So allow me to paint a picture, there I was, walking down Tibb Street minding my own smutty business, a touch tired, slightly inebriated, negotiating as linear a path across town as possible to seek solace in my bed and regress to embryonic slumber. Then suddenly, like a hairy nuclear surface – to-eye shit missile, my solipsistic daze was punctuated with a rustling image which inadvertently caught my trudging glance, and my pleasant evening was to meander off course to a disgusting nadir.
Lurking within the sordid shadows of a backstreet doorway in Northern Quarter, I realised that the rustling image my eyes had become drawn to was not some bin bags blowing in the wind, nor was it an unfortunate vagrant trying to huddle some warmth from external air conditioner leakings; I was, in fact, gazing at what can respectfully be described as a monumentally fat couple, engaged in drunken doorway coitus, revolting, blubbersome, alfresco coitus. In fairness, his motions of 50 jiggling pelvic thrusts per nanosecond was admittedly impressive and gravity defying – Newton would have turned in his grave; much akin to a Peter Crouch high-speed bicycle kick. She, or ‘it with tits’ as is probably more apt, merely seemed to be concentrating all over her efforts to remain upright and vomit free, yet still managing to warble out a cacophony of rotten fucksounds to accentuate her ‘performance’.
Now, I am no prude, you understand, but never has my gag reflex recoiled in such austere and cataclysmic fashion than to see 2 rutting swines clumsily negotiating a horrific ‘doggystyle’ botch job with feckless disregard for their self respect, decency and the mind state of any passing reluctant spectator. To make things worse, one of the beasts (the male, I estimate but it was unclear as together they looked like 2 sacks of muleshit sculpted into anthropomorphic shape by a severely retarded seven year old) looked at me and grinned. GRINNED FOR FUCK SAKE.
What is he expecting from me? Perhaps to whoop and run over and ‘give him five’ in a ceremony of obsequious phallus camaraderie, perhaps try and assert my priapic prowess and urinate in a circle around them before charging at the male and try and bestow my turgid seed in the females gloop canyon instead. Maybe it was just so I could see, so I was aware of what he had achieved and be either proud of my fellow man, or jealous of this most auspicious fete. Well done brother, you have successfully managed to get this horrendous marsh-dwelling mass of harridan bile comprehensively drunk enough to let you lance her, in public, with your grubby little disease wand. You really are flying the flag for the state of this much maligned country and it must make mother earths wilted bosom lactate with pride with this display of nature at its beautiful best .
They should both be chemically neutered. They and all of their friends, families, colleagues, neighbours and family pets of yesteryear.
I may never get over this.