Spiders On A Tram – Letter To Metrolink

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Customer Services
Subject: SPIDERS ON A TRAM

Hi,

I live and work in Manchester city centre so I seldom have a use for the tram network. Nevertheless, I occasionally pop out to the suburbs on a middle class pilgrimage to seek the wonders of Disbury’s dried spice market, haberdasheries, or sometimes to just drink a lot and mindlessly hector passing students.

On such occasions, I always take the tram rather than buses, for the following reasons:

– They feel a little more futuristic and I like gadgets
– There are roughly 43% less twats
– I can gaze out of the window and imagine it’s a film montage of me undergoing some sort of intense introspection. It seems more authentic than being on a vomit and/or semen-drenched magic bus seat.

On Wednesday 8th July I travelled to Disdbury on one of your trams. Not for a wicker basket of kale, nor a steamed-dried filet of free range water bison, but to have a curry and watch football. Having been just in time snag the last remaining inches of space on the rush hour tram, I was hugely uncomfortable, but happy to be on board. I’m not being dramatic, they were quite literally the last inches; the door trapped my jacket behind me, my loin was too close to several fellow passengers and a curious man with a body odour I can only liken to sort of an ammonia-based underpants disaster had the nook of his armpit nestled roughly 0.7 inches from the receptor cells inside my nose.

I appreciate that running only 3 carriages at this time might cause consternation to many of the people who missed the tram that day, and they are probably right. But thankfully, I made the tram, so I don’t care. This is about me.

What I DO take umbrage with, is the presence of a huge cobweb. Just above my head. With offending spider present. See attached photograph.

Tram

I am a man, and as a consequence feel duty-bound to be macho where possible. I recently went fishing in Cyprus and conquered a giant crab. I emerged bloodied and victorious from the battle, with my Alpha male gland (metaphorically speaking, please don’t confuse with my glans), buoyed and blooming. So I am, technically speaking, not a quivering coward by nature.

Unfortunately, spiders are my kryptonite. I would happily sit in a giant wooden box filled with a variety of snakes, than have a little house spider anywhere near me. It’s a foible, not a phobia.

People who are terrified of spiders often get dubbed arachnophobes, but this is a little harsh. Being scared of buttons (Koumpounophobia) is a phobia. There are not tens of thousands of species of venomous buttons. Being afraid of spiders is a perfectly rational, limbic response to threat, harking back to millions of years of evolution.

So, to cut a long story short, I am disgusted, and admittedly scared, to discover you allow our multi-million pound tram system in Manchester to be riddled with spiders. This was an intricately built and vast web, it was not a throw-up temporary one for an idle-minded commuting spider (not a species). This guy was living there. I managed to not scream like a kicked weasel throughout my journey, but at the expense of my comfort and dignity.

Therefore, please can you provide me with the following information:

– Metrolink’s policy on spiders
– An explanation as to how/why this wasn’t cleaned, and the spider thrashed into a twitching clump by a Metrolink employee prior to the tram leaving that day.
– Your assurances that I will not be subjected to any arachnid-based trauma on future journeys

Thanks in advance,

Mark Jorgensen


From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

 

Thank you for contacting the Metrolink Customer Experience team.

 

We appreciate you taking the time to share your comments with us.  Our Customer Experience team will respond to your comments as soon as possible, but please be aware that this can take up to 15 working days if further investigation is required.  If we are unable to provide you with a full response in this time, we will contact you to explain why.

 

If you wish to speak to us in relation to your comments or if your enquiry is urgent, please call a member of our Customer Experience team on 0161 205 2000; the team will be available between 06.00 and 23.00 Monday to Friday, 08.00 and 20.00 Saturday and Sunday.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to contact Metrolink; we value your feedback.

 


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘SEdwards@metrolink.co.uk’; ‘customerservices@metrolink.co.uk’
Subject: RE: SPIDERS ON A TRAM
Importance: High

I must say, even with spider issues left aside, your rate of response is pretty appalling. I was going to make some snarky comment about your trams being equally late and infrequent but seems too obvious. Although I kind of just indirectly said it anyway. Soz.

FYI – Popping an out of office warning you take up to 15 days (which is a ludicrous amount of time), doesn’t automatically excuse it. If I popped an out of office on my work email saying “sorry, it takes me two weeks to reply to emails”, I can imagine it would be received as well as me popping “thanks for your email, I’m busy servicing other clients. As is YOUR mum”.

Just some additional feedback.

As a customer.

You aren’t currently servicing.

As customer services.

Thank you again for taking the time not to contact Mark Jorgensen; we value your ignorance.


From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

 

Please find attached a letter of response.

Regards
METLETTER

 

 

Ad reply – John The Muggy Whip Thief

Bored and hungover I replied to an ad…

Johns Alfa

 

********

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Are you trying to mug me off or are you just stupid?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Excuse me?


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

You know exactly what I’m talking about


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Stop wasting my time.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Let me ask you something John, and try not to be a snivelling little mug about it, where and when did you get that car exactly?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏What business is that of yours?

 


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Don’t get lemon sunshine, it don’t suit you.

I’ll tell you why it’s my business John, that’s my car which was stolen from me and now you’re mysteriously selling it on fucking Gumtree? Mug.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

What? I bought this at car auction in Birmingham over a year ago! How do you know it’s yours?

Lemon? What are you talking about?


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

I recognise the car and the licence plate, smart dick.

Is that a pub?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Is what a pub?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Jesus. You’re a pub, John. You are.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!!!!


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

The Auction. Where is it? Is that where you drink? I need to come down there and have a word with you and them. Nobody steals my car and mugs me off like this.


 

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

A CAR AUCTION, THAT’S NOT A PUB. AN AUCTION WHERE THEY SELL CARS.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

YEA EVIDENTLY WHERE THEY SELL MY FUCKING CAR JOHN!

Are you mugging me off? I’ve Googled it and there is not a single pub called The Car Auction in the UK.

Hang on I’ll try Bing….


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

WHAT??????


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

YOU AND YOUR MUGGY LITTLE MATES SELLING MY WHIP AT YOUR MUGGY LITTLE PUB.

Nothing on Bing either.  How convenient eh?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Oh my God, you are incredibly stupid. A whip? I don’t know what you mean.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

A whip is slang for a car, do you not listen to hip hop?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

No I don’t listen to bloody hip hop and I don’t know what that has got to do with anything.

This is getting ridiculous. If you’ve got a problem, you need to report it to Gumtree or the Police.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Yea you wish John. I’m not a Police kind of geezer, understand?

 


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

No I don’t understand. Are you threatening me?

 


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Don’t start acting like a melt now sugartits, you and your muggy little pals robbed my fucking Audi, now you’re trying to sell it.

Nobody mugs me off like that.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Audi? This is an Alfa!!!!!!

 


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Fuck off is it. I’m not a prick John. I know an Audi when I see one. Especially my fucking Audi


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

What? This is an Alfa Romeo 147….. LOOK AT THE PICTURE YOU RETARD.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Oh yea. Actually, my Audi was blue as well, not red. Sorry about that.

That’s not a bad looking whip you got there though, how much you want for it?

Does it have a log book? I’ve had some bad experiences with stolen cars in the past.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Fuck you.

Literally writing to the Oxford English Dictionary

Dear OED

I’ve always considered myself a sesquipedalian sort of chap. My aunt once said I was the ‘Nigel Mansell of words’. To be honest I don’t really understand the relation and I think she got her metaphor a bit jumbled but I appreciated the sentiment all the same.

Imagine my dismay then, a couple of days ago, while casually padding around Facebook prior to work when a story popped up on my newsfeed that literally punched my brain right in its think bollocks. Literally.

The story in question was from the BBC news website (no less) heralding the adaptation of the word ‘literally’ to be used metaphorically. The example cited was shit-witted football jeggings mannequin Jamie Redknapp’s regular comical misuse of the word ‘literally’ during his frankly agonising punditry.

This causes several issues for me:

  •   The word literal (and literally) is pretty literal in its meaning. For something literal to be used metaphorically is a pointless use of this word and, at the risk of sounding like a word snob, is born out of stupidity rather than kooky modern adaptation. Similar to a tautology such as ‘a little midget’ or a ‘hot fire’, it’s just a casual everyday misuse which while rattles the brain of pedants like me, is just something that often does, and rightfully should, go unnoticed.

It should not – under any circumstance – cause the adaptation of the official definition of a word.

  •  Nothing Jamie Redknapp does, says or thinks should – for the love of bastarding crikey – have any impact on the Oxford English Dictionary.
  •  The reason cited by Senior OED editor Fiona MacPherson was “If enough people use a word in a particular way… it will find its way into the dictionary.”

This is utterly ludicrous. I know numerous people who use the word ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘specific’ as some sort of weird collective blind spot. Each time I hear this it kicks its way into my ears wearing shit-smeared army boots. Nevertheless a lot of people say it. Must we adapt the definition of both specific and Pacific to be interchangeable as any git sees fit?

In light of these reasons I would like two things from you:

  • A better explanation for your reasoning for the change in definition of the word literally.
  • Consider the input of a phrase popularly used by a lot of people. There have been many weird phrases just added to the dictionary willy-nilly of late (that too, probably) and a glaring omission of popular nomenclature is:

(Phrase) ‘Pipe me off’:

1. A sign of indifference/disdain i.e. “The Oxford English Dictionary can pipe me off after that literally thing.“

2. A literal meaning of sexual congress. “Louise, it’s me Jamie Redknapp, you’re going to have to peel these trousers off with an ice pick if you want to pipe me off”.

3. PMO (acronym). “OED? PMO more like”

I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you. If I fail to get a response, I will literally kick myself to death.

Thanks,

Mark Jorgensen

Ad reply – Gay Keith and ‘The Fight Bastard’

Google+

Bored and hungover I replied to a Gumtree ad…

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Have you ever eaten grouse?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Sorry, wrong person. I was emailing someone else at the same time and mixed them up.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Lol, ok. Are you interested in the room?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m such a bellend. If it’s any consolation, I asked the girl I was supposed to be emailing about cooking for her how many toilets she had. I think she thought I was referring to her defecation activity, but using childish language. I’ve tried to explain that I would never think that as girls don’t defecate. Well, certainly not the pretty ones.

Yes I’m interested in the flat. Can you let me know some more details?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m not sure what so say back to that really.

The room is £535 per month which includes bills, internet and sky. It is a shared bathroom and I am a 30 year old professional guy, I work as an accountant, I have 2 cats, I enjoy socialising but not too crazy these days.

Can you tell me about yourself and we can arrange a viewing.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Baby I’ve TOLD you, I meant to email someone else. I would never ask you anything like that. My only concerns about the activities of your bottom would most certainly be those including me!! (Like my birthday J ) xxxx


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Errrr, I think you emailed the wrong person again mate


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Really? Why, what did it say?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t really want to repeat it to be honest, just check your sent items.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Oh, wow, Christ. Sorry about that Keith. That was meant for her eyes only. Sorry.

If I sent that to you, that means I’ve just sent my ‘about me’ bit to her. That’s going to cause problems. Shit.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Right, Ok. Well that’s nothing to do with me. Can you send it on to me anyway.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

It said  –

“I’m a 28 year old masseur, I enjoy playing the clarinet, socialising with friends and I am a semi professional wrestler. You can come and watch!! I’m called ‘The Fight Bastard’. It’s a bit like low budget WWE, but it’s really good fun. I currently have a girlfriend but don’t know how long that’s going to last, she’s a bit like a Tasmanian Devil in a wig these days”

You see my concerns? I did send it to her.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Oh dear. Yes, I can’t imagine she’ll be pleased with that.  You’re a masseur and wrestler? Sounds interesting…..

Do you want to arrange a viewing?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You don’t know the half of it mate, she doesn’t know I’m a masseur, or that I’m a wrestler. She’s fine with the clarinet.

Can you help me out….I need to make up an excuse to cover for this. Can I tell her you’re my new flatmate and what I sent her was a profile I was helping you write for a gay dating site?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t want to get involved with this, you’re not my flatmate and all of this is putting me off the chance of that happening. Why would it be a gay site?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I just figured, you know, because of the cats. And you lol’d earlier.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s gay about cats?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

No, nothing, sorry, I’m sure the cats are really tough.

Can you help me out with Jenny?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s your problem? Do you think that insulting me is going to make me help you OR let you move in?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you? I will bring round a bottle of wine when I come for the viewing to say sorry. You’re a ‘rose man’ right?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

A ‘rose man’? You can piss off I’m not interested.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s the problem?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Well you were obviously calling me gay


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t care that you’re gay at all? I’m not homophobic in the slightest and I have quite a lot of gay friends. It’s not an issue.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’M NOT FUCKING GAY!!!!


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Wow, evidently not. You’re either a homophobe or a closet, why are you getting so angry?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Fuck off and stop wasting my time. You’re the one who wrestles around in lycra with men.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Been thinking about that a lot have you? Tell you what, I’ll get you front row seats at the next event if you call Jenny for me and back me up?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You are an absolute prick. Fuck you, your gay wrestling, and your probably ugly girlfriend.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Jenny I’m so sorry, I’ve been trying to help out this gay guy I know with a dating profile. He really needed my help, he’s not really got anyone except for these two little cats and I think he’s in need of a man, I was just trying to help him out but turns out he’s an ungrateful wang anyway so I’m not getting involved anymore.

Can I come round and see you tonight? xxx


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You are fucking unbelievable. Don’t ever email me again.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Did you ever answer if you’d eaten grouse?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Fuck off.

Ad reply – Carry On Gumtree and Darren’s Console

Google+

Bored and hungover I replied to a Gumtree ad…

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Please can you advise the current state of your console?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Sorry I realised after reading that back it sounded as though I was using a euphemism for the well-being of your genitals.

I did not mean this.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Er, ok. I didn’t think thats what you meant but whatever.

It’s in good condition, only had it for a few months.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Oh right. Well that’s awkward that I brought it up then.

Sorry.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Like I said, whatever. Are you interested in the PS3?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I am genuinely a little humiliated but thanks for your understanding. Are you not familiar with the term ‘console’ as a euphemism for a gentleman’s destroyer? Perhaps this is restricted to my region.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Shit, sorry, by ‘my region’, I wasn’t referring to my console (i.e. penis and testicles). I’m not having much luck with this am I?

It’s like Carry On Gumtree!


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Again, I didn’t think that’s what you meant, I think it’s in your own head mate.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I think it may have just been a Freudian slit.

I am interested yes. What games does it have?

Would it be possible for me to inspect the machine before committing to buy? I am a little bit OCD about hygiene and stuff so I just need to check a couple of things.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

*slip. Sorry.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

The games with it are GTA 4, Call Of Duty, and FIFA 12.

You can have a look at if you want but you can see all you need to see from the picture. What hygiene stuff?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Well I read a story about hand bacteria a couple of years back and it’s made me a bit paranoid about cleanliness. So I’d just like to check the pads over.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Check them over for what?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I’m not pointing any fingers, I just need to check something.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Check what?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I recall when a friend of mine split up with his girlfriend and went a bit insular. He used to play on a Master League on Pro Evo pretty much 18 hours a day.

He said the only breaks he would have were to masturbate during each transfer window of each season, then continue playing. I’m assuming he didn’t wash his hands in between either.

Like I say, I’m not pointing any fingers, but I’m just a bit of a stickler for hand cleanliness on stuff like pads and door handles.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

What the fuck? So you want to check the pads to see if I’ve been wanking before using them?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Well sort of, but it sounds weirder than it is when you say it like that.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

It is fucking weird. And how do you tell that from looking at them?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

It’s not a big deal, honestly. Just a couple of swabs from the pads then if it’s all good I’ll take the PS3 off your hands.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

You want to swab the controllers? Are you mad?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Honestly, it’s not a big deal. Just a couple of swabs from you and the controllers would take about 3 minutes, if that checks out, we’re all good.

We’ll probably be mates afterwards.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Are you fucking mental? Me and the controllers? You’re not swabbing anywhere near me you freak.

There’s no chance of us being mates either.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

‘swabbing’? Are you referring to masturbating? I can assure you that wasn’t my intention.

I think we probably will be mates if you’d open up a bit.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Sorry, just re-read, I know what you mean now. Ignore my previous email. And by open up, I meant your mind, not your buttocks or anything.

Are you free for me to come over tonight? I just need to know so I can get the cash ready etc.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

I don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about but I’m not interested. I’m going to sell to someone else.

Someone who isn’t talking about wanking and DNA swabs for buying a fucking playstation.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Ok, I think there is a little mix up here. I have mentioned swabs but I am not intending any wanking – I thought we’d clarified that?


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Whatever mate, you’re not coming anywhere near my house


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Sorry I didn’t mean for this to turn out like this. I really want that PS3. Can I just come round to talk it over, I’ll bring money.

No gay stuff, I just really want to get my hands on that console of yours and I’m willing to pay whatever.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

You want to pay to get your hands on my console? Sounds pretty gay to me.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Oh for fuck sake, grow up Darren.


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

ME GROW UP? You’re the one who started all of this you freak. I’m not letting you anywhere near my house.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Are you referring to your penis?


From: Darren
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers

Go fuck yourself


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Darren
Subject: Reply to your ad: PS3, 3 games and 2 controllers