Letter to Apple Inc – ‘Moves like Jagger’ and Paul Danan

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Dear Apple

I’ll be honest and admit that it took me a while to get into Apple products. The more people tell me I should be doing something the less and less likely I’ll do it. I’d like to portray it as being strong-willed but in reality it’s just misguided adolescent rejection of conformity.

If ‘survival of the fittest’ actually mattered to us any more in the practical and literal sense, I’d be first to go; shunning fire and a club because everyone else had them whilst desperately starving and shivering.

Cut a not very long story short, I’m a dick.

Apple has now joined things like The Wire, Twitter and alike that I initially snubbed and shunned before reluctantly throwing myself  balls-deep into them as soon as the petty pretence could last no longer.

I now have a Mac, iPod and an iPhone. You alluring sods, you.

On to the crux of the matter. I now love Apple stuff and I think this unwavering support should be rewarded and I have something I hope you can help with.

I work for a media agency you see and I know this conjures the mental image of an office like in Nathan Barley; people riding round on tricycles shooting each other with cock-shaped Nerf guns while others lazily sprawl across branded beanbags being fellated by interns.

Unfortunately this is not the case (certainly not the blowjob bit) but we do have a radio which in left on a mainstream station to appease most musical tastes. The problem is that I hate the radio, Apple. I hate the radio because it just pumps catchy pop music into my head that I hate to the very core.

How many times in a day can a man hear Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 before it is reasonable to bludgeon everyone you see into a twitching heap with a lump hammer? (Whilst absent mindedly humming David Guetta’s latest electrobile, no doubt).

So in order to save the minds of myself and my colleague Jonny – and potentially the lives of many others – please can we have a free docking station from you with good quality speakers from our corner of the office?

Cheeky, I know, but don’t just dismiss this until you have seen the schedule of music I intend to use these speakers for –

9am-10am Dub/reggae hour to ease us into the morning

10am-midday – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

Midday-2pm – Blues and/or gabba ballads

2pm – 2.15pm – A short burst of slime house and glibcore techno

2.15pm – 4pm – Unadulterated gangsta rap (inclusive of crunk and dirty south)

4pm – 4.15pm – A short burst of Crispy Rock n Bass / Minotaur Rave

4.15pm – 5pm  – 80s classics

5pm – close Experimental jazz fusion / Charles & Eddie.

I think you can see from my schedule that we are taking this very seriously and that your docking station would be put to very good use.

Can we have one please?

Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Mark Jorgensen


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch. We found your proposed music schedule very interesting.

Unfortunately Apple does not manufacture docking stations so we are unable to help you battle your “Moves Like Jagger” frustration.

I might suggest contacting a chosen manufacturer directly to see if they can help you further with your quest for a more pleasant working environment.

Best of luck with your endeavours.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

PR Assistant, Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom  |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Thanks for coming back to me.

I’m glad you enjoyed my music schedule and I have a suggestion. I’m sure you produce some form of device that we could use as our office radio/music player and overcome any more Maroon 5-based noise trauma. (It’s getting serious, I’ve heard it twice today so far). How about you send me a media player of some description and I’ll put together a couple of mix CDs for you of my schedule as indicated below? I’ll daub something adorable on there like Markz Vibez mix for Apple.

It’ll be like a lovely childhood gesture of romance for ones sweetheart, but obviously under the masquerade of a music-based business transaction. Perhaps we could go skipping through fallen leaves together once this has all passed, sharing an earpiece of my headphones each as we listen to the mixtape together? I think the optimum leaf-frolicking soundtrack would be Compliments On Your Kiss by Red Dragon. Thoughts?

What do you reckon about my proposal anyway? Any help would be much appreciated. If it will help solidify my case, Buggin’ by Dane Bowers is currently blasting out over the other side of the office. On a Monday morning. There is no scenario I can envisage that it would be acceptable to play Buggin’ by Dane Bowers. If I could hand pick the worst, then an office Monday morning  would be third only to a funeral and during romantic coitus.

Many thanks

Mark


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your mixtape proposition and your enthusiasm for Apple products.

As you can imagine, we get a great many requests for assistance, not all of which we are able to support.
Regretfully, at this time, we are unable to assist your request for an iPod.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

Public Relations UK | Corporate Communications | Apple Europe Limited

1 Hanover Street | London W1S 1YZ | United Kingdom |  media.uk@apple.com | www.apple.com/uk


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

I understand your position, thank you for the consideration.

Having reached a bit of an impasse, I sense the opportunity to barter. My tenacity is partially fuelled by the fact that this afternoon I have laboured to concentrate over a UK garage compilation. And not the good kind of UK garage either, like DJ Luck and MC Neat. I’m talking dreadful UK Garage ‘mash ups’ that sound like a drum machine, a keyboard and a peripherally ‘urban’ Eastenders character put through a tumbledryer.

How about a discount voucher to be redeemed in an Apple store? In exchange, I am willing to throw in a limited edition signed copy of Marks Vibez vol 1, and Marks Slow Jamz, completely free. You’ll notice my cunning use of ‘z’ instead of ‘s’ in the naming of my mixtapes. I think you’ll agree this subtle touch denotes the very essence of cool.

Many thanks

M


From: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Docking station 

Hi Mark,

Thanks for getting in touch again.

Unfortunately we do not have any discounts available.

Apologies I cannot help you further.

Kind Regards,

Isobel

M


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘Apple UK Press Office’
Subject: Docking station

Hi Isobel,

Ok, I’ll just get one from Cash Converters. Thanks anyway.

I realise I may have been a bit of a nuisance, so please find attached an official (and trademarked) movie poster for a new film I’m writing.  Its a remake of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ starring Paul Danan. I’ve often likened Paul Danan to Christ. You probably can’t tell but I actually did this freehand on Paint.

You can keep this.

However, please keep this under your hat though as I’m yet to contact Paul about it.

Thanks

M


Letter to Orange – MY survey

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk

To: customer.services@orange.co.uk
Subject: Account feedback request – Mobile Pay Monthly

Dear Orange

Ref mobile number – 07XXXXXXXX

I recently received notification that you are increasing my monthly charge by around 4% in January. Negligible amount perhaps, but being inside contracted terms and without any changes to product or service and I find this a little cheeky you adorable capitalist scamps, you.

I called to inquire about this and was told that it was in my contract that you were legally within your rights to do so, providing the increase ‘wasn’t excessive’. Far from being the type of pedant who would open a discussion about semantics to prove a point, but how exactly would you quantify ‘excessive’ rationally? It is at its very essence a subjective and unquantifiable word. It must be relative to some sort of measurable scale to provide any context.

Lets do the math(s).

If you had increased by 4%, while increasing my monthly minutes allowance, or by providing a brand new phone, then yes, 4% wouldn’t be excessive at all. You could probably get away with 8% if you notified me by gift card with a chimp wearing humans clothes on the front.

However, a 4% increase for doing nothing is excessive by anyone’s standards. Well that’s not fair, you don’t do nothing, you do what you are contracted to do and I thank you for that. To make this announcement out of the blue seems a bit like suddenly demanding 17p from your wife following  a quick bout of poor quality cunnilingus. Even if she’d let herself go and looks like an cranky Gorgon. It’s not much, but it might grind her gallbladder a touch.

I therefore requested an upgrade as a compromise which seems fair to me given I’m 19 months into my contract, but was flatly and quite rudely refused. I was assured a call back from management which never came.

I therefore suspect that this may be personal, so I’d appreciate if you could fill out my Phone Provider Satisfaction Survey. It should only take a few minutes – please could you complete the attached document and return to mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk

Your feedback is important to us (me), so thank you for taking the time to complete the survey and I hope that we can reconcile these upsetting differences.

Many thanks
Mark Jorgensen

Click to download copy of Mark Jorgensen’s Phone Provider Satisfaction Survey


From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: customer.services@orange.co.uk
Subject: FW: Account feedback request – Mobile Pay Monthly

Hello,

I’m definitely taking this personally now – I thought my request was rather jovial, playful and nice  – if not a touch irreverent, but it obviously just doused your already throbbing hatred for me in the despicable petrol of unwanted custom.  I’ve still not recieved that call I was promised either.

Have you ever been dumped via an accidental text message intended for a friend while eating beans from the tin with your fingers and watching Jeremy Kyle? That’s how this feels. But less beany and more phoney.

My current iPhone (aged nearly 20 months) deleted all of my music again last night and refuses to upload any more. It says all the memory is being used up, but there’s nothing on there. It’s the phone equavalient of a dementia-ravaged old lady staggering around a graveyard glugging a jug of her own urine and shouting at the crows which aren’t in her hair. I just wanted you to know that.

Distraught regards,

Mark Jorgensen


From: customer.services@orange.co.uk
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: FW: Account feedback request – Mobile Pay Monthly Reference Number: 02354712

Dear Mr Jorgensen

Thank you for your recent email outlining your concerns about our impending price increase.

Inflation is impacting businesses and consumers alike and we are aware that many customers will be experiencing increased charges from other service suppliers. Orange Price Plans will rise by less than the rate of inflation, as measured by the Retail Price Index (RPI), which currently stands at a 20 year high at 5.4%.

All other call charges, including out-of-plan voice, text and data charges remain unchanged. Our Pay Monthly Terms and Conditions (T’s & C?s) allow us to increase charges by up to the RPI figure in any 12 month period and we have tried to keep these costs to a minimum at just 4.34%. In the event that you would like to check your T?s & C?s I would like to draw your attention to section 4.3 and 4.3.1 which relate directly to this issue.

Whilst we are increasing the base cost of your Price Plan I would like to reassure you that Orange are still committed to providing excellent Customer Service and value for money.

We believe the 4.34% tariff charge increases are reasonable, as they are below RPI, and therefore in real terms are not a material detriment to our customers. RPI for the last 12 months, as published by the government is 5.4%, and we have increased prices by less than this. So a customer paying £15 a month, will see their monthly tariff rise by 64p to £15.64 (inc. VAT) and a customer on a £20 a month tariff will see a 86p increase to £20.86 (inc. VAT) and so on.

If you wish to discuss a change of service plan or adding a bundle which may save you some money each month, please call Customer Services on 150, free from your Orange phone. They are available 7 days a week, 08:00-22:00.

I hope this email has given some context as to why we have introduced the price increases and trust that this clarifies our position.

Kind regards

Joe
Orange Online Services


From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: customer.services@orange.co.uk
Subject: FW: Account feedback request – Mobile Pay Monthly

Hi Joe,

Thanks for your feedback.

While I fundamentally disagree with all of the below I appreciate the explanation. It’s not really rationalised the context if I’m honest, it seems abit of a rudimentary template of corporate information and numbers disguised as a personalised response but I suppose this is to be expected.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the entire point of a contract is so that each party knows where they stand and stops me from saying, for example, I only want to pay 50% just as much as you want to increase my payment by 4%.

However, we do have a way of rectifying this, which is in two steps –

1. Please can you arrange for somebody to fill in my phone provider satisfaction survey which I have attached (again). I originally asked for this to be completed on 2nd December and require this for my records and it will impact whether or not I will continue with Orange in the future. Please can you arrange for this to be completed by close of play tomorrow if possible and emailed to me on mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk.

2. I’d like an upgrade on my handset.

Both of these requests are perfectly reasonable.

Should we reach an impasse on this matter I will be looking into making some amendments to our contract myself, or – a deed of variation is the correct legal term as I’m sure you’re aware –  obviously with terms that aren’t excessive and which may or may not allow me make payments a few weeks late, demand photographs of Orange representatives howling at the moon, get an upgrade on a monthly basis and have my bill hand-delivered by someone dressed as a sexy seahorse.

This may go some way to help substiantiate your claim below that “Orange are still committed to providing excellent Customer Service “, which I am, to be honest, yet to enjoy to fruitful bosom of.

Many thanks
Mark
<END>

A phone call from Orange followed this email and I now have a new iPhone 4S. However for legal purposes and brand policy they were unable to fill in my survey.