BT Complaint Round 2 – Come At Me Bro!

*I again copied in the CEO*

 

Dear BT,

Recently, you and I had a bit of a bicker, which you can read here. You did some things (like over charge me for years for a service you weren’t properly providing). I said some things (like you chew with your mouth open and you are worse than environMENTALIST pelican botherers BP). Then we cleared the air. It was all left behind us and we could move on, linking hands and skipping merrily across a meadow together.

Or so I thought. Since the technical issues at your side were fixed, and the billing issues at your side were apparently addressed, it transpires you have been charging me nearly 300% our agreed amount for absolutely no reason at all. In a series of complaints, I have been told 3 completely separate baffling technical reasons why this has happened, 3 different baffling technical ways to resolve it.

The one thing not one person has said is “Sorry about that sir, what a cock up. It’s some technical issue on our side I won’t bore you with the details, we’ll fix it and refund you immediately!”

I’m going to outline a hypothetical customer journey with BT.

Imagine you suddenly discover that your internet provider has, out of nowhere, changed you £100 per month instead of the £40 flat fee you’ve agreed in writing following a relatively high level complaint.

I’m going to skip the initial automated answering merry-go-round in the interests of brevity.

Call 1

So what seems to be the problem sir?

You have randomly taken £100 out of my account instead of the agreed £40 for the last two months?

I see. Let’s have a look. Ah yes, I can see this relates to a glitch about the billing cycle you use. It’s not a problem.

Well it is a problem.

No, you see, what’s happened is, your type of account can sometimes be subject to something we call a MOSW, which is a Money Out Snatch Whim, it relates to estimates on how you hold the hand set when you make phone calls.

I’ve told you as an organisation approximately 50 times that I don’t make phone calls. The phone line is for the broadband

That’s why we estimate, you see.

That doesn’t make any sense. Please change my bill and refund the error.

Hmmmm, I’m not sure we can do that on this bill method.

I don’t care what bill method you use, that’s your problem. You are charging more than we agreed.

I will have to call you back tomorrow if that’s ok sir?

Fine.

 

Call 2 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling in relation to your complaint about the error with your phone connection?

WHAT? I DON’T HAVE A PHONE!!!!!!!! I COMPLAINED ABOUT CHARGES.

That is not what our notes say, sir.

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR NOTES SAY

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

Oh that is a pickle sir, let’s have a look. I think I’ve spotted the problem. The reason you’ve been charged extra is due to a billing estimation based on heavy broadband.

Heavy broadband?

Yes it’s not a problem, it’s quite common.

It is a problem.

No, you see sir, what happens is, sometimes the internet we provide is subject to surges in electromagnetic fields around the globe. This can make some of the internet that we provide you extremely heavy and therefore costs a little extra. As you can imagine, there is little way for us to tell which of the internet is heavy, so this is estimated based on the weight of your previous usage.

I don’t know what any of that means. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I have a flat fee, for unlimited broadband with no usage-based charges.  

Hmmm, that is strange. Are you a Leo?

WHAT?!!!!!

Sometimes there can be astrological issues which can cause billing glitches.

I don’t care about the reasons. I pay £40, not £100. Fix it, and refund me.

Hmmm, I’ll have to look into it and call you back. Call I call you tomorrow?

 

Call 3 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling about the replacement broadband hub you’ve requested?

WHAT!!!!?!!!!! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? IS THIS FONEJACKER OR SOMETHING?

There’s no need to be quite so angry sir.

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

That is not what our notes say sir, but I know what the problem is. I’ve seen this before. You see, the billing cycle you are on can sometimes be subject to anomaly known as ‘the ghost of broadband past’. This is basically a semi-fictional gelatinous blob of unpaid bills from around the world which have banded together and erroneously travel around our customer records searching for their rightful home. It can cause billing fluctuations. It’s not a problem.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, NOR DO I CARE AND IT IS A PROBLEM. WE AGREED £40 PER MONTH, I DO NOT PAY ANY MORE THAN THIS. UNDERSTOOD? YOU HAVE TAKEN EXCESS CHARGES. REFUND IT.

Hmmm, are you left handed sir?

WHAT?!!!

You see, on the billing cycle you use, you can….

*CLICK*

I have exaggerated for illustrative purposes, but genuinely it’s not that far off.

Thought I’d give you feedback. There is a very helpful guy called Carl XXXX who has been assisting with this hopefully it will be resolved today with a full refund. Gary XXXX was as helpful as an erection in church FYI.

If the issue is not rectified and monies refunded within a day or two, I will cancel my account and all future payments with my bank, as you clearly cannot be trusted with billing me.  You could feel free to send me future paper bills through the post, but *SPOILER ALERT*……………I will not be paying them. You’d be more than welcome to pursue this in a small claims court as any objective analysis of this situation would side with me.

In summary:

come at me bro

I hope it doesn’t come to that.

Ta

M x


 

From: Carl XXX
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: VOL012-101408173010

Hello Mr Jorgensen

Just to tie up the loose ends following our conversation yesterday. I’ve actioned the ex gratia £60.00 credit to your account and it’s now on its way to your bank account. This should be with you within 5 working days.

Just to break the figures down. £51.41 was the original overpayment shown on your account. £50.00 was refunded yesterday – my fiscal limit and the remaining discussed £10.00 earlier today.

The total refund is £111.41.

You’ll get a text confirmation of a date change shortly to ensure that effective from the April bill, we take payment purely for your rental charges each month on or after the 26th of each month.

Thank you for the opportunity to resolve matters to your satisfaction.

Carl

BT Customer Resolutions


 

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Carl XXX
Subject: Re: VOL012-101408173010

Fabulous. Thanks Carl.

Appreciate your help on this.

M

 

Complaint to BT: MY Invoice

*It’s important to note that with this email I copied in the personal email of Joe Garner, CEO of BT Openreach/Broadband*

Dear BT,

Usually when I complain to companies, I have a pretty regimented structure which goes thusly:

  1. Intro with a compliment to gain trust
  2. Some form of ridiculous whimsy or other
  3. Then the crux of my issue, interspersed with whimsy
  4. Some more (underhand) compliments
  5. Some more whimsy
  6. A mad cap demand

Not necessarily a blue print for a complaint letter, but it works for me.

The problem is that every time I sit to write to BT, you aggravate me so much that I get overcome with dormant APE RAGE and can barely type three words before mashing the keypad and screeching like a baboon with a fire ant in its anus.

So rather than being disingenuous and trying to keep to this format, I’m simply going to list my grievances, with the odd generic insult thrown in to lighten the mood:

  1. My internet doesn’t work properly and, in a way, never really has.
  2. My internet cuts off intermittently
  3. You voted for UKIP
  4. BT can’t fix any technical problems
  5. You don’t have bilateral symmetry
  6. BT seem relatively disinterested in technical faults
  7. BT cannot follow very, very simple billing instructions
  8. The ultrasound of your baby looks like an electric frog
  9. Nobody at BT has any comprehension that as a customer, I have no knowledge or interest in the organisational structure of your company
  10. Your overseas call centres – which generally I have no problem with whatsoever – seem to be full of people who can only speak the English words on the script in front of them. Phonetically.
  11. You don’t pronounce the word cavalry correctly
  12. Upon querying my billing amount, you have been over-billing me by approximately £15 per month for the last year. Maybe two. The rate I’ve been on is overpriced and particularly for services I don’t need and the ones I do don’t work.
  13. You are the worst company prefixed with ‘British’, and BP killed all those swans with petrol or whatever.
  14. Any query results in being passed to several departments and having to re-explain the issue to several different people who don’t give a solitary shit.
  15. You attract spiders
  16. The additions include several telephone-oriented ‘bolt on’ services you have added despite me repeatedly telling you I don’t use a home phone. The line is for the internet only.
  17. You are delighted by the plight of endangered animals.
  18. I never get a call back when I request one
  19. In relation to point 7, I asked for my billing date to be changed, anticipating some moving around of money in accounts, you assured me this was done.
  20. In relation to the above, you didn’t change and I was cut off immediately
  21. You chew with your mouth open.

Paying particular attention to points 1, 2, 4, 5, 12, 14, 21 and an addendum of the fact that I’ve been paying for high speed internet, yet your engineers tell me I’ve been getting roughly a quarter of the speed I pay for, I am at the end of a very long shit-smeared tether of incompetence.

Back to a list, here is what we’re going to do

  1. I have attached an invoice for the overbilling, which if we do the math(s):

A conservative guess on timescales of this would be around 12 months.

So 12 x £15 =£180* 

*Please note that this is extremely conservative as it does not include the additional charges I have incurred from my mobile phone provider for overusing 4G when my wireless regularly doesn’t work.

This invoice must be paid into the bank account details on the invoice within 30 days with a payment reference of WEPROBABLYKILLEDJESUSTOO.

I will consider a counter offer.

  1. An engineer must unequivocally repair my internet within 7 days.

(This is attempt number 6 to get this so, for reference

RE-PAIR, verb

restore (something damaged, faulty, or worn) to a good condition.

“faulty electrical appliances should be repaired by an electrician”)

  1. An apology in the form of a limerick.

Failure to adhere to these points will result in the immediate cancellation of all BT services and the passing of owed monies to a collections team.

Ta,

Mark

Invoice01

 

*A phone call followed*

 


From: nicola.xxxxxxx@bt.com
To: MarkJorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your time today.

As we discussed I have refunded the incorrect charges on your bills over the last 12 months.

I have removed the caller display service, Broadband Talk and arranged for the BT Sports to be free for another 12 months. Please see the below breakdown of these charges refunded

·         April 2014 -Broadband Talk=  £17.95

·         July 2014 -Broadband talk = £10.50

·         October 2014 -Broadband talk= £10.50

·         October 2013- Caller display =£6.00

·         April 2014 -Caller display = £5.25

·         July 2014-  Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014-Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014- BT SPORTS- £2.00

Total refund= £61.95

Due to the excess usage charges you received when you first joined BT for broadband I have agreed to refund £38.05 towards this cost, the total refund calculated is £100.00 this will be sent you via cheque in the next 10 working days.

In relation to your broadband issues this has been passed to BT’s high level escalation team, as soon I receive any further knows I will keep you informed.

If BT are able to resolve the broadband speed and drop in service I will look at adding a new broadband contract to your account which will result in a cheaper package. I don’t want to make any changes to your account though until you are happy with the level of service you are receiving.

I will check the progress of your broadband on Friday and give you a call, but if you need anything in the meantime please give me a call or drop me an email.

Best Wishes

Nicola

Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist

Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ
Registered in England no. 1800000


From: Mark Jorgy

To: nicola.xxxxxxxx@bt.com
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

This is great Nicola, thanks a lot for your help.

Any chance of that limerick?

Thanks

M

 


From: nicola.xxxxxxxx@bt.com
To: Mark Jorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

You are very welcome,

Hahaha I am not sure my limerick skills are up much Mark, especially with the last essay.  J

Best Wishes

Nicola 

Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist

cid:image006.jpg@01CED237.34CF05E0

Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ


From: Mark Jorgy
To: nicola.xxxxxx@bt.com
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

There was a young lady called Nicol-
-a girl who helped Mark in a pickle
She gave him some cash,
They still had a laugh,
But she respectfully bowed out of a riddle
🙂

*SORTED!!*

Spiders On A Tram – Letter To Metrolink

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Customer Services
Subject: SPIDERS ON A TRAM

Hi,

I live and work in Manchester city centre so I seldom have a use for the tram network. Nevertheless, I occasionally pop out to the suburbs on a middle class pilgrimage to seek the wonders of Disbury’s dried spice market, haberdasheries, or sometimes to just drink a lot and mindlessly hector passing students.

On such occasions, I always take the tram rather than buses, for the following reasons:

– They feel a little more futuristic and I like gadgets
– There are roughly 43% less twats
– I can gaze out of the window and imagine it’s a film montage of me undergoing some sort of intense introspection. It seems more authentic than being on a vomit and/or semen-drenched magic bus seat.

On Wednesday 8th July I travelled to Disdbury on one of your trams. Not for a wicker basket of kale, nor a steamed-dried filet of free range water bison, but to have a curry and watch football. Having been just in time snag the last remaining inches of space on the rush hour tram, I was hugely uncomfortable, but happy to be on board. I’m not being dramatic, they were quite literally the last inches; the door trapped my jacket behind me, my loin was too close to several fellow passengers and a curious man with a body odour I can only liken to sort of an ammonia-based underpants disaster had the nook of his armpit nestled roughly 0.7 inches from the receptor cells inside my nose.

I appreciate that running only 3 carriages at this time might cause consternation to many of the people who missed the tram that day, and they are probably right. But thankfully, I made the tram, so I don’t care. This is about me.

What I DO take umbrage with, is the presence of a huge cobweb. Just above my head. With offending spider present. See attached photograph.

Tram

I am a man, and as a consequence feel duty-bound to be macho where possible. I recently went fishing in Cyprus and conquered a giant crab. I emerged bloodied and victorious from the battle, with my Alpha male gland (metaphorically speaking, please don’t confuse with my glans), buoyed and blooming. So I am, technically speaking, not a quivering coward by nature.

Unfortunately, spiders are my kryptonite. I would happily sit in a giant wooden box filled with a variety of snakes, than have a little house spider anywhere near me. It’s a foible, not a phobia.

People who are terrified of spiders often get dubbed arachnophobes, but this is a little harsh. Being scared of buttons (Koumpounophobia) is a phobia. There are not tens of thousands of species of venomous buttons. Being afraid of spiders is a perfectly rational, limbic response to threat, harking back to millions of years of evolution.

So, to cut a long story short, I am disgusted, and admittedly scared, to discover you allow our multi-million pound tram system in Manchester to be riddled with spiders. This was an intricately built and vast web, it was not a throw-up temporary one for an idle-minded commuting spider (not a species). This guy was living there. I managed to not scream like a kicked weasel throughout my journey, but at the expense of my comfort and dignity.

Therefore, please can you provide me with the following information:

– Metrolink’s policy on spiders
– An explanation as to how/why this wasn’t cleaned, and the spider thrashed into a twitching clump by a Metrolink employee prior to the tram leaving that day.
– Your assurances that I will not be subjected to any arachnid-based trauma on future journeys

Thanks in advance,

Mark Jorgensen


From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

 

Thank you for contacting the Metrolink Customer Experience team.

 

We appreciate you taking the time to share your comments with us.  Our Customer Experience team will respond to your comments as soon as possible, but please be aware that this can take up to 15 working days if further investigation is required.  If we are unable to provide you with a full response in this time, we will contact you to explain why.

 

If you wish to speak to us in relation to your comments or if your enquiry is urgent, please call a member of our Customer Experience team on 0161 205 2000; the team will be available between 06.00 and 23.00 Monday to Friday, 08.00 and 20.00 Saturday and Sunday.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to contact Metrolink; we value your feedback.

 


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘SEdwards@metrolink.co.uk’; ‘customerservices@metrolink.co.uk’
Subject: RE: SPIDERS ON A TRAM
Importance: High

I must say, even with spider issues left aside, your rate of response is pretty appalling. I was going to make some snarky comment about your trams being equally late and infrequent but seems too obvious. Although I kind of just indirectly said it anyway. Soz.

FYI – Popping an out of office warning you take up to 15 days (which is a ludicrous amount of time), doesn’t automatically excuse it. If I popped an out of office on my work email saying “sorry, it takes me two weeks to reply to emails”, I can imagine it would be received as well as me popping “thanks for your email, I’m busy servicing other clients. As is YOUR mum”.

Just some additional feedback.

As a customer.

You aren’t currently servicing.

As customer services.

Thank you again for taking the time not to contact Mark Jorgensen; we value your ignorance.


From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

 

Please find attached a letter of response.

Regards
METLETTER

 

 

Literally writing to the Oxford English Dictionary

Dear OED

I’ve always considered myself a sesquipedalian sort of chap. My aunt once said I was the ‘Nigel Mansell of words’. To be honest I don’t really understand the relation and I think she got her metaphor a bit jumbled but I appreciated the sentiment all the same.

Imagine my dismay then, a couple of days ago, while casually padding around Facebook prior to work when a story popped up on my newsfeed that literally punched my brain right in its think bollocks. Literally.

The story in question was from the BBC news website (no less) heralding the adaptation of the word ‘literally’ to be used metaphorically. The example cited was shit-witted football jeggings mannequin Jamie Redknapp’s regular comical misuse of the word ‘literally’ during his frankly agonising punditry.

This causes several issues for me:

  •   The word literal (and literally) is pretty literal in its meaning. For something literal to be used metaphorically is a pointless use of this word and, at the risk of sounding like a word snob, is born out of stupidity rather than kooky modern adaptation. Similar to a tautology such as ‘a little midget’ or a ‘hot fire’, it’s just a casual everyday misuse which while rattles the brain of pedants like me, is just something that often does, and rightfully should, go unnoticed.

It should not – under any circumstance – cause the adaptation of the official definition of a word.

  •  Nothing Jamie Redknapp does, says or thinks should – for the love of bastarding crikey – have any impact on the Oxford English Dictionary.
  •  The reason cited by Senior OED editor Fiona MacPherson was “If enough people use a word in a particular way… it will find its way into the dictionary.”

This is utterly ludicrous. I know numerous people who use the word ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘specific’ as some sort of weird collective blind spot. Each time I hear this it kicks its way into my ears wearing shit-smeared army boots. Nevertheless a lot of people say it. Must we adapt the definition of both specific and Pacific to be interchangeable as any git sees fit?

In light of these reasons I would like two things from you:

  • A better explanation for your reasoning for the change in definition of the word literally.
  • Consider the input of a phrase popularly used by a lot of people. There have been many weird phrases just added to the dictionary willy-nilly of late (that too, probably) and a glaring omission of popular nomenclature is:

(Phrase) ‘Pipe me off’:

1. A sign of indifference/disdain i.e. “The Oxford English Dictionary can pipe me off after that literally thing.“

2. A literal meaning of sexual congress. “Louise, it’s me Jamie Redknapp, you’re going to have to peel these trousers off with an ice pick if you want to pipe me off”.

3. PMO (acronym). “OED? PMO more like”

I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you. If I fail to get a response, I will literally kick myself to death.

Thanks,

Mark Jorgensen

Letter to Madam Tussauds – “I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark”

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Guest Enquiries
Subject: Enquiry

Hi,

I run a youth group for troubled teens in Stockport and I am looking for events to keep the kids engaged and out of trouble.

We are planning a coach trip and one of the kids, Chazmar, has mentioned that she would like to go to Madame Tussauds. She’s quite ‘strong willed’ that one so I want to ensure I placate her.

What is the situation for group bookings?

Also, am I right in thinking you have a Jeremy Kyle model? (are they called models or statues, or what?)

Thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

To take advantage of our group booking rate, please contact our Call Centre who will be only too pleased to assist. The number is on our website.

Yes you are quite right – we do have a model of Jeremy Kyle.

Enjoy your visit!

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Guest Enquiries
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Thanks for the email.

Regarding the Jeremy Kyle model, do you think it would be possible to have him covered up with a sheet or a cloth during our visit? Given the age and ‘social demographic’ of our children, Jeremy Kyle is like the physical embodiment of evil to them. Many of their siblings/family have suffered at the business end of his wrathful treatment on his show.

I just don’t want this to impact on their enjoyment of the day if they unexpectedly see a snarling Kyle while posing for a picture with a playful effigy of David Hasselhoff. Is the Kyle model snarling? Do you have a link to an image of the model by any chance?

Thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

Our model of Jeremy Kyle is in no way ‘snarling’ and if you visit our website you could probably see this is true.

Unfortunately, we could not cover up the model because, as I am sure you can appreciate, there would be many other guests visiting at the same time as your party who would no doubt love to see this model.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Thanks for the email and confirmation of your non-snarling Kyle and I understand your position.

Would there be any room for negotiation that it be possible – for the duration of our visit only – to put an umbrella and a copy of the Racing Post in Jeremy’s hand so I can reassure the children that the model is Claire Balding?

I can then go ahead and confirm the booking and let the children know.

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

I cannot alter the model but you can tell the children whatever you like.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi

How would one mistake Kyle for Balding without a copy of the Racing Post or some well-ironed dungarees?

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Mark,

I’m not sure Mark. But I’m afraid I can’t help you.

Kind regards,

Unit Administrator


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

Ok, there’s no kids group. I just want to come and visit and I’m absolutely petrified of Jeremy Kyle. I believe him to be a shape shifting ghoul.

I’ll give you a tenner if you let me melt it and drink the wax. That way I’ll take on his powers.

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

I don’t think so Mark.


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Hi Unit Administrator

But imagine if only we could harness his powers for good?

Many thanks

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

I’m not really sure what you mean, but I cannot help you drink or hide Jeremy Kyle, Mark.


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

Fair enough. It does sound odd when you say it like that.

Sorry for the messing around.

Mark


From: Guest Enquiries
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Enquiry

No problem.