Bored and hungover I replied to an ad…
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I just got a blank email about my ad, are you interested in the car?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Sorry you’ve lost me mate.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
The ad for a Mitsubishi Spacewagon? You must have looked at it to reply?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Hi
Sorry I don’t have a Mitsubishi Spacewagon so I’m not sure if I can help you. There’s a garage near where I live who I know have a range of old Mitsubishi’s, I can ask there if you like?
It’s run by a bit of an inscrutable Chinaman named Derek. I think my mate Steve bought a Shogun off him a bit ago and got a good deal.
Thanks
M
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
What? I’m not looking to buy one, I’m selling one. You replied to my ad hence the title of the email? Check your sent box.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Hi
Why are you asking me about one if you’re selling one?
Do you want Derek’s number?
Thanks
M
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I don’t want anyone’s number. You replied to my ad, that’s why I mailed you. How do you not understand this?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Pete – apologies.
I seem to have been a colossal ballbag here. I checked my inbox and our emails and I see what has happened. My wife has been talking about a new car and I know she likes Mitsubishi’s. She must have done this on my laptop. Quite why she’d send a blank email is beyond me to be honest Pete – she’s a fucking nightmare.
Sick of her.
But admittedly I did forget our anniversary (me and her, not me and you, that would be weird) and went to play Quasar with my mates, so I probably owe her a car or a necklace something.
Is it still for sale?
Thanks
M
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Yes why do you think I’m still emailing you?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I see – that was fairly curt Pete.
Ok, I’m interested in the car, what’s the damage?
Thanks
M
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
It’s on for £1,080
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Oh. I didn’t mean the price, I meant actual damage.
But for £1080 it better actually wagon her to space, Pete.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
There is no damage except for a very slight dent in the bumper which I have taken into account in the price.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Ok I can see you’re no mug, Pete. I do like a good haggle – may the best man win.
£1200
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Er…ok. If you haggle aren’t you supposed to start lower? But I’ll happily take £1200
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Don’t patronise me Pete, I’ve been haggling long before your fathers father was selling fucking Spacewagon’s.
£1000 (OBO)
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I’ve got other people interested in this and this is beginning to do my head in. You’re bidding and I don’t even know if you’ve seen the car.
OBO is ‘or best offer’ so that’s not for you as the bidder to say.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Really? I saw it in an Autotrader magazine at my Dad’s and just thought it sounded cool.
Ok Pete, I am interested, but I’m not paying any more than £1070.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Fine. Deal. Where are you based?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Don’t you think Spacewagon sounds really unnecessarily dramatic and it’s a bit of a letdown to find out what it is? Like when you hear LASER JET and then find out it’s a printer? LASER and JET should be more Bond villain than Maplins, don’t you think?
I might advertise my wife as LESBI WHORE in a similar light. Don’t suppose you’ll take her as part exchange would you Pete?
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I guess, but can we just stick to sorting this out.
I’m in Bristol, where do you want to meet?
I thought you were buying this for your wife? And if she’s got access to your mail then you’d better watch your back writing stuff like this.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I’ve had enough of her Pete. I’m starting to think she’s having an affair anyway. I’ve been inspecting her clothes for traces of semen but not found anything yet. I’m like the Poirot of the miserable bastard husband world.
You don’t know where I can get one of those blacklight things from do you Pete? You know the ones they have on those TV ‘shock docs’ when they show that there are 11 pints of jizz on every Travelodge pillow?
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Mark, when and where do you want to meet to sort out the car?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Well definitely not in a Travelodge right? Heh heh
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I need to sell this car. If you’re paying £1070 then I’ll take it. If not, just forget about it and stop pissing around.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Alright, chill out Pete don’t get sand in your vagina.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING CAR OR NOT MARK?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
YES I FUCKING DO PETER.
Jesus, you’re really unprofessional.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m not trying to be professional, I’m trying to sell my car and you’re making it really difficult. How are you paying? Cash would be best.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
This is Mark’s wife. I’m glad you and my husband have been having a laugh at my expense.
Fuck you and your Spacewagon.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
What? I’m just selling a car, I’ve not said anything. Are you buying the car or not? If not, just stop emailing me.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
What the fuck is a Spacewagon anyway? Sounds geeky.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Forget it.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Sorry Pete, its Mark again, I just went to town to get the cash and that FUCKING BITCH has been on my email again I see. Well not any more, I’ve changed the password to KARENSGOTAFATARSE! (Heh heh)
I’ve got £1050 in cash, is that ok?
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Fine. Where is good for you? Services on the M5 is probably the best if it’s half way?
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
An M5? Thought I was buying a Spacewagon? I don’t like German cars. Not racist or anything.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
FOR. FUCK. SAKE. THE FUCKING MOTORWAY THE M5.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Sorry you’ve lost me mate.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Fuck off. Forget it.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Any news on that black light? I don’t want to push you on it but I’m starting to think you’re messing me around with it.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Fuck off.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
The words ‘Spacewagon Pete’ are now actually referenced in our divorce papers.
So now I’ve split with her I don’t need the blacklight. Thanks for nothing.
From: Peter
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
Fuck off. I was never going to get you a fucking black light. You are a fucking weirdo.
From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Peter
Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON
£1300 OBO?