An SOS from Barclays Bank

Listen, I don’t want to brag, but none other than Barclays Plc reached out to little ol’ Jorgy asking for advice on how to run their business.

They called it a ‘customer survey’, clearly to save face, but we all know what this was. After The Panther’s dealings with them, I think we’ve earned a mutual respect, and that’s evidently caught the attention of their board, who came crawling for help.

Not to give away all of our collaborative growth strategy, I’ll share some of my insight as a thought starter if you too are a fledgling bank seeking help.

You’re welcome.

Barclays 1

Barclays 3Barclays 2Barclays 4Barclays 5Barclays 6

Complaint to Cadburys – Goldless Wispa and Peter Gabriel



For reference, you can always find any UK CEO’s email address on this website, helps for being a prick.

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold

Hi Cadbury

As you can tell from the George Michael reference in the heading, I’m a bit of a ‘muso’.
If you asked anyone who knows me what I like most in the world, they’d likely be torn between picking eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, or listening to a cracking tune.

Not Kevin, actually. He’d probably say powdering my vagina while watching Twilight or something equally puerile but he’s a cretin, don’t listen to a word.

When I’m not eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I spend the rest of my waking life with a song stuck in my head. Sometimes this is great, and I can gently bogal about my day.

Unfortunately, the rest of the time is like being in a mental disco prison with a cretin like fucking Kevin in control of the jukebox in your thinker.

For example, I spent three days with the theme tune of Men Behaving Badly on perpetual loop. It’s like Guantanamo I’d have thought, but more Martin Clunesy.

Luckily, when I’m not enjoying a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I’ve come up with a system.

If you sing Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel in your head, it immediately replaces any clingy mind stinkers. And who doesn’t like Sledgehammer? You’re welcome.

I digress, the other day, I bought a delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar at work, then eagerly scampered back to my desk mentally singing “I’ve got a Wispa Gold bar” along to the tune of I’ve Got A Golden Ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I didn’t even want to revert to the Sledgehammer Protocol (trademark pending) due to my excitement about the imminent delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar.

Charlie got a golden ticket befitting of the beaming ditty, I got a hollow Wispa Gold bar which made my version an ironic jarring jingle. On a Monday too. That one event made my Monday about 9 times Mondayer.

As I say, I love a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar as much as the next man, but this has made my brand loyalty take a significant wobble, bordering on a bellyflop into a piss drenched canyon.

How do we fix this?

I can’t imagine life without being able to enjoy a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, but I am petty enough to revert to Galaxy on principle, the “is Pepsi Ok?” of chocolate.

I’ve sent a copy of this to your CEO Mary Barnard via her publicly available email as you will only accept contact via online form.

I look forward to a resolution,

Mark x

From: Mondelez International Consumer Service
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Careless Wispa Gold


Dear Mark

Thank you for contacting us regarding the problem you had with Cadbury Wispa Gold.

In order that we can correctly process your complaint, we require a little more information about the product. If you still have the packaging, could you please provide the following information: the full product description and weight of the product, the best before date and the batch/lot code (located near the best before date, beginning with three letters).

Also if you could please provide your full name, postal address and contact telephone number.

I am sorry you have cause to complain; as soon as we receive this information we can investigate this matter further for you.

Thank you for your patience and co-operation and we apologise for any inconvenience.


Consumer Conversations Consultant


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold


My address is:



OBO0E63272 is that weird number

Best before: 16.05.17

I haven’t weighed the product as I lack the requisite chocolate weighing equipment, and it would also be weird, bordering on psychopathic if I had happened to weigh a chocolate bar before eating it, but I trust this is enough info.

Consumer Conversations Consultant

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Mondelez International Consumer Service
CC: Irene Rosenfeld
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold
It’s been two weeks with no contact or correspondence. Did you ask for my address to send me something or was it just really, really poorly timed data collection?
Just looping in Mondelez CEO Irene Rosenfeld to see if that helps.
Ta la


From: Mondelez International Consumer Service
To: Mark Jorgensen
CC: Irene Rosenfeld
Subject: Carless Wispa Gold

Dear Mark,

We are extremely sorry It has taking so long to get back to you. We have now issued you an apology letter for the original issue and for the delay in getting this response to you. This letter includes a voucher to put towards any of our products and should be with you in the next 7-10 working days.

Again we are sorry this process has taking so long.

Kind regards,



Phonecall with Barclays – The Panther


Transcribed from vague memory….

Hello Mr Jorgensen, its Jenny from Barclays Premier. Are you free to speak?

Briefly Jenny.

Ok fantastic, thank you. Before we start I’d like to ask if it would it be ok if I call you Mark?

No, I don’t think so.



Ok then, Mr Jorgensen

I don’t want you to call me that either

Erm, Ok. What would you prefer?

The Panther

The…The Panther?

Yes, that’s right, The Panther

Erm, I’m not really sure if…

Everyone calls me The Panther Jenny, and I would ask you to extend me the same courtesy

Oh, ok, panther would it…

Sorry Jenny, it’s ‘THE Panther’, if you don’t mind.

Oh, sorry, The Panther.

Sorry this was terribly rude of me. Is it ok for The Panther to call you Jenny?

Yes, thats fine The Panther, thank you for asking.

Courtesy is a two way street isn’t it Jenny?

Very true The Panther. Are you available to speak to me about upgrading the account level we currently hold for you at Barclays?

No Jenny, I’m afraid The Panther is busy.

Is there a better time for me to speak to The Panther today?

Probably not Jenny, I’m going to be tied up all day with meetings and searching for a wounded gazelle I can smell  in the distance. I’ve been trailing it for a few days now.

Oh, ok The Panther. Perhaps I can try again next week?

Is that a philosophical quandary or a request, Jenny?

I suppose it’s a request, The Panther.

I see,  appreciate your frankness. Yes that’ll be fine Jenny. Have a great day.

You too The Panther, thank you for your time.