Dear The Sun,
Please excuse my unsolicited contact but I wanted to offer my services to you in a part-time consultancy position which I believe is vacant, and doesn’t currently exist.
I must concede that I have traditionally never read The Sun until recently, partly due to growing up in Merseyside where your paper doesn’t really have a great reputation and partly due to an ill conceived desire for actual ‘news’. However, I have recently had my eyes opened to the virtues of your ‘newspaper’ and soundly lambasted myself for failing to comprehend that I had such an easily accessible and cheap daily source of tits and unsubstantiated hysteria all along.
The position in question is as Director of ‘News’. The football fans amongst you maybe aware of a recent trend for clubs to appoint a ‘director of football’, which I suspect nobody – including the people appointed in these positions – knows what the title actually means. I interpret that they are there to provide faceless and stand-offish guidance to a non existent and irrelevant process. A bit like a mental elderly lady who claims she strangled her cat because the ghost of her dead husband told her to do it.
That’s what I believe I can offer The Sun. I will operate very much behind the scenes, confidently pulling the strings of whimsy like a masturbating puppeteer with a puppet made of lies. This is metaphorical masturbation only, I try to keep that out of the workplace as much as possible and have a character reference to this effect.
But how will you affect our news output Mark? I hear you ask. Well, assuming that you would ask this, I have prepared some examples of stories and columns which I think illustrates the direction I intend to bring with me. Too many news outlets seem to have their priorities skewed and tend to focus on actual events rather than the essence of what good news should be – the fabrication of absolutely anything which doesn’t even have to sound vaguely plausible let alone legally compliant. Having closely studied the different daily newspapers, you seem to share this ethos so I think, together, we could make a formidable collective.
What would you rather read a headline saying “Bank of England warns of severe market strains”, or “WAXWORK BISHOP WANKED HIMSELF INSIDE OUT – NOW LOOK AT THESE TITS!”. Yes, me too.
Previously the Sport have attempted this revolutionary approach to news, but I feel they have lacked the touch of class that we can offer.
Here are some examples of the kind of the output which I think we would achieve together if you appoint me to this post. You’ll notice that none of the material is particularly well written, intelligent, nor indeed true, but I think we can both agree that these are all trivial hurdles which blight many rivals attempts to sell papers.
News in brief
Police in Dudley have detained seven urban foxes and ‘a shifty rat-looking thing’ in what they describe as “a vague interpretation of the Terrorism Act.”
It is understood that the investigation, which involved security service MI5, relates to suspected Islamist extremism after the animals were discovered to be rooting round some bins which were ‘only 7 miles from a Mosque’ and contained materials synonymous with home bomb making.
Animal rights activists have lobbied against the arrests, campaigning for the release of the creatures outside Whitehall in a protest dubbed ‘fairly gay’ by Police Commissioner Tom Godwin.
“I really don’t understand some people. First we can’t shoot Brazilian people running to catch the tube and now this. How about we just sit around scratching our balls and let these enemies of freedom just waltz around blowing up your children? How about that? Is that what you want? Didn’t think so. I don’t go round to their shanty little vegan cafes telling them how to make a flapjack out of cress or whatever so I don’t see why they’ve got the audacity to turn up here telling me how to do my job” Godwin told BBC News 24.
Drug-debt Firesale, ITV1, Weekdays 12.30
ITV’s new flagship afternoon suicide distraction for the housebound, presented by Claudia Winkleman, visits the squalid homes of drug addicts as they desperately scour their bedsits for items they can sell at auction to ease debts and fund addiction.
This week saw a notably appalled Claudia help Clive, a hapless but committed glue sniffer from Oldham, try to sell his TV aerial, bath taps and rusted cheese grater for scrap metal in time for the visit of the Albanians’ debt enforcer.
Favourite scene – Claudia gagging raucously while helping a naked and visibly inebriated Clive sift through mounds of his own excrement looking for a gold tooth he suspects he may have swallowed after collapsing head-first through a table the night previous. The moment where Clive finally conceded that he may never have had a gold tooth, nor a table, was an absolute treat. 8/10
Jizzmatazz 3d, on general release
Pixar’s latest animation follows Frank and Raymond, two cheeky sperm whose lives are turned upside down as they find themselves catapulted violently from their testicular domicile into the tear duct of a prostitute and set upon on a whacky adventure as they search for the promised land of the uterus.
The main characters, voiced by Nicholas Lyndhurst and Chris Tucker, embark on a heartbreaking tale of friendship, tragedy and innards as they decide who gets to fertilize the egg if they ever reach it, if indeed the prostitute in question is not barren after years of drug abuse and grotesque genital hygiene. The initial scene where the pair are ejaculated into the sobbing eye of the prostitute is what 3d cinema was invented for and will have you ducking from the huge glob of spunk in your seat – spectacular. Watch out for an excellent cameo from John Leslie as a grumpy Caledonian liver.
Favourite scene – After taking a wrong turn at the esophagus, Frank’s heroic gesture to risk his life to save Raymond after he tickles the whores gag reflex and the pair battle valiantly to hold on amongst a perilous river of vomit. 9/10
Following their announcement that they plan to build a state of the art training complex in the heart of the city, Manchester City executive Brian Marwood has announced that the club plan to open a fully functioning Death Star by 2015 to “maximize intergalactic commercial opportunities”
“It’s an interesting project. The owners have a vision far beyond football I don’t see any reason why the transformation of Manchester City wouldn’t naturally progress onto an omnipresent super-corporation like Skynet from the Terminator films. But rest assured that our intentions are purely commercial, and at this stage the club has no plans to develop a race of part-sentient killer cyborgs who look like Robert Patrick, hell-bent on destroying the human race” read a statement on the clubs official website.
Aquatic swan-bothering comedian David Walliams has exclusively revealed to The Sun the secret of his endurance during his latest swimming heroics – necromancy!
The star has revealed that he was first introduced to the dark art by showbiz pal David Furnish and has taken to shamanic droning atop a pile of fishermen skulls for the purposes of divination, enhanced stroke technique and to harness the unforgiving majesty of the ocean.
Walliams said “He told me that he and Elton used to use Necromancy in the bedroom to really spice things up a bit as Elton has always had a bit of a fetish for Sabian star worshipers, and after getting him to read parts of Homer’s Odyssey to me it really struck a cord. I’m planning on swimming the pacific, using only butterfly stroke, in April.”
These are just some vague examples that we can explore, and we can discuss my remuneration package and the finer details more at interview, so let me know when is good for you and I’ll come in to get this tied up. Please note that I do currently work full time so this will have to be on a part time basis, I’m free Wednesday and Thursday nights.
Thank you for reading (if you have got this far), and I look forward to hearing from you. Big things await.