Ad reply – John The Muggy Whip Thief

Bored and hungover I replied to an ad…

Johns Alfa

 

********

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Are you trying to mug me off or are you just stupid?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Excuse me?


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

You know exactly what I’m talking about


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Stop wasting my time.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Let me ask you something John, and try not to be a snivelling little mug about it, where and when did you get that car exactly?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏What business is that of yours?

 


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Don’t get lemon sunshine, it don’t suit you.

I’ll tell you why it’s my business John, that’s my car which was stolen from me and now you’re mysteriously selling it on fucking Gumtree? Mug.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

What? I bought this at car auction in Birmingham over a year ago! How do you know it’s yours?

Lemon? What are you talking about?


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

I recognise the car and the licence plate, smart dick.

Is that a pub?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Is what a pub?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Jesus. You’re a pub, John. You are.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!!!!


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

The Auction. Where is it? Is that where you drink? I need to come down there and have a word with you and them. Nobody steals my car and mugs me off like this.


 

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

A CAR AUCTION, THAT’S NOT A PUB. AN AUCTION WHERE THEY SELL CARS.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

YEA EVIDENTLY WHERE THEY SELL MY FUCKING CAR JOHN!

Are you mugging me off? I’ve Googled it and there is not a single pub called The Car Auction in the UK.

Hang on I’ll try Bing….


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

WHAT??????


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

YOU AND YOUR MUGGY LITTLE MATES SELLING MY WHIP AT YOUR MUGGY LITTLE PUB.

Nothing on Bing either.  How convenient eh?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Oh my God, you are incredibly stupid. A whip? I don’t know what you mean.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

A whip is slang for a car, do you not listen to hip hop?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

No I don’t listen to bloody hip hop and I don’t know what that has got to do with anything.

This is getting ridiculous. If you’ve got a problem, you need to report it to Gumtree or the Police.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Yea you wish John. I’m not a Police kind of geezer, understand?

 


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

No I don’t understand. Are you threatening me?

 


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Don’t start acting like a melt now sugartits, you and your muggy little pals robbed my fucking Audi, now you’re trying to sell it.

Nobody mugs me off like that.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Audi? This is an Alfa!!!!!!

 


 

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Fuck off is it. I’m not a prick John. I know an Audi when I see one. Especially my fucking Audi


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

What? This is an Alfa Romeo 147….. LOOK AT THE PICTURE YOU RETARD.


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Oh yea. Actually, my Audi was blue as well, not red. Sorry about that.

That’s not a bad looking whip you got there though, how much you want for it?

Does it have a log book? I’ve had some bad experiences with stolen cars in the past.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale

 

Fuck you.

Ad reply – Gay Keith and ‘The Fight Bastard’

Google+

Bored and hungover I replied to a Gumtree ad…

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Have you ever eaten grouse?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Sorry, wrong person. I was emailing someone else at the same time and mixed them up.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Lol, ok. Are you interested in the room?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m such a bellend. If it’s any consolation, I asked the girl I was supposed to be emailing about cooking for her how many toilets she had. I think she thought I was referring to her defecation activity, but using childish language. I’ve tried to explain that I would never think that as girls don’t defecate. Well, certainly not the pretty ones.

Yes I’m interested in the flat. Can you let me know some more details?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m not sure what so say back to that really.

The room is £535 per month which includes bills, internet and sky. It is a shared bathroom and I am a 30 year old professional guy, I work as an accountant, I have 2 cats, I enjoy socialising but not too crazy these days.

Can you tell me about yourself and we can arrange a viewing.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Baby I’ve TOLD you, I meant to email someone else. I would never ask you anything like that. My only concerns about the activities of your bottom would most certainly be those including me!! (Like my birthday J ) xxxx


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Errrr, I think you emailed the wrong person again mate


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Really? Why, what did it say?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t really want to repeat it to be honest, just check your sent items.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Oh, wow, Christ. Sorry about that Keith. That was meant for her eyes only. Sorry.

If I sent that to you, that means I’ve just sent my ‘about me’ bit to her. That’s going to cause problems. Shit.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Right, Ok. Well that’s nothing to do with me. Can you send it on to me anyway.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

It said  –

“I’m a 28 year old masseur, I enjoy playing the clarinet, socialising with friends and I am a semi professional wrestler. You can come and watch!! I’m called ‘The Fight Bastard’. It’s a bit like low budget WWE, but it’s really good fun. I currently have a girlfriend but don’t know how long that’s going to last, she’s a bit like a Tasmanian Devil in a wig these days”

You see my concerns? I did send it to her.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Oh dear. Yes, I can’t imagine she’ll be pleased with that.  You’re a masseur and wrestler? Sounds interesting…..

Do you want to arrange a viewing?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You don’t know the half of it mate, she doesn’t know I’m a masseur, or that I’m a wrestler. She’s fine with the clarinet.

Can you help me out….I need to make up an excuse to cover for this. Can I tell her you’re my new flatmate and what I sent her was a profile I was helping you write for a gay dating site?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t want to get involved with this, you’re not my flatmate and all of this is putting me off the chance of that happening. Why would it be a gay site?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I just figured, you know, because of the cats. And you lol’d earlier.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s gay about cats?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

No, nothing, sorry, I’m sure the cats are really tough.

Can you help me out with Jenny?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s your problem? Do you think that insulting me is going to make me help you OR let you move in?


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you? I will bring round a bottle of wine when I come for the viewing to say sorry. You’re a ‘rose man’ right?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

A ‘rose man’? You can piss off I’m not interested.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

What’s the problem?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Well you were obviously calling me gay


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I don’t care that you’re gay at all? I’m not homophobic in the slightest and I have quite a lot of gay friends. It’s not an issue.


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

I’M NOT FUCKING GAY!!!!


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Wow, evidently not. You’re either a homophobe or a closet, why are you getting so angry?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Fuck off and stop wasting my time. You’re the one who wrestles around in lycra with men.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Been thinking about that a lot have you? Tell you what, I’ll get you front row seats at the next event if you call Jenny for me and back me up?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You are an absolute prick. Fuck you, your gay wrestling, and your probably ugly girlfriend.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Jenny I’m so sorry, I’ve been trying to help out this gay guy I know with a dating profile. He really needed my help, he’s not really got anyone except for these two little cats and I think he’s in need of a man, I was just trying to help him out but turns out he’s an ungrateful wang anyway so I’m not getting involved anymore.

Can I come round and see you tonight? xxx


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

You are fucking unbelievable. Don’t ever email me again.


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Keith
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Did you ever answer if you’d eaten grouse?


From: Keith
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: Room available in 2 Bed Flat

Fuck off.

Letter to Apple Inc – ‘Moves like Jagger’ and Paul Danan

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Dear Apple

I’ll be honest and admit that it took me a while to get into Apple products. The more people tell me I should be doing something the less and less likely I’ll do it. I’d like to portray it as being strong-willed but in reality it’s just misguided adolescent rejection of conformity.

If ‘survival of the fittest’ actually mattered to us any more in the practical and literal sense, I’d be first to go; shunning fire and a club because everyone else had them whilst desperately starving and shivering.

Cut a not very long story short, I’m a dick.

Apple has now joined things like The Wire, Twitter and alike that I initially snubbed and shunned before reluctantly throwing myself  balls-deep into them as soon as the petty pretence could last no longer.

I now have a Mac, iPod and an iPhone. You alluring sods, you.

On to the crux of the matter. I now love Apple stuff and I think this unwavering support should be rewarded and I have something I hope you can help with.

I work for a media agency you see and I know this conjures the mental image of an office like in Nathan Barley; people riding round on tricycles shooting each other with cock-shaped Nerf guns while others lazily sprawl across branded beanbags being fellated by interns.

Unfortunately this is not the case (certainly not the blowjob bit) but we do have a radio which in left on a mainstream station to appease most musical tastes. The problem is that I hate the radio, Apple. I hate the radio because it just pumps catchy pop music into my head that I hate to the very core.

How many times in a day can a man hear Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 before it is reasonable to bludgeon everyone you see into a twitching heap with a lump hammer? (Whilst absent mindedly humming David Guetta’s latest electrobile, no doubt).

So in order to save the minds of myself and my colleague Jonny – and potentially the lives of many others – please can we have a free docking station from you with good quality speakers from our corner of the office?

Cheeky, I know, but don’t just dismiss this until you have seen the schedule of music I intend to use these speakers for –

9am-10am Dub/reggae hour to ease us into the morning

10am-midday – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

Midday-2pm – Blues and/or gabba ballads

2pm – 2.15pm – A short burst of slime house and glibcore techno

2.15pm – 4pm – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

4pm – 4.15pm – A short burst of Crispy Rock n Bass / Minotaur Rave

4.15pm – 5pm  – 80s classics

5pm – close Experimental jazz fusion / Charles & Eddie.

I think you can see from my schedule that we are taking this very seriously and that your docking station would be put to very good use.

Can we have one please?

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Mark Jorgensen


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch. We found your proposed music schedule very interesting.

Unfortunately Apple does not manufacture docking stations so we are unable to help you battle your “Moves Like Jagger” frustration.

I might suggest contacting a chosen manufacturer directly to see if they can help you further with your quest for a more pleasant working environment.

Best of luck with your endeavours.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

PR Assistant, Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom  |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Thanks for coming back to me.

I’m glad you enjoyed my music schedule and I have a suggestion. I’m sure you produce some form of device that we could use as our office radio/music player and overcome any more Maroon 5-based noise trauma. (It’s getting serious, I’ve heard it twice today so far). How about you send me a media player of some description and I’ll put together a couple of mix CDs for you of my schedule as indicated below? I’ll daub something adorable on there like Markz Vibez mix for Apple.

It’ll be like a lovely childhood gesture of romance for ones sweetheart, but obviously under the masquerade of a music-based business transaction. Perhaps we could go skipping through fallen leaves together once this has all passed, sharing an earpiece of my headphones each as we listen to the mixtape together? I think the optimum leaf-frolicking soundtrack would be Compliments On Your Kiss by Red Dragon. Thoughts?

What do you reckon about my proposal anyway? Any help would be much appreciated. If it will help solidify my case, Buggin’ by Dane Bowers is currently blasting out over the other side of the office. On a Monday morning. There is no scenario I can envisage that it would be acceptable to play Buggin’ by Dane Bowers. If I could hand pick the worst, then an office Monday morning  would be third only to a funeral and during romantic coitus.

Many thanks

Mark


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your mixtape proposition and your enthusiasm for Apple products.

As you can imagine, we get a great many requests for assistance, not all of which we are able to support.
Regretfully, at this time, we are unable to assist your request for an iPod.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

I understand your position, thank you for the consideration.

Having reached a bit of an impasse, I sense the opportunity to barter. My tenacity is partially fuelled by the fact that this afternoon I have laboured to concentrate over a UK garage compilation. And not the good kind of UK garage either, like DJ Luck and MC Neat. I’m talking dreadful UK Garage ‘mash ups’ that sound like a drum machine, a keyboard and a peripherally ‘urban’ Eastenders character put through a tumbledryer.

How about a discount voucher to be redeemed in an Apple store? In exchange, I am willing to throw in a limited edition signed copy of Marks Vibez vol 1, and Marks Slow Jamz, completely free. You’ll notice my cunning use of ‘z’ instead of ‘s’ in the naming of my mixtapes. I think you’ll agree this subtle touch denotes the very essence of cool.

Many thanks

M


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch again.

Unfortunately we do not have any discounts available.

Apologies I cannot help you further.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

M


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Ok, I’ll just get one from Cash Converters. Thanks anyway.

I realise I may have been a bit of a nuisance, so please find attached an official (and trademarked) movie poster for a new film I’m writing.  Its a remake of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ starring Paul Danan. I’ve often likened Paul Danan to Christ. You probably can’t tell but I actually did this freehand on Paint.

You can keep this.

However, please keep this under your hat though as I’m yet to contact Paul about it.

Thanks

M