Letter To Maoam – “Frisky Kinnock”

I’d firstly like to express how much I enjoy your devilishly delicious chews. They are a childish fruity treat which never fail to make me smile like a hog in a shitbath.

I even like the name. I think it’s onomatopoeic in a sense that every time I say it, it coincides with an imaginary vision of me, an Edwardian Duke, pranging my braces with bended knee in the sheer revelry of this new exoitic treat brought to me by a returning explorer.  It’s even sort of a palindrome if you have a mirror and use capitals. It’s got everything.

That being said, it is disheartening that I must contact you in this manner. This week in work, whilst tackling the aching post-Christmas malaise, my colleagues and I bought some Maoam as a sugary reprieve to spur us on to the hallowed finish line of 5.30.

My beaming smile of anticipation soon turned into the squawking grimace of outrage when we opened the packet to reveal each chew adorned with a, quite frankly horrific, pornographic image.

The little fruity characters you seem to be innocently portraying as frolicking are clearly engaged in a significantly mucky pursuit. It fills me with about a gallon of pre-evolutionary chimp rage that you could market this brazen filth to adults, much less children.

And before you claim that these are merely innocent drawings that I am taking out of context, I’d like to assure you I am certainly no fool. Prior to meeting my wife, I may have occasionally watched the odd grumble film, usually for research of self loathing purposes, but certainly enough to be able to differentiate innocent hopscotch from dry, right-angled, speed bumming.

After doing my research, I have identified each packet as blatantly displaying the following sex acts (from top to bottom (not like that)):


  1.  “Frisky Kinnock”
  2. “The Clay Exchange”
  3. “Angler’s Distress”
  4. “Dean Gaffney’s Jungle Knapsack”

If you would like any further damning evidence , I have hand-sketched some these acts being performed by humans which I have created a digitally superimposed overlay on your packaging. It’s devastating. I am happy to Instagram a picture of this to prove I am not bluffing.

I demand from you an explanation on this disgusting display of contempt to the customer, and their morals. Some Maoam. And a mirror.

Nauseated regards

Mark Jorgensen