Horoscopes. Balls to Russell Grant.

Scorpio

With your moon struck by a mild astro-infection, today you will be placed in a series of events causing abject emotional turmoil from loved ones and well wishers. You must also be diligent to predictive text mishaps which could be misconstrued as racist.

Your lucky animal is the Tapier.

Aries

An infestation of single, rogue magpies may result in a sorrowful down surge in property prices in your area so be sure to have an air rifle or catapult to hand.

Your unlucky words are; Kidney and Stones.

Taurus

Be mindful of idle, absent-minded crotch staring on public transport whilst listening to a portable music player. Today, your inability to remember your correct star sign will see you misjudge appropriate actions with a nose-kickingly painful fate.

Gemini

Today you will bask in the knowledge that your efforts will be a rich Custard Cream of success in the workplace. Ensure to sandwich a creamy layer of monetary bliss between two biscuity slabs of magnificence.

At home, remember that prostitution is still considered infidelity.

Cancer

All celestial prompts suggest that there is a 97.5% chance that you will be knocked unconscious by a hunk of frozen excrement expelled by a Russian Spylane, so remember to keep your wits about you. Property concerns will take a saucy turn for the worse from the receipt of a phone call.

Your lucky herb is Fennel.

Libra

The Libran alignment with France will today see you being accused of sexually motivated tax evasion. DO NOT represent yourself, no matter the cost. On a brighter note, a frantic scramble to destroy paperwork will lead to an astounding find of previously forgotten pornography.

Your important numbers are 0 and (withheld).

Virgo

Don’t allow an argument to simmer, grab the bull by the horns and get things off your chest. Matters can’t be resolved with words? Simply give in to raging impulse and deliver a violent education. You work hard, you deserve it, right?

Your possible weakness for today is violent incompetence.

Leo

Money dribbling away like a shit tap? Put investment desires on hold until you have assessed the presentation of your tattered children. A recent failed affair may today make a dramatic turn after a casual visit to a renowned local dogging haunt.

Your lucky celebrity is Dean Gaffney.

Sagittarius

Today you will be faced with an important business decision with perilous ‘sliding-door’ consequences. Get it correct and you’ll be lauded as the saviour of the company and be rewarded with a huge bonus. Get it wrong, however, and you’ll be responsible for 1400 redundancies with the blood of your workmates smothered on your incompetent hands.

Your unlucky colour is blood.

Capricorn

With Jupiter approaching the apex of the inner Frog Nebula, today you will receive a business proposition by a masked Belgian with tales of riches. Be sure to second read all contracts before signing.

Put festering holiday plans on hold until you know what the bastard Tories do next.

Aquarius

Foolish online purchases while drunk may cause banal distress at home, withhold your real feeling for a quiet life. Alternatively, if a loved one annoys you with selfish disrespect, reject all apologies as conscientious fuckwittery.

A wayward hand on a packed train may lead to illicit tromboning.

Pisces

Today you will cross the path of a Yaqui Shaman who will take you on a journey through the blood-strewn rivers of your own mind, paddling haplessly through the maze of spiritual epiphany. Money troubles? Just spend less or something.

Your lucky hallucination is ‘Christ the Redeemer’

Leo

With your moon now precariously nestled within the Anteaters Proboscis Nebula; today you will be brimming with a wistfully critical self-knowledge.  This may only worsen after unwittingly swallowing a cubic pint of a stranger’s rectal gas whilst on crammed public transport en route to an unrewarding job. 

You may eat a nostalgic snack, such as Popping Candy, and regress to a horrific childhood event; you must try to conceal this weakness from foes.

Love   – Try not to covertly browse a loved-ones social networking profile as the information contained within can only result in raised voices and upsetting nausea.

Single? A drunken browse through classified ads in a local rag may yield saucy results.

Work – Resonating suspicions regarding a ‘shady’ employee will today reach a terrifying crescendo, including flashing lights and a Daily Mail Flash mob.

Beware of Earwigs moving quickly!!