often been a huge favourite of mine due to the explosive pockets of flavour encased within the grooves of each crisp. McCoys have typically dominated this market since the demise of the once-loved Frisp, but yours are up there.

Quality is usually better than quantity in most walks of life but in crisps, a carefully observed balance is pivotal.

Take Discos for example. Their salt and vinegar range are delicious, but they might as well just put a small photograph of one crisp lazily dusted with flavouring. (Don’t even get me started on their so-called larger ‘Grab Bags’).

Again, it is with great regret that I contact you in this manner, as I am a staunch advocate of your brand, but I feel I must vent my crispy disgust at this atrocity.

I would therefore like to request the following –

–       An explanation of the quality control policies of your crinkle range.

–       Remuneration of the 70p I paid for the crisps.

–       A personalised apology from one of your brand ambassadors. i.e. Linekar, Lionel Ritchie or, preferably, a signed photograph of Charlotte Church nakedly frolicking in a bath of crisps like a sexy Scrooge     McDuck.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Mark Jorgensen


From: thurmaston.consumer@pepsico.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Dear Mark

Thank you for your recent emails regarding your purchase of Walkers Crinkles. I am really sorry that it has taken so long for us to get back to you.

It’s really disappointing for us to learn that your Crinkles packet contained few crisps – all of our packets are filled to weight, and hence this packet should have topped 32g.

Sadly, without the pack coding, it is very difficult to fully investigate the nature of this complaint but we do appreciate that your purchase was not of the quality you’d expect from us. We have therefore, noted your feedback on this particular pack for our Plant Teams to review as part of their ongoing quality evaluations.

I do hope that you have no further concerns with any of our products, however, should this not be the case, we would appreciate your help in sending the unsatisfactory product back to us at the following Freepost address or please do not hesitate to call us on our freephone number 0800 274777.

WALKERS SNACK FOODS LIMITED
CUSTOMER SERVICES DEPARTMENT
FREEPOST LE4918
LEICESTER
LE4 5ZY

In the meantime, if you would like to let me have your full postal address I will be more than happy to send you out some Walkers vouchers, with my compliments (unfortunately the photograph of the lovely Charlotte Church isn’t so easy for me to arrange)

I look forward to hearing from you

Regards

Sue
Customer Services


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: consumer@walkers.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Hi Sue,
Thank you for the email and I accept your sincere apologies for the delay. I apologise for sending a secondary email, I can be a little impatient at times and I am trying to make sure I address this. But as my brother once said as a child impishly awaiting Christmas morning “if I’m patient I can’t have it NOW”.

I’m pleased that you will take on my feedback, I would be loathed to think that collectively we couldn’t use this tragedy which has befallen me to ensure that no one else will suffer a palty crisp fiasco in the future. If your Plant Team do require any feedback/input regarding the quality procedures then I would be happy to offer this on a consultancy basis in exchange for either Charlotte Church, or a nominal fee of a pre-agreed quantity of crisps. Let me know anyway.

Thank you for your very kind offer of some vouchers (and your compliments, naturally), my address is –

Flat 3
XXXX

XXXX

XXX

Is there any room for negotiation on the Charlotte Church thing? I could contact her and request the picture and say that you said it was ok?

Crispy wishes,

Mark Jorgensen


From: thurmaston.consumer@pepsico.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Your Unique Reference Number is – 000471190A:Your Contact About Walkers Crinkles

Dear Mark

Thank you for your recent email reply and for providing me with your address details.

I will be popping some Walkers vouchers into the post for you this evening – the amount of these will lend themselves more to be spent in a supermarket (maybe for a few multipacks of Crinkles?)

Spend them as you see fit and enjoy 🙂

Regards

Sue

Customer Services

P.s Incidentally the dictionary definition of impatience reads ‘intolerance of anything that thwarts, delays, or hinders’ – so not always a bad trait.

And still no luck with Charlotte.

Manchester City Council – Oversight of the Twelfth Night

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: contact@manchester.gov.uk
Subject: A concerned citizen

Dear Manchester City Council,

I hope you’re all doing well at the council and may I take the time to wish you all a (belated) happy new year. I think all in all 2011 was a testing year not just yourselves but for the public sector in general so I’m sure you’re not too sad to see the back of it.

Unfortunately I have noticed a glaring oversight which I think could be the catalyst to a less than auspicious start to 2012; you have left the Christmas decorations up all over the city. Beyond the 6th of January!!!! Are you MAD? At the time of writing it is the 16th January and they are still there. 10 DAYS!!!

I was wandering around the city the other day and I couldn’t help but notice that on every lamp post the Christmas decorations still hang lonely and unilluminated, like drunken ‘trophy steals’ from a garden centre displayed proudly around a student flat. I am staggered that you would jeopardise the fortune, and consequently the safety, of the patrons of this city.

I’m not exactly a superstitious person. I do have a couple of quirks that I will only ever walk down-wind and habitually recite the nine times table aloud during coitus (but that’s more of a rhythm thing really). However, it’s well documented – far beyond preposterous pagan hokem – that failure to remove Christmas decorations on the 6th January (The Twelfth night) can yield catastrophic bad luck. Bad luck you have now seemingly consigned the whole city to.

I think even an idle glance at the facts would suggest so…

– The Howling Hilton. If that is not a harbinger of impending doom of some sort then I don’t know what is.

–  The complete lack of snow. An offshoot of global warming, normal weather cycles or something altogether more sinister? The latter, I would assume.

–  Look at the news….stabbing this, storms that, financial meltdown the other…coincidence?

– The ghost of Paul Scholes brazenly haunting Old Trafford.

–   I tripped on a curb and hit my head on the rear flank of a Ford Mondeo on Monday.

…what next?

I would like to know the council’s official stance on this matter. I think at the very least there should be a public apology and immediate withdrawal of all decorations before we all end up going feral and smashing each other’s craniums apart with sticks and dog bones.

Yours concerned,

Mark Jorgensen


To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Fw: A concerned citizen
From: contact@manchester.gov.uk

Thank you for your email and your enquiry regarding the festive lighting.

Following Christmas, we aim to have all the decorations switched off by 6th
January, and then the contractors start to remove them following that date.
Given the geographic extent of the scheme and the requirement to minimise
disruption to existing city centre operations – this process normally takes
between 7 and 10 days – and has never been achieved in a single night, so
I’m confident that we are not invoking bad luck upon the city despite the
worrying omens that you cite.

They are taken down from the core area – Albert Square – and outwards. The
periods of high winds in the past weeks hasn’t helped this process this
year, as the equipment used to take down the decorations cannot be operated
in these conditions and it has put the contractors back, however all
decorations should be removed by the end of this week.

I hope this helps with your enquiry.

Kind regards.

> Karen Connell
> Events Unit
> Chief Executive’s Dept
> Manchester City Council
> Desk 012, 5th Floor, Number One First Street
> Manchester
> M15 4FN (for satellite navigation use M1 5DE)
> Please note postal address remains:
> PO Box 532, Town Hall, Manchester, M60 2LA
> for directions to First Street go to:
> http://www.manchester.gov.uk/firststreet
>

> email: k.connell@manchester.gov.uk
> website address: http://www.manchester.gov.uk